My friend didn't get my a present ,aibu to think it's cheeky?

[hatbatcatxx]

My friend celebrated her 30th birthday in November,I bought her a 3 gifts and spent about £40.
One was a special present (a engraved grandma pic as she died last year )
She said for your birthday I've seen the perfect gift your going to love it.
This morning we met for a quick lunch as we were exchanging Xmas gifts.(the only time we could meet before Xmas )
We decided for Xmas we would make each other a hamper.
Pjs,face masks,slippers,face wipes and chocolates.
It's my birthday Boxing Day.
Handed her over her gifts.(all of the above )
Got home and opened mine and it's literally a pair of primark pjs,nothing else.
No birthday gift or birthday card.
I feel a bit miffed tbh
Aibu ?

[BrumBoo]

[quote ConquestEmpireHungerPlague]**@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague* have a star. You really are Top Present Martyr of the thread. Shared with the person who only gives a gift to her horse so can't expect anything back...*

I mean, very witty, obviously, but ... wtf? I give presents. I get presents. I just don't hold a gun to my friends' heads until I've extracted presents to the desired value and then post on mumsnet grizzling because I seem to have blown a hole in all my relationships.[/quote]
Nobody is talking about 'holding a gun to someone's head' though. That is the issue, this whole 'oh wonderful me, I dont do it for anything in return, I'm just so chill and go with the fllloooww'. Completely missing the point of the op, where in this case the friend made it clear that it's an exchange situation, and they expected something for their birthday/Christmas. It's absolutely ok for the op in this case to feel her own efforts have been for little return in terms of how this relationship works. Really no need for other to jump in about either how adults shouldn't care about these things or how very unbothered they are in similar situations. The op is bothered, and with possibly a good reason (or not, still 3 weeks until their birthday).

[hatbatcatxx]

The reason I mentioned the birthday gift is because we aren't meeting before Xmas now.
She won't post it ,she never has
I know for 100% fact she's not bothering.

[CorianderQueen]

@BrumBoo agreed.

It's not about the monetary value for OP. It's about the lack of reciprocity in the relationship. She feels used and like her friend doesn't think of her in the way she does her friend keeps lying and not expressing affection in return.

[CorianderQueen]

Sorry that was to @LaceyBetty

[ConquestEmpireHungerPlague]

'oh wonderful me, I dont do it for anything in return, I'm just so chill and go with the fllloooww'.

Strange. I don't remember saying anything of the sort. I just like being with my friends, which doesn't happen often enough as we're all very busy. Nothing to do with presents, still less giving-to-receive. Funnily enough, I'm seeing a friend on her birthday tomorrow and I have bought her a little present just because I saw something today I knew she'd like. But she won't be expecting it because I don't always bother if I'm not actually seeing her on the day, and she certainly won't have been complaining three weeks ago that I was "cheeky" to have (possibly/possibly not) forgotten her birthday. I would have thought this was normal, but perhaps not. I certainly am starting to feel I must be quite chilled, judging by this outburst, directed at me for no very good reason.

[Cheeseboardandmincepies]

Simple don’t get her nothing for hers next year? Job done.

[BrumBoo]

@hatbatcatxx, so how do you want to continue with this? There's no point moaning if you're not going to be proactive. You don't have to go all guns blazing, say 'thanks for my Xmas jammies, can't wait to see what this amazing birthday gift idea is! I had so much fun choosing yours', and see how forthcoming she is? Or you can play the long game, and simply not get her a gift again. It will probably be a slow and awkward decline of your friendship though. Perhaps she's struggling at the moment but is too embarrassed to say anything?

[AncoraAmarena]

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

'oh wonderful me, I dont do it for anything in return, I'm just so chill and go with the fllloooww'.

Strange. I don't remember saying anything of the sort. I just like being with my friends, which doesn't happen often enough as we're all very busy. Nothing to do with presents, still less giving-to-receive. Funnily enough, I'm seeing a friend on her birthday tomorrow and I have bought her a little present just because I saw something today I knew she'd like. But she won't be expecting it because I don't always bother if I'm not actually seeing her on the day, and she certainly won't have been complaining three weeks ago that I was "cheeky" to have (possibly/possibly not) forgotten her birthday. I would have thought this was normal, but perhaps not. I certainly am starting to feel I must be quite chilled, judging by this outburst, directed at me for no very good reason.

And can you not see that what you have put here is the OPPOSITE of what the OP does?

Her and her friend DO buy each other birthday gifts, that is the arrangement that THEY have,

Her friend (not for the first time by the sounds of it) has taken (grabby, as some posters would say?) and has not given the OP a birthday present despite their arrangement

FFS people need to stop piling on the OP. Whoever above said that it is a form of keeping women in their place by calling them 'grabby' is right. Read the fucking posts properly and don't slate someone because they are not the martyr you perceive yourself to be. Talk about kicking someone when they're feeling down.

