TW loads of things remind me of my teenaged problem

[grannyinapram]

Something happened when I was a teenager. The whole way, only once but humiliated after and gaslight into thinking it was my fault. blah blah blah

anyway I keep being reminded of it and its effecting me daily. some examples are

• making sure the volume on the TV isn't a certain number
• a superhero my child likes reminds me of the person so I hate playing/ talking about that superhero
• the main character in a book im reading reminds me of the person so I'm finding it very difficult to read. but I don't want to leave it on the shelf because it feels like I've lost
• sometimes when making love with dh i think about it and it just makes everything uncomfortable and I want to stop. This is the worst and I have stopped wanting to do it because of it.
• I asked dh to guess how many lights I put on the Christmas tree. he guessed that number (from the TV volume that I avoid) and it made me really angry and I snapped 'why did you say that' and his face was just twisted and he didn't get it.

I have not long hit the decade mark and things aren't getting easier. intact things are getting worse.

not really an aibu but
but I can't talk to dh about it and hopefully someone will comment saying it actually takes 11 years to get over so chill.

vague because its hard to type the actual words.

Would you be able to write down what happened as a first step. Burn it if necessary but you will be able to have at least made the first step of taking out of your mind. I often write private phone notes to myself and put them out to the “universe” before deleting them. I find it helps to take it out of my mind and put it somewhere else if that makes any sense.

If you felt able you could speak to a counselling service to help you process what was clearly an extremely traumatic experience.

I think that maybe I have been there too. It is so tough. But getting really good support was the best thing I ever did.

It sounds like you have PTSD
PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) can cause you to avoid objects, words or situations that are triggering, and it can then spread to things that remind you of the triggers. So you can end up avoiding all kinds of things, and it can end up looking like OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder).
I had CBT for agoraphobia and OCD and found that very useful, along with medication including anti depressants.

Ask your GP about med support and therapy including EMDR, its supposed to be very effective;
www.tewv.nhs.uk/services/what-is-eye-movement-desensitisation-reprocessing-emdr/