AIBU to have had a massive fight with my mum because...

[leo1978]

She has said to my sister that she doesn't think I keep my ds warm enough. AND she said that she thought my sling wasn't safe in case I fell over.

Oh Lordy.

a massive fight? how massive? was anything thrown? doors slammed? insults hurled? swearing? ?

she is concerned, but not with any need to be, and that has obviously come across the wrong way, she should have spoken to you , not your sister...

eh?

lulu the voice of reason

leo...............my mum throws in passing comments, take with a huuuuuuuuuuuuuge pinch of salt, your sis has probably embalished what she said anyway

Never listen to comments by your parents, passed on secondhand from a sibling. Why did sis have to pass on that snippet anyway?

omg a mum who cares get a grip

Really not worth fighting over though is it

you know whats best for your ds take these things with a pinch of salt i find the nod and smile,then doing it my own way anyway works for me

Had to stop typing the original message half way through as guests arrived. Obviously the argument is not about the sling or the coldness of the baby.

The root of it comes from an evening when my ds was about 6 weeks old. I fed him and put him to bed and there he lay making the crazy noises that newborns do. I went downstairs, sat on the sofa next to mum and my stepdad looked at my mum (not me) and said 'Is he ok?' i.e 'does she know what she's doing?' and I feel that's been pretty much the vibe from them since then. Hence, 'Don't fall on him', 'You don;t keep him warm enough', 'does he get enough nutrients from your breastmilk?'!!!! etc. Usually I always ignore them and get on with it, but reacted too quickly when sis told me about their conversation and we now have World War 3. This whole situation is compunded by the fact that dh and I are relocating to be nearer them (and other family).

AIBU to be upset/annoyed angered by these comments or are they just being caring? I know I know what I am doing, but I want a little encouragement/confidence booster from them. I also know that I am an adult with my own family but I want this relationship to function. Does that make sense?

Sometimes it's better to just nod and tink inside 'just shut up' without actually saying anything.
It's just not worth rowing about imo.
My MIL has sadi countless annoying things over the years but I just try and ignore it all for the sake of my dh and kids.
It's just the grown up thing to do.

You aren't being unreasonable to be upset by them. They are the sort of niggling remarks we can do without. Especially at a time when we need encouragement and endorsement.

But they sound like they are just your mum's way of expressing her own nerves at a situation that is new and difficult for her too.

I'm guessing that it would be really hard for your mum to change in this respect, and that the best thing you could do would be to zone out of these niggles completely. Tell yourself that the comments are wrong and that you don't need to address them in anyway, and try not to resent your mum's anxiety.

My mum says things like this to me all the time. And to my dh! Just let it go over your head. She's not saying you're an unfit mother is she?

Your mum might be envious of you. Seeing you with a newborn is a reminder to your mum that she is no longer as young as she was.

Is this her first grandchild? if so, she has passed a landmark - she is no longer the mother of the family.

When babies are born into a family IMO it a gentle reminder of everyone's mortality. If she wants to assert her position as 'mother' then perhaps this thought is partly behind it, even if she is not admitting it to herself.

You have hormones, and a lack of sleep, you will shout at your mum and your relationship will survive.

You probably were worse as a teenager.

If your mum was really worried about ds rather than you - she would talk to you.

Sadly I think this kind of friction is common when a new mother doesn't parent the same way that they were parented.

My mum is a mixture of supportive and unsupportive elements. Recently I noticed that the supportive bits were to do with the parts of parenting she did with me (breastfeeding until 6 months, cloth nappies, responsive to baby, moses basket in our room)

But elements of our parenting choices which opposed her own choice are always critised (extended breastfeeding, ECing, babywearing, co-sleeping)

Now I put forward factual reports on the safety elements of these things and with future comments I just explain that 'this works for our baby and for our family'

It still hurts when she disagrees with our choices, but she respects us enough that she will potty my DD and feeds her expressed breastmilk when she babysits.

I think my mum realised this recently when she quiped to my father that she parented "all wrong" according to todays studies. This did upset me and I explained that there are many ways to parent and I need to follow the recent guidelines which I have access to today, just as she followed the health guidance she was given.

I don't want her to think that because we parent differently that I am critising her parenting, on the contrary I had a wonderful childhood and often remind her of how happy I was growing up in our family (outside school)

I had the slings are dangerous argument but better that she is strapped to me and I have BOTH arms are free to break any fall, than a mum pushing an empty pram and holding an infant on their hip with their other arm. Also what happens to babies in prams if the mother fall, I would think some prams would be left in or roll into a dangerous situation. i.e. There is no absolutely safe way of transporting a baby anywhere.

yanbu, but you may have to just listen to everything and actually take notice of just a little. It's not worth falling out over, honestly, my mum used to do it all the time (hell, she still does, she can't help it as to her, my ds walks on water!).
Everyone thinks they are an expert with someone else's kids!!!!!

I used to get very upset when my Mum made these sort of comments - sometimes I still do when I am particlulary tired.

You really have to just say "yes, Mum" and then do things the way you feel happy with. Parenting styles and practice have changed hugley over the last generation - my Mum thinks any new advice is total bunkum and that the way she did things 40 years ago is the only way to do anything