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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Support bubble with child under 1

40 replies

Milkandchocolate · 03/12/2020 20:48

Why have they limited this to child under 1? While I welcome this news for those parents it does seem to miss a large number of parents who are also isolated and at risk. We know from the research out last week that rates of loneliness of parents of children under 5 have risen substantially.
Postnatal depression can persist well beyond the first year of a child’s life.
There are children who are over 1 who have spent the majority of their life in lockdown, haven’t mixed with others outside their household so the practicalities of forming a childcare bubble where you are not present is not simple.
Not all parents return to work after parental leave so they are left isolated.
Things don’t change overnight when a child turns 1. This seems to be recognised by the fact that once formed these bubbles can stay beyond the age of one as long the child was under 1 on the 2nd a December. So a child who is 13 months now can’t benefit, but one who will be 13 months in January will and will continue to do so. (Let’s be honest nothing will have significantly changed by then).
I know we need to be reducing social contact but I can’t help but think that if you are a mother in this situation it is pretty crap. There has to be a cut off at some point but not sure that aged 1 is right- particularly given they are allowed to stay if you meet the criteria on the 2nd December.

OP posts:

AlwaysBehindTheCurve · 03/12/2020 20:51

I agree, I think it should include all pre school children.
Mine is 22 months. He has basically only had me to talk to for 9 months. He can’t go to nursery as I can’t afford it, due to being made redundant. No toddler groups in my area have reopened since closing in March. We are ‘lucky’ in that my mum is in our support bubble as she lives alone... but she works full time (NHS).
It’s hard and it’s lonely.

Candycats · 03/12/2020 21:01

Totally agree, and agree with @AlwaysBehindTheCurve that it should include all children under school age. The only person that my 21 month old DS sees other my husband and I, is my dad as he's in our childcare bubble. He's spent almost the entire of his second year of his life in lockdown of some form and I do worry that it's going to impact him socially. Also really appreciate you bringing up PND past the age of 1 year old, I was only diagnosed when my son was 15 months, but I feel a lot of people disregard it as a potential issue when your baby becomes a toddler.

Smallbus1 · 03/12/2020 21:05

I totally agree. I guess it’s because they are making the generalisation that over 1s often go to nursery so are in contact with others on a regular basis, and therefore more risk of catching/ passing on covid. I don’t understand why under 5s are not included in the rule of 6 number, but bubbles relates to under 1s. Surely should be under 5s for both...

Original poster

Milkandchocolate · 03/12/2020 21:49

Thank you. I did wonder if others felt this way. My little boy is 12.5 months so that may skew my views. I have a friend with an 11.5 month old who can form a bubble, while me and another friend with a 14 month old can’t. I’m pleased for my friend but do feel it is unfair. I’ve been suffering with PND myself and hoped that when this was raised there would be some expansion to others at risk. My son was 4 months when this all started and hasn’t been held by anyone but me or my husband so forming a childcare bubble strictly within the rules won’t work- I’d at least need to be with him for a while to settle him with someone. I’m sorry you are finding it hard. I hope @Candycats that you are doing better with your PND.

OP posts:

TheDowagerDuchess · 03/12/2020 21:54

Tbh I’d be tempted to say “fuck it” in these circumstances, where your LO is so close to the cut off. The risk is the same as if they were 11.5 months.

I also think they should have brought this in at a much earlier stage.

itisnotqyiteasitseems · 03/12/2020 22:27

I have an 11 month old and said to my parents they can visit due to the support bubble and they said NO too risky.

My other DC is at school and my folks are in a Tier 3 area. So I'm not sure if that means they shouldn't travel, so they won't come due to school risk.

Is the government assuming support bubbles are within the same Tier. I am in Tier 2?

My DH works long hours and my DC only has me really. I do wonder about development issues due to lockdown, but young children really only need their parents, the going out socialising is for us. Although a change of scenery is nice.

