10 years old DS and mobile phone

[Lena007]

Ever since DS (10) got his mobile phone last year, there is a constant battle about him wanting to use it all the time.

He uses it to play games and chat to his pals whilst doing it, and also to contact me and his dad.
He plays the 'pokemon go' game so every walk, trip or even shopping includes DS being on the phone for majority of the time.

School runs are a disaster and a constant argument where I ask him milion times to put his phone down and eat breakfast or brush his teeth. He keeps saying 'I'm finishing now' and does that for 30 mins

Now. Every time I try to limit the screen time and take a phone off him after 1-2hrs he screams and shouts that he hates me, he hates being at mine and loves being at dad's where screen time is unlimited and he is allowed to play games such as call of duty for hours.

Last night he threw his bike and coffee table on the floor once I took the phone off him after 2hrs. This morning he replied that I've to shut up when I said he needs to put the phone down and get ready to school otherwise he is going to be late.

There is an ongoing court case for child residence. At the moment DS is at his dad for majority of the time and I'm trying to get a full custody. I fear the situation with screen time is not going to help and DS asked by the court will say he prefers to stay at his dad's for this reason.

AIBU not to know how to handle this? What is reasonable at this age, how do you handle this with your DCs?

His reactions are so extreme I would stop all access to the phone so he can re-set. He does not really need one at 10. However, as there is a custody battle going on, this could also be a reaction to that - but you will only find that our once the phone has gone and the initial resistance fades. You can easily update the court about your screen-time concerns and action taken - the court will be able to judge if any professed desire to not be with you is based on the phone withdrawal.

Why does he have a phone at 10? His behaviour shows ge is too young. It stresses him out and he gets addicted to it. Take it away he will have plenty of time to have one as a teen.

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It's an addiction and the reaction you describe is a symptom of that addiction. These games are created by companies who know exactly how to hook young children in. In your situation I would be saying no phone at all at yours. Difficult given that he can probably do whatever he wants at his dad's.

We ended up confiscating our 10yo ds's phone until secondary school because he was sneaking it into his bedroom at night and was on it till very late. They cannot regulate their own usage at that age so it's worrying that his dad isn't helping him to do that while at his.

If you don't want to go as far as banning it altogether, then tell your ds that a condition of having it at yours is that you install an app that cuts off his access after a certain time.

Will this not make things even worse if I isolate him from his friends by taking the phone off him? All of them have mobiles and play games, chat together. I wouldn't want him to feel isolated.

But at the same time don't know how to manage it without causing a massive arguments

He’s obviously too young and immature to handle having a phone. You need to take it away until he’s older. If he really needs one to contact his dad then buy a basic non smart one for texts/calls only. It’s going to be hard but it’s a habit that need breaking, his behaviour is completely unacceptable for a child.

As above then @Lena007 I'd be installing an app that cuts him off after an hour or so. It's hard when all their friends have phone access but your job is to parent, not necessarily to please.

I would live with this until the court's decision.

If you are both asking for custody don't be the shitty parent he doesn't want to be with - sort this out afterwards. It can wait.

I’d remove the phone until his behaviour is consistently what you expect. Then try again. If he can’t cope again, remove it again.

I'm a coward: I have a very similar situation (not yet as extreme but vastly different phone usage allowed at Father's and a phone given to 7 year-old without my consent) and I am trying to hold tight till Court has passed because either it won't be my problem or I'll have the security to make unpopular decisions without worrying as to the impact on their "wishes and feelings". Our Final Hearing is soon: what is your timescale @Lena007?

Thanks everyone for ideas.

Proof hearing to be held in few months. Date not confirmed yet but solicitor says it will be in around 3 - 4 months time.
That's a good idea to install an app and limit usage by doing that. Will do that at the weekend.

Maybe wait until you have residence until tackling this is his input and phone use at dads, is going to influence the court?

We put a limit on DS' phone that just shuts it off after 90 minutes per day. He has to manage that limit but it is also off between 1900 and 0700. There are no arguments as the phone itself just turns off - but he can still make phone calls if urgent.

We have Google Family Links. And for what it's worth, DS is nearly 12 and he is still accepting of those limits.