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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want my mother's ashes scattered where she wanted?

17 replies

Daphne16 · 04/12/2020 07:23

My mother who died recently told me about a year ago that she wanted her ashes scattered on the sea near to where I live. My father and siblings though have basically said she has to go where they say, not where she wished. I live quite a way away from where my father and siblings live, so I can understand they may be upset that my mother's wishes to have her final resting place away from where they live. However my mother always enjoyed visiting me and my family, often on her own ( My mother and father did not get on very well owing to my father's infidelities), and we always loved having her with us. I have even suggested that mother's ashes are split so they get what they want and my mother gets what she wanted too. But my father et al say that I am being selfish and unreasonable. But all I want is for my mother to be heard and have her wish granted.

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 04/12/2020 07:40

YANBU but I dont know what you can do about it.

FortunesFave · 04/12/2020 07:42

How awful for you. Flowers The only advice I can give you is this.

Your Mother would hate for you to be upset or worried about this.

Tell them it's up to them...if they don't want to split the ashes or scatter them where she wished, then fine.

Your Mum's spirit is in you anyway OP...she's literally part of you. She formed you and whenever you say a saying that she taught you, or laugh at something she thought was funny on tv or eat a cake she taught you to bake...she's with you.

She's always with you. Let them be petty...you have your Mum with you anyway.xxxx

VestaTilley · 04/12/2020 07:43

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. Flowers

YANBU- put your foot down and insist. Don’t be bullied by them- you’ll regret it forever if you don’t do what she wanted.

Consult a solicitor if needs be. Did she have a will?

Skipsurvey · 04/12/2020 07:47

I am sorry op.

what is your relationship normally like with the rest of your family?

FippertyGibbett · 04/12/2020 07:51

Unfortunately your father is her next of kin so he gets to decide.
My family had a similar problem with an aunt and a husband she despised. But she chose to stay married so he had the power on her death.
A lesson for all those in less than happy marriages.

Oreservoir · 04/12/2020 07:56

Exactly what @FortunesFave said.
Try not to let this upset you OP. Flowers

AuntieStella · 04/12/2020 07:56

She's not being bullied Vesta it's simply a case of people having an irreconcilable difference

Daphne16 Flowers and you need to let this one go. Unless there is something specified in a Will, or a letter left for after her death, you don't actually know that what she said a year ago was indeed her final wishes.

She's always in your heart, wherever her ashes are

Mamamia456 · 04/12/2020 07:58

Sorry for your loss OP.

If your mother didn't leave a will specifying her wishes then there's not much you can do as your father is next of kin.

May I suggest something like a memorial bench along the seafront where you live. I think that would be a lovely tribute to your mother and would remind you of all the happy memories you shared.

Pipandmum · 04/12/2020 07:59

Too bad she didn't put it in her will. I was annoyed at my mother who scattered my father's ashes in a private park which we now have no access too and which had no real meaning to any of us. But she was happy to give me some of his ashes to scatter with my children in another place he loved and we still visit.
Sharing her ashes seems the obvious solution and it is very sad about your father's attitude.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 04/12/2020 08:10

Could you plan a little memorial at the beach op? Even if just for yourself
Maybe scatter some petals and raise a glass to your dm. Try not to feel bad - it isn't you going against her wishes. I hope you save your efforts for a more worthy person than your df... He sounds awful.

Camphillgirl · 04/12/2020 08:38

I live on coast in Suffolk and RNLI scatter ashes at sea for a donation. Maybe when weather gets better you could take a sea trip where you live and scatter some flower petals in her memory. You have tried your best, and it’s clear your mum is in your thoughts and in your heart so what she wanted has been achieved.

nosswith · 04/12/2020 09:33

YANBU to want your mother's wish to be granted, but I am not sure you can ensure they are.

Kaliorphic · 04/12/2020 09:39

I had the same problem when a close relatives died. We got round it by splitting the ashes. Half are scattered in the north and half are scattered in the south. The funeral director kindly split them for us and put them in two different containers so we didn't have to worry about that. It worked quite well for everyone, we all felt ok about it.

Kaliorphic · 04/12/2020 09:40

Oh I see you suggested that. Well that's a bit crap. It's about the living now and how they move forward, I think your dad really should reconsider that.

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 04/12/2020 09:46

YANBU, but I don't think there's anything you can do about it, sadly.

My Grandmother did this with my Grandad's ashes. Grandad told my Dad (& other relatives) where he wanted them to be scattered & had written it down as well. She told the funeral director to put them in the remembrance garden at the crematorium. It greatly upset my Dad. She tried to get me to do the same with my Dad & was/is downright horrible that I have the ashes in my house & that, if I'm ever ready, they'll be scattered where he wanted. I should add she's never visited Grandad & wasn't there when it was done.

Flowers
Daphne16 · 05/12/2020 06:57

Thank you so much for all your replies. I do feel somewhat better now and have realised the inevitable will happen no matter what - that is how it has always been, my father always gets his own way, and my siblings always 'side' with him, no matter how unreasonable he is.
Mamamia456 I have requested to have a bench placed on the sea front where my mother enjoyed walking, so thank you for your brilliant suggestion. When my mother told me of where she would like her ashes to be scattered, I did ask her to write it in her will, but she replied my father would not allow her to do that so that is why she is telling me. At least she will know I have tried my best, I even contemplated just taking the ashes from my fathers house and scattering them myself! But realised this idea would not solve anything but just put even more distance between us. I just think that my father and siblings will do whatever they want no matter. They will just have to live with the fact that they know they will put my mother where she did not want to be and if they do not have any guilt at all about that, then it says more about them than me.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/12/2020 08:07

FortunesFave

Her lovely post is so true OP

As
Annoying and as sad as it is you can and will remember her other ways

Who not have your own memorial for her by the sea ? I watched a programme where people
Made a lovely picture of pebbles , sang songs and prayed for the deceased

Don’t let ashes bring you down , im sure sure she would NOT want that
Flowers

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