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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I Being Unreasonable?

24 replies

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 21:21

Hi,

I want to know whether I’m being unreasonable, or over-sensitive.
So, we are having problems with our 5 year old daughter settling at night for the past few weeks, I asked my husband to keep it brief when he was saying goodnight, as when he was closing the door he kept talking to her, so I politely asked him if he could keep things brief, he responded that “I never really do that anyway and if I want to do that I will, THANKS!” Whilst I’m not going to force him to try and keep with my routine, I felt the (Thanks!) at the end was condescending and when I told him this, he said it was my fault and he wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t say what I said to him. He also told me he typed a page up about me and why he says the things he says.

A bit of background, at the weekend he started raising his voice at me on two separate occasions and also told me to ‘fuck off!’, I told him i don’t like it when he raises his voice at me, apparently it’s my fault again, this followed by two days of silent treatment too, still no apology, or discussion about what he said.

I feel very dis-respected and it’s making me feel very low generally. Am I being i reasonable?

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 03/12/2020 21:26

If he works during the day perhaps he values what little time he gets with her so I get his point on this occasion but the arguments at the weekend, swearing etc are not on. Maybe focus initially on a few things that really have to change rather than a whole host of things.

Smallsteps88 · 03/12/2020 21:30

Classic contempt.

You are at a crisis point in your relationship. You (as a couple) need to deal with his feelings towards you, does he want to continue in a relationship with someone he feels that way about? And your feelings towards him, do you want to continue in a relationship with someone you feel disrespected by. Until you have answers to those questions you can’t go forward. You need to work out of the relationship is going to continue.

sorrysaywhatnow · 03/12/2020 21:30

He's being a dick. And it's frankly childish to give you the silent treatment. You need to have an honest conversation, and he needs to understand the importance of not swearing at you, or raising his voice and being generally disrespectful. Unless you want your daughter to think this sort of behaviour is acceptable.

Flowerpot345 · 03/12/2020 21:34

He shouldn't swear at you and he should apologize for that, but I can understand if he doesn't want to keep conversations with his daughter at bedtime brief if he hasn't seen her all day assuming he works?

Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 21:37

@LouiseTrees - I totally get that, he spent time with her reading books and playing games before leaving her room, it was the continued talking as he was walking out of her room. She’s had weeks of poor sleep and is constantly tired because she doesn’t settle at night, so we need to find a solution we can both stick too, otherwise it’s a wasted effort. I was also very polite when I asked him, not confrontational, or rude about it.

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Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 21:39

@Flowerpot345 - He had already spent about 45 minutes with her before leaving her room. Yes he works but is home at 5.

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Grenlei · 03/12/2020 21:43

Why does he have to toe the line with your plan for bedtime? Surely you should have discussed your daughter's sleep issues as a couple rather than make a unilateral decision and expect him to go along with it.

Neither of you sound as though you like each other much. Maybe time for a serious discussion about where your relationship is going and how you can both treat each other with more kindness and respect, or call it a day.

slipperywhensparticus · 03/12/2020 21:44

He is being a shit

I typed up a page about you? Who does that?

Next time he does bedtime ask him if he wants to start early so he has extra time you say goodnight

Honestly can you see the divorce papers she objects to me telling her to fuck off and wants our child to get some SLEEP clearly she is a narcissistic personality type

Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 21:47

@Grenlei - If you read my post I said I don’t expect him to go along with it, it was the dis-respect that followed.

Also don’t assume I don’t treat him with kindness and respect.

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Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 21:49

@slipperywhensparticus - He already spent 45 minutes with her prior to saying goodnight.

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slipperywhensparticus · 03/12/2020 21:52

Let him spend longer then tell him its a compromise because he knows she needs sleep so he goes in earlier to say goodnight

ImPrincessAurora · 03/12/2020 21:53

He also told me he typed a page up about me and why he says the things he says
What does this mean? He wrote down the reasons why he told you to fuck off? Or the things your do?

