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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront this " colleague?"

57 replies

malificent7 · 02/12/2020 19:03

On placement.All students. Failed a test . I can retake it. One colleague mocked it by saying " i heard you have to get 35 marks wrong to get a fail."
So she had worked out out then told me when she knew i was feeling shit sbout it. And also goes on about how amazing she is and makes negative comments about other people's performance....even qualified staff way above us. She told me that the staff thought another colleague " wasn't that good."
She never says any of this to their face btw ....always behind peoples back.
We are all students btw so learning and none of us are 100% amazing.

OP posts:
laceyandcagney · 02/12/2020 21:39

@Audreyseyebrows

Are you both Nursing students?
My exact first thought too!
Dozer · 02/12/2020 21:39

She sounds unpleasant.

It’s easy to avoid / set boundaries with most of the unpleasant people at work: sounds like you haven’t done that with her.

Dozer · 02/12/2020 21:40

So YABU for engaging in drama!

thosetalesofunexpected · 02/12/2020 21:41

Oops I ment to say colleague.

Best of Luck next time you re sit this test.
I am sure you will pass next time, know you know what to expect.

Your colleague sounds very

insecure, very needy needing to constantly put you and other people down to feel superior

@BagBoneSpawnShot

I didn't get why you thought Op
Sounded mean,
what a peculiar comment to come out with !!

There's allways one isn't
thereHmm

malificent7 · 02/12/2020 21:42

True...i should have put boundaries in but she what i would call an aggressive bulldozer type

OP posts:
GarlicMonkey · 02/12/2020 21:45

Anyone can have an off day & fail a test. She'll learn. Until she does I'd distance myself though.

Butchyrestingface · 02/12/2020 21:48

All the men love her as she is young, pretty and says the right thing to the right people.

Haven't you had a bit of a bee in your bonnet about age and appearance recently? Or is that someone else with a similar username?

Anyway, just ignore her. If you're on a temporary placement, you'll be rid of her soon enough.

Tistheseason17 · 02/12/2020 21:51

You only have 2 wks left there. Get a grip,ignore and move on- or people will notice you in a bad way!

BagBoneSpawnShot · 02/12/2020 21:52

@thosetalesofunexpected
Always one what?
Op asked for an opinion. I find it rather peculiar you haven't gathered the gist of the forum yet.

category12 · 02/12/2020 21:52

Don't confront her after the fact.

Just next time something like this crops up, just say stop what you're doing, look at her and say "wow", and walk away.

malificent7 · 02/12/2020 21:57

Yes i have a bee in my bonnet about looks and age as I am a crusty old hag obviously!

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 02/12/2020 22:04

Yes i have a bee in my bonnet about looks and age as I am a crusty old hag obviously!

Just think, behind our Covid-compliant masks, we are aw Jock Tamson's bairns. Grin

mummmy2017 · 02/12/2020 22:10

Say to her that you'd rather be nice to everyone as you never know when they might be your boss.

AmorFattyOwlOne · 02/12/2020 22:14

@malificent7

Basically everyone else is crap apart from her and the others are too scared to stand up to her.
Don't expect anybody to stand up for you. This has been my experience. IN a kip williams study about bullying, only 2% of people will be a bystander who intervenes. But more people do NOTICE what's going on. Not everybody mind you. But what's shocking is that people notice and do nothing.

I was pushed out of a group by one very domineering woman. It was a group we both had every right to be in iyswim, so I can go back when I'm ready. I need time. She gave me the silent treatment (while love bombing every other member of the group). If anybody noticed, not one of them said anything. I wasn't expecting any heroism, but just a bit of 'hey, owl one, what do you think?', if i noticed this being done to somebody else by the most dominant member of a group, that's what I'd do. Perhaps it's that willingness to stand up for others that makes me her target. I wanted to belong. But in the end, when she ejected me from the group I worked on my values and it was good for me in the end.

I could say I feel sorry for her because she is only faking being confident and is clearly very insecure to bully out somebody who has no agenda to be more popular than she is. I do want to check in with myself and make sure that I'm acting in accordance with my own values. So I guess although I'd like to be popular, i want to be worthy of being liked more than I want to be popular. So it helped me to stay on course, just reminding myself of that.

There are people who have a running hierarchy in their heads all the time. People above them, they use for validation. People below them, they use to feel superior. These people are out there in droves. I think I trigger them because I don't blow smoke up the ass of these types who need a lot of admiration for doing the same as the rest of us. A little warning bell goes off in my head ''oh shit, covert narc'' and the next think I know they're trying to get me out of a group.

AmorFattyOwlOne · 02/12/2020 22:18

Boundaries CAN make these types crank up the passive aggression a notch.

Because when they thought that you understood that yo uwere beneath them, they tolerated you with relatively benign condescension. But when you asserted a boundary and tipped them off to the fact that you do not understand that you are BENEATH THEM, then that is when they get really angry with you.

malificent7 · 02/12/2020 22:33

Oh fuck her anger, feelings of superiority ir whatever...two weeks? Id rather put her in her place tomorrow...besides next week i am at a different placement so only have 1 week left her her narc behaviour. In fact...i only really have 2 days left with her so may say something).

OP posts:
AliMonkey · 02/12/2020 22:41

I had a colleague, we both started work at same time, both sitting same professional exams. She declared in the first few weeks "anyone who fails an exam is stupid". They are hard exams. 50% of those starting them don't pass them all. So she was the stupid one, as to even get the job you had to be bright and most people failed at least one. As time went on, some failed exams and we all sympathised greatly. She got her comeuppance in the end. She failed an exam. We all laughed.

Haffiana · 02/12/2020 22:57

Oh fuck her anger,

The irony...

OP, you have let her into your HEAD. Like a worm, you are letting her reside there. You are feeding the worm in your head, giving it fuel and power.

Cam2020 · 02/12/2020 23:03

I'd say let her get on with it. The more people just let her get away with it, the more she'll do it. It'll snowball until she either says something really inappropriate or says something undermining about the wrong person and will get herself into a whole heap of trouble you might not be there to see it, but it will happen. Pride comes before a fall.

Bugoluu · 02/12/2020 23:18

Let her get on with it. These sort of things have a way of biting you on the bum

If you say something now theres a good chance people will consider you both as equally unprofessional.

CaledoniaCatalan · 02/12/2020 23:44

If you're going to see the back of her in 2 weeks just ignore

malificent7 · 03/12/2020 03:44

Yeah good advice....not sure why i let her get in my head tbh.

OP posts:
Frannibananni · 03/12/2020 04:00

@Audreyseyebrows

Are you both Nursing students?
My first thought too 😬
malificent7 · 03/12/2020 04:05

Healthcare...not nursing but similar. Nhs. Nice how the caring professions attract this type.

OP posts:
10pennychews · 03/12/2020 04:11

@malificent7

Healthcare...not nursing but similar. Nhs. Nice how the caring professions attract this type.
Because they like attention and nothing better for attention than being in healthcare... I say this as a nurse. I get quite embarrassed about how people view me and it has been on steroids this year, to the point my son told someone we where casually chatting to at a very safe distance and he started to clap me... then other people started (queuing at a shop) I was mortified. The hierarchy doesn't help in the NHS with this type, feeds their negativity, but you need to step back as you are coming across in the same manner and believe me I had someone like this in my set... they get under your skin. Best thing about health care in the main people are lovely