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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She is so overbearing...

23 replies

icantstandhorridhenry · 04/12/2020 19:17

I'm due to be induced on Sunday meaning I will probably give birth the following day or thereafter.
I have asked my mother to simply not tell family members as it's not her news to tell and it's something my and my DP have only informed our parents of.

I have asked her to allow for 24 hours after we bring baby home for myself and my DP to have with our child as we will both be exhausted and finding our feet as parents and could quite well do without her flapping.
I have told her that I will obviously let her know when he is born and that he's healthy and we are all well but I've just asked for a little bit of space.

She seems to take this personally as if I'm telling her to stay away which I'm not I'm just asked for some time with my new family unit.

Just for a little background, I don't particularly like my mother, we've not had the best relationship and she's not been the best mother. I'm simply acting out of courtesy and respect that she is my mother. (I know some people won't like that but unfortunately not all children have good relationships with their mothers)

I just wanted to know AIBU asking for a little time with my first child and DP?
And also, if IABU why and how would you go about it?

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 04/12/2020 19:24

dont tell her the babys born until you are ready and expect she will tell others

Diverseduvet · 04/12/2020 19:27

When you're ready for visitors tell people the babies arrived.

Chamomileteaplease · 04/12/2020 19:29

Could you tell her the induction has been changed due to some COVID event and it is going to be a couple of days later. Then you can just secretly get on with it and let her know afterwards.

Original poster
icantstandhorridhenry · 04/12/2020 19:37

I think I'm going to have to, it's not what I want to do because he's her grandchild and I am excited for her too.

I've just re-read her message and she wanted to tell people about my stretch and sweep... yes mother I really want all your friends to know that a midwife has been tickling my cervix 🙄

OP posts:
Fairymad · 04/12/2020 19:49

If you don't particularly like her, may I ask why you want her involved at all? If you do feel the need to tell her stuff I would put her on a strict information diet and only tell her stuff she needs to know.
Tell her the date has changed and keep any further things private, don't imagine she will suddenly be a great grandparent if she wasn't so hot as a parent

CaveMum · 04/12/2020 19:51

In the nicest possible way, you’ve said you don’t like her and that she wasn’t a particularly good mother to you - what makes you think she’ll be a good grandmother?

I’m all for keeping good relations, but if she’s that much of an emotional drain (which, from what you describe, she is) then minimise your contact with her. She has no “right” to be involved in your child’s life so keep information to the bare minimum.

CaveMum · 04/12/2020 19:51

X-posted with Fairymad

Alexandernevermind · 04/12/2020 19:52

Why are you telling her deeply personal information if you don't have a good relationship?

extremity1 · 04/12/2020 19:53

First of all congratulations.

We let everyone know when dc was born but refused any visitors to the hospital or for the first two weeks. Best decision we made. I had a very difficult labour that needed intervention and was in the hospital for 4 days post birth. I didn't want anyone seeing me at my most vulnerable. Those first few days are so precious. Either your mum will understand or she won't but I think you need to do what's best for you and your family. I don't regret our decision at all.

HappyDaze90 · 04/12/2020 19:53

“tickling my cervix” 😂😂😂

I would do as PP said and say your dates been changed due to some Covid thing. Then have your little bundle, some time alone with him at home and tell her when you’re ready.

CoraPirbright · 04/12/2020 19:55

Yup - tell her that, due to Covid, your induction has been bumped to Thursday. That should give you time to settle and acclimatise.

Nottherealslimshady · 04/12/2020 19:59

Dont tell her things you dont want her to tell others . And dont tell her baby is born until you're ready for visitors.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/12/2020 20:00

As the mother of older boys, one of whom is engaged, I can understand the excitement a soon-to-be grandma must feel - I’m sure I will be beside myself.

But I will follow what my son and DIL want, 100%. It is their news, her birth, and therefore their choice.

CescaNicole · 04/12/2020 20:04

She sounds just like my mother OP.

Also jus be aware that if you lie and say the induction date has moved she might click later on when you tell her his real birthday!