Tbh I’d have very little patience with anyone who gave me the silent treatment for 2 days or spoke to me like that.

Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 21:56

The bedtime routine isn’t the problem it’s the behaviour from him that follows. His excuse is always, it’s my fault! Every discussion about the way he’s spoken to me, is always my fault just for saying something he doesn’t agree with.

OP posts:

Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 21:59

@ImPrincessAurora - He thinks things I may say, are me being critical. I’ve asked him to show me this page he’s typed up.

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Flowerpot345 · 03/12/2020 22:01

Aw Op has he always been so prickly with you and on the attack?
Or is this a new thing?
Has he ever admitted fault?

Flowerpot345 · 03/12/2020 22:02

To type up a page about you does sound like he's really got it in for you.
Instead of spending days stewing he needs to open up to you and learn to communicate like an adult.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 03/12/2020 22:03

I would be worried he is keeping a record of your behaviour towards him..

ImPrincessAurora · 03/12/2020 22:04

It just sounds like a miserable existence. You having to think twice before you speak and him storing up things he can then use against you.

Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 22:08

@Flowerpot345 - That’s the problem he doesn’t know how to deal with conflict, he deals with it by being disrespectful and giving me the silent treatment. He wouldn’t dream of coming to me and discussing it like normal adults would.
I’m interested in what he’s written because I know I’m not a perfect person but I’m not dis-respectful.

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Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 22:09

@ImPrincessAurora- It’s kind of how I’m feeling at the moment!

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Eckhart · 03/12/2020 22:13

I want to know whether I’m being unreasonable, or over-sensitive

The fact that you need to ask this at all is the root of your problem. Respect your feelings. You're feeling disrespected. Why do you doubt that this is because you are, in fact, being disrespected?

Look at what you wrote: he blames you for his own poor behaviour. he gives you the silent treatment. he shouts and swears at you, he doesn't allow you to discuss your feelings, he doesn't apologise, and all of this makes you feel low. He doesn't care that you feel low.

So, given that this is the relationship in your life in which you ought generally be held in the highest regard, why is it that when he treats you like this, you fall back on questioning own response, rather than sticking to questioning his poor behaviour?

Flowerpot345 · 03/12/2020 22:17

When I first met my DH he tried to silent treatment me, I think it was a pattern of behaviour he had got into in his previous relationship when he was younger. (We have been together a fairly long time now)
I told him straight out he would have to learn to communicate better as it's not something I would be willing to put up with, as obviously it's not nice, it's childish and he needs to learn to communicate like an adult.
He stopped after that it's something he had to learn not to do.
He is the person who likes to make up now and doesn't leave an argument to linger now so people can change.
But it's something you need to put your foot down on, he's obviously got a bee in his bonnet with you about something, maybe he has used writing it down as a way of getting his feelings out?

He needs to work on his communication for your relationship to work and he needs to understand that it's ok to admit you are wrong sometimes.

Original poster

KindnessWins · 03/12/2020 22:29

@Eckhart - I have often thought this myself, why do I always look at questioning myself, maybe I have poor self-esteem. However, I’ve tried discussing this with him and it always falls back onto me.

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Eckhart · 03/12/2020 22:45

He's treating you very poorly, don't get me wrong. But you also are not dealing with conflict well. Set your boundaries, set consequences, and uphold them.

However, I’ve tried discussing this with him and it always falls back onto me

Just because he always says it's your fault, it doesn't mean it is. And, really, you do actually know that it isn't, otherwise you wouldn't have posted the thread (nobody posts an 'am I being oversensitive?' thread if they think they're going to get 742 people unanimously say 'yes' - they post them for validation) He does it because he's rude and selfish, but he only continues to do it because you facilitate it. By questioning yourself, rather than taking effective measures.

You shouldn't have to educate your spouse into good manners and respectful communication, but your options are to do that, to split up, or to live like this forever.

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