My friend didn't get my a present ,aibu to think it's cheeky?

[hatbatcatxx]

My friend celebrated her 30th birthday in November,I bought her a 3 gifts and spent about £40.
One was a special present (a engraved grandma pic as she died last year )
She said for your birthday I've seen the perfect gift your going to love it.
This morning we met for a quick lunch as we were exchanging Xmas gifts.(the only time we could meet before Xmas )
We decided for Xmas we would make each other a hamper.
Pjs,face masks,slippers,face wipes and chocolates.
It's my birthday Boxing Day.
Handed her over her gifts.(all of the above )
Got home and opened mine and it's literally a pair of primark pjs,nothing else.
No birthday gift or birthday card.
I feel a bit miffed tbh
Aibu ?

[AncoraAmarena]

Oh all these virtuous people ' I don't give to receive'.

It's irrelevant what you do. The OP and her friend obviously have an arrangement and it's her friend who is being grabby, not her.

OP I hope she sends you something for your birthday nearer the time but I doubt she will. Write it off, don't fester over it and don't bloody indulge her any more as yes, it's very one sided.

Or, if you both always open presents straight away why don't you message her thanks, and ask her if she will be dropping your birthday present round? She's not a friend if she treats you like this so what have you got to lose?

[Lozz22]

You don't give to receive

[Requinblanc]

Frankly I am not getting this at all...

You are an adult and you should not automatically expect presents from friends on your birthday or for them to spend a lot of money on you. If they give you something great, if they don't there are frankly more important things to worry about.

Also the point of giving someone a present is because you want to do it and you genuinely feel like doing some them, not because you expect them to return the favour and match the amount of money you have spent on them...

Also for all you know her finances could have been affected by the current crisis and she has to be careful with money.

[VetiverAndLavender]

YANBU to be miffed. You can either bring it up or stop making a fuss for her birthday. Just send her a text or a card for her next birthday, and if she suggests exchanging gifts again, say that you're too busy or short on funds to do it, or you're trying to focus more on the spirit than the material side. Whatever. You don't owe her a gift.

I know we shouldn't give to receive, but when you do an exchange with a peer, there's nothing wrong with wanting things to feel at least fairly equal. Frankly, I don't care if it's materialistic of me. I wouldn't want to pay significantly more for a friend's gifts than they did for mine!

[thepeopleversuswork]

@Requinblanc

Frankly I am not getting this at all...

You are an adult and you should not automatically expect presents from friends on your birthday or for them to spend a lot of money on you. If they give you something great, if they don't there are frankly more important things to worry about.

Also the point of giving someone a present is because you want to do it and you genuinely feel like doing some them, not because you expect them to return the favour and match the amount of money you have spent on them...

Also for all you know her finances could have been affected by the current crisis and she has to be careful with money.

This.

A lot of these posts seem to come from the school of knowing the price of everything and the value of nothing.

[DuzzyFuck]

This just sounds awkward and bizarre from top to bottom. You shouldn't give gifts to receive, and deciding in advance what to get each other is just odd (as is opening them right away, are you 4 years old?).

You sound too hung up on the value too. Do you LIKE the pajamas she got you? If the answer is yes then the value is irrelevant. I've spent less on one family member than others because I found something I know he'll love that just happened to cost less, and it would be wasteful all round to 'top it up' with some random item that won't be as appreciated.

I prefer to live by an approach that if I see something I think a friend will like, and I can afford it, I'll buy it for them whether it's a birthday or christmas or not. Surprising people with something they'll love brings me more joy than presents for the sake of presents.

[Mrgrinch]

Was it her idea to do hampers?

[Janesandian]

OP is not in the wrong, how can anyone say that?!

If you don't want to do presents, you say that, you don't talk about them and receive yours but then not give equally. It's so cheeky and rude.

People suck and your friend does, too. I wouldn't continue a friendship like this - so I'd wait til Christmas is over and say 'hey were the pjs meant to be a birthday present or a christmas present, thanks anyway' and then leave it. I don't care about pissing people off in these circumstances. She sounds shit.

[Brieminewine]

Is it your special birthday? Do you usually buy gifts on birthdays or just for significant ones?

I think your being a bit grabby with the Xmas gift, she got you what you asked for, maybe she couldn’t afford all the extras you got her, or maybe she isn’t as considerate but she got you gift and you sound ungrateful.

[VetiverAndLavender]

If the friend's finances have been affected, she shouldn't have made such a fuss about her birthday coming up or arranged to do a hamper exchange with OP. Or she could have set a low price limit for the hamper. As it is, it seems that she knew things would be unequal and simply didn't care. Between friends of a similar age, that's strange and rude behaviour.

(Also, telling OP she'd seen the perfect gift for her and that she was going to love it and then giving nothing for her birthday? That's odd.)

OP, sometimes it's best to just stop exchanging gifts with people. Expect nothing and only give what you want to give and will be happy to have given, even if it's completely one-sided.

[PhoebeSnow]

TheLadyOfShallnott I hope you told her to fuck off after that !

[Spied]

It sounds like you put a lot of thought and effort into your gifts. I do too. I love to choose things I know people will love and really enjoy giving.
Sadly, some people don't put in the time or effort. Often they will be too 'busy', others just won't be as invested.
I'd love to receive a gift that someone had put thought into. My friends, however tend to be very much like your friend.