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 03/12/2020 23:18

Completely agree! My DD was 1 on 1st December so we miss out on the support bubble by 1 day despite the fact she has spent like 75% of her life in lockdown

Original poster

Milkandchocolate · 04/12/2020 06:55

@TheDowagerDuchess As tempting as it is to say fuck it wouldn’t look good with OH’s workplace and given it is law he could be in some serious trouble for it. I do think it should of be brought in earlier- with the rules now they are having to specify a date so for the single adult the child has to have been under 18 on the 12th of June but this is 1 years old on the 2nd December. I guess it is to do with applying things retrospectively but it is a bit of a case of tough luck you are an afterthought now.

OP posts:

gingertom11 · 04/12/2020 06:58

Is it law?

Original poster

Milkandchocolate · 04/12/2020 07:02

@itisnotqyiteasitseems I don’t think they have really considered about parts of bubbles being in different tiers. They have recommended and assumed that your bubble be local. I know some aren’t though and you are not excluded from making a bubble with someone in a different tier. I have to disagree about young children only really needing their parents- I think when a baby is small yes but once they are starting to develop their speech, movement and relationships more they do need to be seeing others outside their family. I really worry about how my son will be around people outside of my household. He doesn’t have a sibling either. I would be very interested to know if the lockdown does have an impact on these children’s long term development.

OP posts:

Original poster

Milkandchocolate · 04/12/2020 07:04

@SunshineLollipopsRainbow oh that really is shit to miss out by 1 day. I’m very sorry. I really be tempted to say oh fuck it in that case (OH’s job aside). Happy birthday to your DD for a few days ago.

OP posts:

Dollywilde · 04/12/2020 07:06

@Smallbus1 fwiw I believe babies do count in the Rule of 6, I’m in tier 2 and our NCT group (6 mums) can’t meet outside because our 4 month olds count as people so we’d be a group of 12

AlwaysBehindTheCurve · 04/12/2020 07:07

@Smallbus1

Under 5’s do count in the rule of 6, sadly. They were exempt from the ‘you can meet one person outsider’ during national restrictions, but now we’re back in tiers children of all ages are included in the rule of 6.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 04/12/2020 07:16

Fucking brilliant. I'm a single parent to 3DC, I'm also a student who's struggling to study from home, most of my friends have at least 1DC and now I can't see them? Just lovely. My Psychiatrist will not be pleased that I am further isolated now

Whoopsies · 04/12/2020 07:19

I'm with you OP! My ds is 16 months and I'm a sahm so still feeling very isolated. I literally don't speak to another adult all day and it's tough work. I don't need childcare help, but sharing that load with someone else even for an hour would be lovely and I would love some company. It's really hard. I'm grateful for so much, like dh's job being secure, us all being well etc but it doesn't make it easier to feel so alone at times.

Smallbus1 · 04/12/2020 07:43

@Dollywilde bugger!!!! Thank you for pointing it out, I hadn’t realised that had changed. We were due to meet our nct group today. I dont really understand why it’s changed back...

Sirzy · 04/12/2020 07:49

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby

If your a single parent you can form a support bubble.

Personally I think a two household bubble across the board would make it much less confusing and allow more people to access family support

Original poster

Milkandchocolate · 04/12/2020 07:51

@Whoopsies Yes very lonely times. My OH’s job is also secure so very grateful for that. My loneliness probably isn’t helped by him working away at times. I’m going back to work in February and DS will be starting nursery but that is still a few months away and we can’t afford for me to go back sooner.
My cynical friend pointed out that Boris and Carrie are ok- their son is under one and even if (I really hope not), these restrictions are still in place in April their bubble will be allowed to remain in place.

OP posts:

Di11y · 04/12/2020 08:00

I think under 3.5 so under the threshold for free childcare. But yes I agree that it's people with 1-2.5 year olds who struggle the most in this weather not being able to see people indoors.

