I'm too stressed to give him sex - feel guilty?

[CrotchBurn]

Me and partner are both self employed in different industries. I had a worrying dry patch during the first lockdown, but since then work has taken off and since we cant do anything else I threw myself into it.

I had huge tax debt to the tune of thousands a month that needed paying off (this was due to a cock uo by my accountant, he has now been dumped).

As demand in my work exploded, I put my rates up, I extended my hours, and now I am happy to say that somehow, I have managed to clear all of my debt. I'm actually very happy about this. I didnt think it was possible. I have my last payment to make in a week or two and I can start 2021 completely free.

But to do this, I have had to work very long hours and I'm now reaching my max. The other day I had a little cry for no fucking reason as I sent an email to a client. I'm just tired, I cant work anymore. My brain is full. I cant wait until Christmas when I can have a break and things go back to normal.

My partner meanwhile; has decided to remain closed although he could open, and take the government self employed aid (we arent in the uk).

Fair enough but it means we are massively out of step. Hes basically just had a month off sleeping in and watching telly, whilst I'm working like a dog. Hes going to continue until next month.

My AIBU is about sex 🤣 I feel guilty but also massively pissed off as we are so out of step that my alarm goes off early and my eyes snap open, my heart is already pounding a bit as I have to get up and get started. He meanwhile is snaking an arm around me trying to "get it on" 🤦‍♀️

I get he has his needs of course he does. But part of me is like - can you not see I'm fucking stressed? If you want to get laid, why dont you fucking run me a bath; or cook me dinner (I still have to cook us dinner or we dint eat), or give me a massage or something? For fucks sake!

At the same time I feel so guilty like I'm continuously rejecting him. I dont know. Dont know wht I'm posting really, just needed to rant I guess!

YANBU to think he's being a lazy, entitled twat but YABU to think you should 'give' him sex or to feel bad that you don't want to under the circumstances!
Have you told him how you feel?

Is there any reason you HAVE to make dinner or you don't eat? Why isn't he helping here?

Is he stepping up in other regards to contribute towards the running of the household (shopping, cleaning, laundry etc).

I'm not saying he has to do these things but that if he isn't then he really is taking the liss in expecting you to have any mental or physical energy left for sex.

If he is then maybe talk to him and just tell him you need a bit more romancing at the minute to get over the stress.... Because if he's helpful in other areas maybe he just hasn't twigged.

Only you know whether he's taking the piss really.

Thanks for your replies @CodenameVillanelle and @44PumpLane

Yes he does the cleaning and tidies the house so I guess maybe I am being a bit entitled to also want him to make dinner 😂 But I guess I meant it more in a "creating an atmosphere" kind if way.

I have told him albeit a bit obliquely. Maybe I need to be more direct.

It's a whole other can of worms but I feel he is selfish and boring in bed (I feel so bad for saying that but since I'm letting it all out....). Its something I've been meaning to tackle for a while now but I just have ni idea how.

It means that it just feels like another task I have to complete. So the moment i open my eyes before i even start my working day i cant even wake up in a relaxed way, i have another thing I have to do.

It does g sound like he's doing much to make you want to have sex with him.

Why are you still doing all the cooking while he's sitting round on his arse all day?

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him if he's selfish and boring in bed 🤷🏼‍♀️

You don’t give sex, you share sex, passion is key. It can also be a great de-stresser.

But to share, you have to share other things too, so he needs to do more.

Sex is a want not a need and should be a shared thing not something you give.

If you find him boring and selfish in bed he is not the man for you. Ditch him along with the debt in 2021.

Yes he does the cleaning and tidies the house so I guess maybe I am being a bit entitled to also want him to make dinner

He's not working. He should be doing almost everything in the house.

Please don't push yourself to to 'provide' sex for your DP when stressed. I pushed myself like that years ago (despite there being no pressure from DH!...it was all my own sense of what we 'should' be doing) and it was very harmful in the long run and something we had to work through.

YANBU- he doesn’t have a right to sex, or your body. You don’t owe him sex.

Why can’t he see you’re ill and stressed? Him trying it on like that when you’re deeply unhappy is very off putting.

Never have sex unless you want to.

No no I wasn't meaning that if he cleans and tidies he doesn't need to do anything else...... I was more just checking that he was at least doing something around the house.

It wpiod be nice if you didn't have to cook every day, I wpiod t necessarily expect to be cooked for exert day but my husband knows his way round a few basic recipes that can be batch cooked, frozen and reheated which would be one less thing for you to do and a way in which he couod step up to ease your burden without having to commit to cooking every night.

With your update about sex being more of a chore I totally agree you don't owe it to him.... Sounds like one more in the long list of jobs you've had to assign yourself... Awful!

God these posts enrage me.

He doesn't have a "need" for sex: he wants it. There's no obligation on you to provide it.

But part of me is like - can you not see I'm fucking stressed? If you want to get laid, why dont you fucking run me a bath; or cook me dinner (I still have to cook us dinner or we dint eat), or give me a massage or something? For fucks sake!

I could have written this word for word. And yes you're right -- he's not doing much to incentivize you to want sex. He's been dossing about watching TV for a month and doesn't seem to be pulling his weight on the home front. Why would you want to shag him?

I had a similar dynamic with my boyfriend during the first lockdown: we don't live together so weren't seeing one another but he was on furlough and I was working all the hours God sent. He would send me cheery little messages during the day about the fact that he'd burned four hours playing some video game while I'd been shouted at by a client. I didn't resent him for being on furlough but I resented his lack of empathy. We had words and this has changed.

Is it me or has COVID exacerbated this massively? I see so many posts from women whose workload (including both paid work and "wifework") has doubled as a result of the pandemic and whose partners or husbands seem to be dossing about and enjoying doing next to nothing?

I think there's going to be a bit of a reckoning for a lot of blokes when we get back to normal after this is over.

I find it so weird that anyone in a long term relationship puts up with crap, boring sex. How are you ever going to have a desire for sex with him if you don't enjoy it? Also, he should be doing literally everything in the house, including cooking.

YANBU and I know exactly how you feel - my DH and I are often out of step on this issue. What I would say is that your DH is not necessarily coming from the same place as you. Lots of posters will claim he’s being unreasonable etc but I truly believe men and women think differently about sex. I read once that men like sex to feel intimate whereas women need intimacy to want sex. It may be that his (annoying) overtures are an attempt to get close to you and reestablish some intimacy. You actually sound like you are looking for the same thing, ie intimacy. You want massages, sharing tasks probably cuddles that don’t lead to sex etc. Remember you are fundamentally on the same page but you need to have a conversation where you lay out what you want him to do - men need telling I’m afraid. It sounds like he loves you and you love him so I’d say talking about it is the best way forward. Good luck and you are not alone I promise!

OP, sex is never just about sex. It is a reflection of your whole relationship. No woman is going to feel desire and love for a selfish, lazy, uncaring man, who ignores his wife’s exhaustion and is content to sit on his backside and be serviced with meals and sex on demand.
There is a word for such men on Mumsnet.
It is cocklodger.
You need to have a serious talk with this useless lump you share your house with. Communicate. Spell out exactly how pissed off you are, how tired of doing everything. Give him a list of what needs to change, starting with him showing you consideration, doing the cooking, and actually wooing you, not just pawing you for a unsatisfying shag.
And if he refuses to change, divorce the bastard.

God I was on my knees - in a non sexual way - not long ago. I told DH I was knackered and his dick was very low on my list of priorities. He laughed (though was probably frustrated) and apologised then asked how he could help. Hence we remain happily married. Just tell your husband you're so stressed, plus life is too short not to ask for what you want, do it!