Although it might not be a bad thing for her to realise she needs to take a step back!!

CommanderBurnham · 04/12/2020 20:19

Yes muddy the waters with regard to when you're being induced. We did that.

Just said we were going for an appointment about planning an induction when it was actually the induction itself. Had DS and there was MIL, in the delivery suite. Nightmare.

Deffo just say they've called and moved it back but you might have to go on Sunday for monitoring.

Then say they had a space while you were there and it just kind of happened.

Daphnise · 04/12/2020 20:19

Perhaps if you dislike her so much (and that's OK) don't keep informed of anything you consider important.

The more you keep telling her and in effect asking for her consent, the more you'll end up disliking her when she kicks off.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 04/12/2020 20:23

My induction took 2.5 days, another day before baby appeared.

I'd tell her the date's changed purely because if you have a similarly long wait the last thing you'll want is your mother ringing every hour wanting updates. Tell her afterwards you lied to stop her worrying.

I didn't tell my mother I was in hospital til it was over for the same reason but she seemed to accept it was for her benefit.

StrippedFridge · 04/12/2020 20:24

I have a toxic mother. Tell her nothing. Nothing. Vague vague vague. Make up some shit now to throw her off the scent after you daftly gave her access to a stress lever.

CloudyVanilla · 04/12/2020 20:24

Sorry it's like this OP :(

By far the simplest solution is to message well after the baby is born to announce arrival. Easily explained away as not being able to reach anyone by phone.

It's your first baby by the sound of it so you may not be aware - but inductions can be long, then after you've given birth you will have a few hours most likely on in the suite and then moved to a ward. Hours pass very quickly after birth as you're knackered, getting to grips with feeding, etc. So it's completely normal to not contact anyone right away!

Best of luck xx

GlummyMcGlummerson · 04/12/2020 20:25

YADNBU. Bear in mind that you could also be very unwell and not up for visitors. If there's any time in your life when you are allowed to control every aspect of what happens, it's when you've had a baby.

Please also remember that you are not just a vessel for a baby - when you have visitors they are visiting you too. They can come over and they can put the kettle on for you, and if you don't want them to hold your baby, don't let them, if you want them to go, tell them. Being firm with them now sets a good precedent. Otherwise before you know it Granny will be coming over every other day to bother baby when it's napping while you run around making her cups of tea and fretting because you can't be arsed and the routines been disturbed

GlummyMcGlummerson · 04/12/2020 20:26

Oh and don't tell her the induction date has moved. I don't know why so many MNers advocate lying. It will catch up with you as most lies do! Just dig your heels in and be firm with your boundaries.

Ohdoleavemealone · 04/12/2020 20:44

I think COVID will do you a favour here. She cannot visit the hospital due to COVID so tell her, the induction is set for Monday and then when you get there, text and say it has been bumped to later that day and you will text when baby has arrived. After baby has arrived, say they are keeping you in for 48 hours for checkups which gives you time to get home and get settled.
You cannot lie about the day he is born unless she is liely to forget the date of her own grandchilds birth.

Original poster
icantstandhorridhenry · 04/12/2020 21:25

Thank you all for your support, it is greatly appreciated 😊

I've been on the phone to my dad (they are no longer together) and he's so supportive, his suggestion is that we tell no one when baby is born and I leave it in my DP to chose who he wishes to tell and when, my DP is quite sensible so I do trust him with this AND I'm really not going to be arsed to do it after squishing a baby out!

To those who ask why I involve her, I really do not know. Although I see her for exactly who she is (a self centred arsehole) I have this sense of duty that as my mother she is entitled to certain privileges with me.
However, as much as I can take her shite as soon as she starts to pass that on to my DP or our child I am more than happy to revoke them.
I know it sounds crazy and I wish that I could tell her to jog on but I would feel awful and quite frankly i am happy keeping her at arms length.
I only tell her things vaguely and thought that telling her that I was going for a stretch and sweep was vague... clearly not 🙄

Again, thank you so much 😊

OP posts:
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