Disagreeing with boyfriend about covid risk

[DietCokePolice]

My boyfriend and I are in our late twenties and are currently long distance due to family circumstances. I am living with my parents because my father has terminal cancer and is therefore extremely clinically vulnerable.

I was planning on visiting my boyfriend this weekend (we are part of an extended household). However it has become clear over the past week that he isn’t following the covid guidance in his Tier 3 area. For example he was planning to have a friend round to his house for lunch. He is also going for a Christmas dinner in a restaurant with two of his old flatmates by claiming it’s a business meeting. We discussed my discomfort with these plans and I decided to go ahead with the visit after he agreed to just go for a walk with his friend, and that the dinner would happen after my visit.

Yesterday he mentioned that he was going into the office, in central London, via public transport. He is in a profession where working from him is perfectly possible. I recognise that refusing to attend a meeting might have put him in awkward position professionally though.

I have therefore decided not to visit because of the exposure risk to my father. My boyfriend is superficially understanding but clearly annoyed, and thinks I am being a bit ridiculous. I’m really upset that he won’t make the very minor sacrifice of following the rules he should be bloody following anyway. He’s making me feel like a controlling shrew.

AIBU?

Is this the first time that he's shown himself to be selfish and immature?

But, how are you part of an extended household, there isn't such a thing. You aren't bubbled with him because he's seeing friends, so the visit shouldn't have been happening.

I understand its hard because you dad is vulnerable, but you can't control what other people do.

Its a shame he can't just follow the rules for the few days before he see's you

What I hope is.... in 6 or 9 months time we can all look back and see that trying to balance individual risks and autonomy and civil rights and human needs and communal obligations and work objectives and concerns about our loved ones -- was incredibly difficult and everyone got it wrong. So then we can all find some tolerance in our hearts for other people who were too controlling or more blase and not let this difficult situation persist & destroy our relationships in the long run.

I can't join with anyone who thinks these situations can only have simple right/wrong answers.

He lives alone so my household (I.e. me and my parents) formed a bubble with him to allow us to continue to see each other. I assumed until recently that he was only socialising very minimally e.g. going for a socially distanced walk outdoors with a friend.

He is generally very kind and has been hugely supportive through my father’s illness. But his friends and family seem to take a fairly relaxed view about covid (his parents both work in healthcare so perhaps feel their risk is high anyway) and he seems to think I’m being ridiculously uptight by expecting him to follow the rules.

I don’t want to be controlling, and I absolutely understand that people’s risk tolerance about this varies. I just find it upsetting that he won’t make this sacrifice to allow us to be able to see each other, especially when I’m only asking him to do what I think we should all be doing away.

@lljkk

What I hope is.... in 6 or 9 months time we can all look back and see that trying to balance individual risks and autonomy and civil rights and human needs and communal obligations and work objectives and concerns about our loved ones -- was incredibly difficult and everyone got it wrong. So then we can all find some tolerance in our hearts for other people who were too controlling or more blase and not let this difficult situation persist & destroy our relationships in the long run.

I can't join with anyone who thinks these situations can only have simple right/wrong answers.

I really can’t put it any better than this.

For what’s it’s worth, I’m assuming your extended household bubble is because your boyfriend lives alone? Whilst it’s nice that this allowed you to see each other, the purpose of these bubbles is to combat the loneliness that many in single households felt. I l’m not sure that bubbling with a person living a long distance away does much to make you feel less alone. So while it’s disappointing to you, I can understand your boyfriend wanting to find a bubble (and so be able to have lunch with) someone who lives closer to him.

I think that it's worth giving him some slack. Don't do anything to put your father at risk of course but just understand that your boyfriend (like all of us) has been through a very trying nine months and (like most of us) has had enough of it. Ignore the posters calling him "selfish and immature" and recognise that these aren't anything like normal times and we're all on the verge of cracking up at the moment. Personally, I yelled "fuck it!" on Monday as I had finally had enough.

He's being superficially understanding of your decision so I'd recommend some superficial sympathy in return. Just remind him that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I think you are both a bit wrong. You would be asking him to make a big sacrifice if he lives alone and you live far away so he can't meet up with other people week in week out, in order to see you. And he should understand that you have to protect your father who is very ill, so you really can't visit him. It's just a very difficult situation for both of you.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

I do recognise how difficult this is for him, and everyone. If he wanted to change our arrangement though I suppose would have appreciated him talking to me about it rather than just cracking on making plans on the assumption that I’d be comfortable with it.

The thought of giving dad Covid absolutely haunts me and I’d hoped he’d be a little bit more sensitive to that - even if the decision we came to together was changing our bubble arrangement.

If he wanted to change our arrangement though I suppose would have appreciated him talking to me about it rather than just cracking on making plans on the assumption that I’d be comfortable with it. The thought of giving dad Covid absolutely haunts me

Then just tell him that, and add how very much you will miss him and how disappointed you are that you can't see him at Christmas and how much you're looking forward to being able to see him. Sometimes simple feelings get the message across better than complex arguments about being controlling and risk tolerances.

Thanks for the perspectives, I do appreciate it.

I suppose I was hoping for a torrent of people telling me he was being awful for not complying with the guidance, so it’s a bit eye opening to find I’m an outlier there.

I have told him that unfortunately I can’t see him now, and I think he feels that’s manipulative of me - that I’m trying to force him into my way of thinking by refusing to see him otherwise. I feel whatever I do I’m letting someone down.