To have had this response? Re- past abuse

[Whydoiallow]

Hi, I will try to keep this brief, as my situation goes back years. This is regarding past mental abuse.

I met my ex when I was only 15. I had 3 children with him by the time I was 22.
By this point I was a shadow of myself, and came close to ending my life.
Turns out he was very abusive (NOT physically) mentally and sometimes sexually (pressured me, wouldn’t let me sleep unless I did). He was also narcissistic. Leaving him was awful, he turned everyone we knew against me.

Eventually, I picked myself up, and I met my amazing husband a couple of years later.
However, Little did I know my ex still controlled me through the kids.
He was a good dad to them. We had them half and half.

A few years down the line, the kids came to live with me full time (at this point two of them were teenagers) as his partner was abusing them, pushed them out, and witnessing domestic abuse (she was being that way to him). Of course, he blamed me and once again I was being threatened, harassed and dealing with his abuse.

Anyway, last Xmas their dad and partner (and their kids) moved 100 miles away, and I didn’t hear from him for a while. I was able to move on from everything.
This summer just gone, his partner took her own life. It was awful. And despite everything it really upset me.

I am again civil with my ex and I’ve told him that any nastiness, I will cut off my contact with him again.
Anyway, that is a very brief back story.

I suffer with depression. I can keep it under control mostly. I used to have regular panic attacks (when I was with my ex) but I learned to control them and haven’t had them since 2008.

This evening, something happened that caused me to have a complete meltdown.
Myself and my two teenage boys, aged 15 and 16, were having a conversation. My 16 year old was moaning about having to wash up, and was accidentally dropping food on the floor without picking it up, to which we got in to a conversation about when I was a teen (I was left on my own a lot from aged 14) I said to him that when “I was his age, I was pregnant with him, plus practically running my own house, I wish all I had to do was wash up” it was said in jest, but also to maybe put it in to perspective for him. I didn’t really think it through. But my 15 year old said “well that’s nothing to be proud of is it!” To which my 16 year old laughed. I laughed at first too then tried to explain my point.

But they carried on laughing, and started to get nasty.
Usually I can handle things, but something set my brain off and it took me right back to their dad..the laugh was exactly the same.. when my ex would humiliate and belittle me in front of friends and family. He would laugh in my face.. like a fake and nasty laugh. I walked out the room, went upstairs and had the massive panic attack, followed my uncontrollable crying. I’ve not felt like that since 2008.
I honestly thought I was over it all. I’ve tried everything.. counselling, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy.
Was I being over sensitive? Why did it cause that response after all those years?

My teens are good lads in general. And the fact is.. yes I am proud to have had them..despite the age I was. Thank you reading if managed to get this far.

Healing is a spiral. We go round and round and revisit in a different way. Each time we see something different and treat a different layer. Take your feelings, look at them, accept them as a reasonable response and then allow yourself to sit with them. There is no magic wipe clean cloth but each time these things come up we learn how to see them, recognise the impact they have on our lives and they will always be part of our story. We weave the other parts of our story in along side so this makes our tapestry stronger and have more in it so the painful parts are less impactful.

Hi OP,

In the past you sought therapy and it's fantastic that you did that. This happening doesn't mean that the therapy didn't work. The last 12 years showed you that our minds can and do move on. However, our bodies can and do occasionally remind us if something feels too close for comfort. This can be alarming but please remember that this is just their way of protecting us. Annoying as it sometimes is it's a useful mechanism - even if occasionally overplayed.

Know that the past 12 years were not erased by this event. And please know this has nothing to do with your overall ability and it does it not at all mean that you've somehow failed. You need to separate this occasion from thinking along the lines of 'I should be this' or 'I shouldn't be feeling like this'. You need to separate it from the rest of you in the sense of your personality and character. Your hopes dreams and wishes. All the accomplishments of the past years. It's not you, who you are, or what you're capable of.

This occasion was nothing more than a response to past trauma, in a very specific set of circumstances. An echo from the past. And distressing as it all must have been it's important to remember that anything can catch you out the first time. Sometimes even the second time. But it doesn't mean that it's here to stay. Just like it didn't the first time around.

It’ll pass. But do be kind to yourself and think of those uncomfortable feelings as ‘here’s that strength, overplayed’ for the time being. x

I think you should call them out on their behaviour and set them straight.

Your ex was allowed to get away with his behaviour all his life, the cycle doesn’t have to repeat itself with your kids