[Maireas]

Oh that's terrible, @TheLadyOfShallnott. How can she place so little value on your friendship? Not giving you an item of jewellery was mean and rude, compounded by her attitude to the gift for her son. I know people will say "ignore" but it's so bloomin hurtful. I'd like to send you a gift for all the lols you've given me on this site!

[Simplyunacceptable]

I probably would have mentioned it if it were my best friend but I guess we have that sort of relationship. It would have been a light hearted ‘and what about my birthday?’ sort of thing. You can’t do much about it now, just don’t get her a present next year.

[Maireas]

She sounds a bit self centred and mean. It's hurtful. You can't always be the giver in a friendship. I'd speak to her and be very direct and honest.

[HikeForward]

Maybe she’s fed up with giving birthday and Xmas gifts. Or short of money? Has she lost her job or risking redundancy in the recession?

Does she have a big family and kids to buy for?

I make an effort for my closest friend, the others gift giving sort of fizzled out naturally once we had kids. We give occasional gifts during the year but not at birthdays/Xmas.

She might be planning to get you a birthday gift when she gets paid or something?

[Monr0e]

Are you bollocks being grabby

OP has spent upwards of £80 on friends combined birthday and Christmas with the gifts, takeaway and Christmas hamper. In return she has a £10 pair of pj's.

Its completely understandable you feel slighted. And no, its not about the money, it's realising your friend appears to place much less value on you as a friend than you do her.

Is there a history of her taking more than she gives in return? Time? Favours? Or is this a first. If there is a long line if incidents I'd be quickly pulling away but if its new behaviour then I'd be keeping in the back of my mind and definitely saying no gifts next year.

[BrumBoo]

Maybe she’s fed up with giving birthday and Xmas gifts.

Well then, she should have the same attitude towards receiving them.

Has she lost her job or risking redundancy in the recession?

Could well be the case, but whilst the OP should be sympathetic about that, again it didn't stop her friend happily take both birthday and Xmas gifts. In fact, she actively arranged for it to happen. Surely someone with money worries would at least say 'let's not bother this year'?

[VetiverAndLavender]

The excuses for the cheeky friend make me laugh!

1. She made it clear she wanted the OP to go all out for her birthday.

1. She hinted that she'd found the perfect gift for OP's birthday, then never gave her anything at all!

1. She apparently has a history of this kind of thing. (OP is confident the friend isn't shipping the gift to her later, and I see no reason to doubt her, seeing as she knows the friend and we do not.)

1. She suggested the hamper gift exchange, then gave a hamper with one item, which imho makes no sense at all. Why have a hamper with one item in it?! A hamper by definition has a selection of (usually themed) items, does it not? That's just odd. It's not a hamper!

1. If she couldn't afford gifts this year, which OP says she thinks is unlikely, the friend could have toned things down a bit. If she was feeling the pinch this year, why demand such a fuss for her own birthday, knowing she couldn't reciprocate? Why hint about a birthday gift for the OP? Why suggest a hamper exchange?

I don't see any way to defend the friend. She's been cheeky.

[BMW6]

Ouch, that's pretty shit of her OP. Going forward I'd tell her it's time to stop buying for each other, and if she wants to know why I'd just say it's too much faff.

Then if she pushes it feel free to point out the disparity in thoughtfulness - because that's what's hurting you.

[ohwhatamiserableyear]

I'd rock back up tomorrow and hand the 'gift' back and ask for yours back. Tell her you're just tired of her taking the piss, happy to receive and angles for lots, but treats you like shit in return.

[TheWernethWife]

We decided for Xmas we would make each other a hamper.
Pjs,face masks,slippers,face wipes and chocolate

Cue a poster saying "she got you what you wanted" - no she bloody didn't. One pair of cheap Primark pj's, nothing else.

[Katgolde]

True, you don't give to receive. However, OP's friend is clearly receiving to receive, which isn't good manners.

[TheLadyOfShallnott]

maireas

Trust me my friend. Your presence is present enough for me ☺️

We can share the mn

[Maireas]

We can, Lady B'Stard! Not valuing friendship is such an awful thing. Especially if the friend is funny and kind!

[tallduckandhandsome]

YANBU, she’s taking the piss. I wouldn’t get her anything again.

Can you text her saying ‘Oi where’s the rest of my present?’

[ConquestEmpireHungerPlague]

And can you not see that what you have put here is the OPPOSITE of what the OP does?

Yes, I can see that very clearly. In fact that was more or less the first comment I made. I prefer my way. Less melodrama.

I think perhaps I'm too old for this thread.

[Sunmoonstars77]

Impatient being the operative word here, OP. It's not even your birthday for another 3 weeks or so! You've jumped the gun here. Wait and see! You never know, she may have got you something else !

[Isthisit22]

All the usual holier than thou shit.

Of course the OP is not being unreasonable. They agreed on gifts and the friend has taken the piss. That is what is upsetting. It's not about gifts, it's about the care taken (or not) by the friend. Anyone who cannot grasp that or claims it is immature clearly has low emotional intelligence not the OP.