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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

21 replies

Coldandcross · 04/12/2020 10:07

Another Christmas one...

This year was the turn to spend with DH’s family at the in-laws. We would be 4 households in total. After a week of thought, and no one else forthcoming, we decided to offer to take the hit and make other Christmas arrangements. It was probably between us and another household who could have easily offered. We had other family that we could go to, however we live really far away and see DH family very rarely. The other family are in childcare bubble with in-laws, so see them regularly, but I don’t think would have been as easy to make alternative plans.

We told the in-laws the decision yesterday. FIL then said “Ive looked at the map, and can see that we would be an hour out of your way to swing by ours on your way home, would love to see you outside so we can exchange presents etc. But understand it’s a v long journey (already 8 hours, with a toddler and I’m 7 months pregnant) so know it might not be possible”. It would just be the in-laws, as other two families will have gone home by then. Also likely to be more than an hour given the traffic on the 27th is going to be horrendous.

AIBU to think that, given that we are the ones who have taken the hit and made alternative plans to enable them all to spend Christmas together, they should be the ones offering to go out of their way to ensure they see us, rather than the other way round? I.e offer to meet us at a service station on our way, or even make a plan on a different day to come down to where we are staying to see us, which is in a lower tier so we could even meet them in a cafe?

They were very understanding that we might not want to make that detour, I just feel like the onus shouldn’t be on us to make sure we see each other.

Back story is I often think they act very selfishly, so I don’t know if this has just triggered me more than is reasonable?!

OP posts:

pippistrelle · 04/12/2020 10:15

Nobody is being unreasonable. Your father-in-law's message sounds like the very essence of reasonable. You could always say, 'yes, it is already a long journey. Any chance you could meet us at X?' No need for anyone to feel burdened or slighted.

BrumBoo · 04/12/2020 10:15

They said they were very understanding if you couldn't make the detour, I'm not sure why you're cross about them asking. You also sound very put out that you we're forced to be 'the bigger people' and pull out, it's sad that it couldn't happen this year but quite honestly you sound like you're missing the bigger picture of why households really shouldn't mix at the moment. I'm not entirely sure why you 'had' to then make arrangements with another family either, rather than just stay home this year but not really the point here. A family that's supposedly 4 hours away and see regularly, but your inlaws are too far?

I'd suggest meeting up half way in the New Year, that's if we haven't gone into lockdown 3 because of mixing households at Christmas.

Chamomileteaplease · 04/12/2020 10:20

So suggest either of those two options to them. With specific examples of a service station or the cafe to focus their mind.

They have acknowledged that you already have a long journey so hopefully will acquiese. Sounds like a good plan.

Just don't be apologetic or anything just suggest it clearly and directly. "oh yes it would be great to see you as we are so near. As you say, we are already travelling a long way so how about the XX service station on the 27th or the Rose Cafe on the 26th? That would be brilliant!"

See what they say

Gazelda · 04/12/2020 10:24

Neither are being unreasonable.
He understood why you might not think a detour was a good idea.
You acknowledge that it is easier for you to make other arrangements for Christmas Day.
Both fair and reasonable standpoints.

It would be equally fair and reasonable for you (or DH) to say that a pop in visit would be too much travelling, but suggest a cafe meetup in your Tier 2 area in the days following Christmas.

No ones bring unreasonable, all it needs is a convo about how to meet everyone's wishes and needs.

Original poster

Coldandcross · 04/12/2020 10:24

They live 6 hours away from us, other family live 8 hours - we don’t see them regularly either, but have seen them more recently.

OP posts:

Original poster

Coldandcross · 04/12/2020 10:26

@Gazelda you’re probably right, I just feel put out that they didn’t offer an alternative that involved them going out of their way instead, just expected us to, or nothing. But that’s probably my stuff with them!

OP posts:

KrisAkabusi · 04/12/2020 10:44

They've done nothing wrong here.

BrumBoo · 04/12/2020 10:46

[quote Coldandcross]@Gazelda you’re probably right, I just feel put out that they didn’t offer an alternative that involved them going out of their way instead, just expected us to, or nothing. But that’s probably my stuff with them![/quote]
Yes but with all due respect, it sounds like you were 'expecting' to be hosted this year for Christmas, and travelling is not an issue for you as long as you don't have to do Christmas at home. Considering the amount you're travelling anyway, it's hardly putting you out more than you're putting yourselves out just for Christmas day.

I'm sure you have other gripes with them, but you are being unreasonable on this one.