MummaBear4321 · 04/12/2020 08:10

When they announced the last lockdown my best friend and I agreed within minutes of Boris's announcement that we would say 'fuck it' to the idea of both of us sitting in the house with 2 under 2 losing our minds with loneliness and tackling tantrums of bored 2 year olds (I had a baby the first day of lockdown and a barely 2 year old, she has a 9 month old and a 2 year old). It turns out that we were allowed see each other for walks anyway due to the 'preschool kids dont count as a person' thing, but there was NO WAY I was going to lose my mind to postnatal depression again because I happened to be married and therefore couldnt form a support bubble. We needed support. We need to speak to other humans. We both have had mental health problems over the years, and we just refused to go down that hole again.

I know many will slate me for my opinions, but mums with kids have been forgotten in all of this. We dont have work to focus on or colleagues to make small talk with, we dont have the luxury of a support bubble, we dont have school to send the kids off to, and we are expected to be happy with 4 walls, no adult conversation, and accept that we are lonely. No. I say find one friend or family member to agree to see, be sensible about where you meet and what you do (outdoors walks, or indoor cuppas with SD and masks, somewhere outside of your local area and dont tell anyone if you are worried about people judging you) and allow yourself the chance to not be miserable. Looking after yourself doesnt make you evil.

Popgoesthebubble · 04/12/2020 08:20

@Smallbus1
The rules have changed, but a meet up with multiple nct friends would have been unlawful in both lockdown and now. In lockdown one adult was allowed to meet up with one other adult, from a different household, and their under 5s didn't count. You couldn't have let up with 6 mums -only 1.

So you are actually in a better position now because 3 of you could meet rather than 2.

Also, there may be an argument for excluding babies because they have little in the way of independent existence from you (ie their risks are basically identical to yours) but of course they are people, and should count as such.

Smallbus1 · 04/12/2020 08:24

@Popgoesthebubble this was the first time we were going to meet as a group for a long time. For the last few weeks we had been meeting 1:1 when the rules to excl under 1s came in, with one friend and our under 1s. Frustrating for me as it means I can still only meet one friend at a time (I have twins).

Popgoesthebubble · 04/12/2020 08:36

It's just fine back to how it's been with the rule of 6 though - so your NCT group wouldn't have been able meet before either.

I'm not trying to get at you, I'm just genuinely confused as to how you thought your NCT could meet up, given you couldn't before lockdown, during it, or after it. The rules haven't in many months allowed you to meet, and changed back, they've always prohibited it.

Racoonworld · 04/12/2020 08:40

They have to cut it off somewhere and it’s probably because the first year is often maternity leave and is so hard and isolating. As a first time parent with a newborn in lockdown it’s been so hard not to have any help or company and I think people who had newborns before all this kicked off don’t quite understand how hard it’s been for us trying to get through the new born stage with no help whatsoever. Half our family haven’t even met dd let alone held her and I’ve been alone since my DH went back to work at two weeks apart from the odd walk when the weather was nicer. I do think it’s unfair though that this wasn’t brought in when the original support bubbles were made as now it means that new parents have missed out on help and now miss the cut off age. I’m lucky my dd is 5 months and so we get to have a support bubble but I have friends with babies just over 1 who cannot and they have struggled all lockdown with a young baby, but I do see why the cut off is 1 and not older.

Popgoesthebubble · 04/12/2020 08:51

@Racoonworld

A newborn in lockdown might be hard and isolating, but a toddler in lockdown. Oh. My. Goodness.

From what you've said, I assume your baby is your first, and whilst I don't deny that babies can have their challenges, today of us with older children, who would perhaps like to be included in this, have been there too. But we've also dive the next bit, and perhaps it's not them fining to understand how hard a baby (that they've experienced) is, but you not understanding how hard a toddler is, and how isolating that can be in lockdown.

I've certainly needed a lot more support in my children's second and third year than their first tbh.

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