[TheLadyOfShallnott]

But that isn’t the case here. Like Op, I felt stung because we’d discussed an exchange.

There had been years when we were skint, said so and gifted accordingly or not.

I valued my friend. Really valued her. She made me a better person. But I wasn’t a mother and therefore I couldn’t possibly fit in with her life.

So I know the value of things. And got stung for the price of things because my friend decided I didn’t fit but still wanted the nice bits.

[Boulshired]

But it’s obvious the OP has discussed the arrangement so it’s fair that the presents matched what was agreed. The other person could easily have changed the plans. I have come to arrangements on giving/ not giving but when it’s my idea if I want to stop I give plenty of notice and not after my birthday. It’s too early to comment on the birthday but the Christmas one is weird. If I agreed to give friend xyz and turned up with just x I would feel a bit shit especially if they had done all they agreed.

[BlueCheckedTeatowel]

i had a similar odd experience with a friend a few years ago. she had a bad family issue (life changing). i went round with takeaways, picked the phone up at 1am for tearful conversations and bought her some treats (including pandora charm) during the following few months to make her feel better. Christmas came a month later and I gave her her gift but didnt even get a card. she was very cagey accepting hers and didnt even say thank you, just kind of took it and brushed over it by saying what a nice bag it was in and carried on with the conversation. Odd, as we had been gift buying between us for 3 years previous, initiated by her. thought it odd but continued as normal, after all her head was all over the place at the time. bought her a birthday and christmas gift the following year. nothing in return and barely a thank you. i didnt even a happy birthday text, i would get ghosted around the week of my birthday then she would return like nothing happened. figured maybe she wanted to stop buying so did. that was 2 years ago and its never been mentioned. just no cards or gifts. One of my immediate family got sick and then died last year, not a word from her. just ignored it all. no card. Then, around 6 months ago she started sending me a lot of links to things she had bought/wanted. a few a day. along the "oh how sweet is this! going on the wishlist" ilk. (for the record i dont have a wishlist and wouldnt be mentioning it to friends if i did). a few of the items i liked and so would buy for myself and tell her. she would always reply "oh i was going to buy that for you but didnt know your size/colour/some random issue". i would ignore this comment and just mention how beautiful it was etc. she hasnt bought me anything in years so why on earth would she buy me things. She has now asked for my address. she knows my address as it hasnt changed in a long time and she lives 10 minutes away...google street view it or drive past on your way to work. unsure if shes hinting for me to buy her things or if she genuinely wants to send a card or whatever. but its all very odd. im sitting tight and waiting to see what happens. but even if i do get a gift from her this christmas im not running out getting one (as i usually would if someone bought me an unexpected gift).

people are odd.

[TheLadyOfShallnott]

I didn’t phoebe

I withdrew.

I have acquaintances but have never trusted anyone fully after that.

It really hurt. It wasn’t about the gift really. Just the indifference.

[BrumBoo]

OP is not in the wrong, how can anyone say that?!

She's not in the wrong thinking that putting an effort into someone's birthday should usually mean something in return. MN is bloody odd about anyone over 18 celebrating/enjoying/getting gifts on their birthday though. Usually by martyrs who have been raised with Victorianesque standards that Grown Women Should Do All The Work And Expect Nothing In Return. See also Christmas and Mothers Day (with the usual line 'hes not you're mother, doesn't matter you broke yourself physically/mentally to make him a father!').

However, genuinely there is nothing here that suggests that her friend may or may not have arranged something else for the OPs birthday. One of my children has a birthday around the same time, and I'd be at bit if someone dropped off a present right now for them. There's a good 2/3 weeks before even Xmas present start turning up. If the birthday cones and goes with no gift, absolutely fair enough to be upset and is not make an effort for that friend again. It's definitely at the stage of jumping the gun here though.

[hatbatcatxx]

It was her idea for the hamper.
So we got each other the same and didn't have the worry of "what if she gets me more etc"
We exchange gifts every year.
She was also the one who asked what we were doing for her birthday.
I'm not being grabby,I just get sick of getting the mick taken every time.

[lastqueenofscotland]

I’m a firm believer that you don’t give to receive.
However all my friends put a stop of buying for each other years ago, we just go out for a meal/drinks.
I only buy for my mother, sisters, partner (and usually that’s something stupid to open and then put what we would have spent on a weekend away somewhere)... my horse gets the most generous gifts and I won’t get anything back off her!

[oakleaffy]

If present buying causes issues.. eg you are keeping score, it seems pointless .
Call it a day. A card is fine.

[SadSecretSanta]

At least now you know where you stand, so there is no need to make an effort any more for her.

[ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf]

@TheLadyOfShallnott

I didn’t phoebe

I withdrew.

I have acquaintances but have never trusted anyone fully after that.

It really hurt. It wasn’t about the gift really. Just the indifference.

I'm not surprised it affected you. That's really shocking!

[diddl]

Tbh if you're discussing in advance to make it "fair" & decide to get each other the same-why bother?

I'd rather not exchange gifts than do that-maybe that's just me?

[TheLadyOfShallnott]

lastqueenofscotland

My sister’s dog is the gift receiver extraordinaire here.

Charity donations and tiny thoughtful gifts for/on behalf of the people.

[wheretonow123]

Well if its not the first time and she doesnt follow up with a present then knock it on the head going forward - even if you lose her as a friend.