TheStoic · 04/12/2020 10:46

They’re not expecting you to, by the sound of it. They’d just really like to see you.

Original poster

Coldandcross · 04/12/2020 11:03

@BrumBoo realise it’s hard to fully explain in my post - we would happily host but for multiple reasons the family would prefer for the in-laws to host. We live very far away from everyone else, so it would put more people out to have them travel to us, rather than for us to make the journey down. General expectation with that family is that as we chose to live far away, we should be the ones to make the long journey, which is fair enough.
Due to us living far away / them all being in higher tiers than us / our country (Scotland’s) travel restrictions, this is and has been our only opportunity to see them since the summer. So not just ‘for Christmas day’, but seizing the opportunity to spend 5 days with family.

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 04/12/2020 11:14

If they went from their higher tier to meet you in a lower tier area, they are breaking the rules, so you might as well go with the four households meeting up.

It's a case of making the effort to see them when you have the baby. We'll have well started vaccinations and have even more treatment pathways. The governments want less people on the roads, so there's less accidents. It isn't just about not being in each other's houses.

DuzzyFuck · 04/12/2020 11:29

To be honest OP as a family unit already I think YABU to travel a long distance to see anyone. Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you should.

I haven't seen a single member of my family in 15 months now and probably won't for another 5-6 months at least because we live a flight apart. DP hasn't seen his elderly Mum for even longer, she's 2 flights away. It is what it is though, can't be helped.

I'm staggered at this 3 households business if I'm honest. It's going to cause absolute carnage that everyone will then spend months paying for.

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/12/2020 11:40

I just feel put out that they didn’t offer an alternative that involved them going out of their way instead, They probably just didn't think. People can be very good at missing the obvious.

nitsandwormsdodger · 04/12/2020 11:44

I wouldn't dare 8 hour journey pregnant with a toddler , can you not stay in hotel ( somewhere nice ? ) and break the journey then you may feel like s detour?

BrumBoo · 04/12/2020 11:52

@DuzzyFuck

To be honest OP as a family unit already I think YABU to travel a long distance to see anyone. Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you should.

I'm staggered at this 3 households business if I'm honest. It's going to cause absolute carnage that everyone will then spend months paying for.

I cant help but agree. I do take the 'mind your own business' stance on what others are doing in general over Covid rules but, but the Christmas household mixing plan is just bloody ridiculous. If we can just hold on a few more weeks, then hopefully we'll see some real change duende the vaccine. Why can't people wait?

I understand in some minority cases, people with very elderly or ill relatives who may not have another Christmas to celebrate, but mixing of 3 households (and you know many wont keep to that, give an inch take a mile) is just a bloody stupid idea, never mind throwing in a ridiculous amount of travel into it.

It's just one Christmas. Just stay home unless it's essential. Tell your relatives that you won't be just an hour away, because you've discovered common sense, and you'll make arrangements in the new year to see them.

LaceyBetty · 04/12/2020 11:55

This seems like one of the more reasonable in-law exchanges I've ever seen on here. There must be a back story because your FIL was very understanding of whatever you wanted to do, while at the same time making it known that they will miss you and would like to see you if possible.

DuzzyFuck · 04/12/2020 11:57

@BrumBoo and what baffles me even more (I don't live in UK so wasn't entirely up to speed on this until today, my family so live there) is that seemingly each of the 3 'households' could already be a 2 household support bubble, so that's potentially 6 actual households?!?

LaceyBetty · 04/12/2020 11:57

@DuzzyFuck

To be honest OP as a family unit already I think YABU to travel a long distance to see anyone. Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you should.

I'm staggered at this 3 households business if I'm honest. It's going to cause absolute carnage that everyone will then spend months paying for.

Not the point of her post though.

Twistered · 04/12/2020 12:05

Your fil sounds lovely. His message was loving and thoughtful and understanding if you're not able to do what he's suggesting

I just don't see your issue at all?
Either do it in the spirit of the season of goodwill or just tell him it's not going to work out with all the travelling but thank him for his lovely suggestion and hope that at Easter they can come stay with you?

There's no need for drama and bad feeling

DuzzyFuck · 04/12/2020 12:18

@LaceyBetty Sorry, I thought Mumsnet was an open forum for discussion and opinions. If you're looking for very tightly moderated reply parameters perhaps try AITA on Reddit?

LaceyBetty · 04/12/2020 12:28

Not looking for tight moderation, but why derail instead of starting a new post?

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