Don’t want to send my son to nursery. Are my fears irrational?

[Mamaducksays]

I’m a first time mum my son is 9 months old.

I’m due back to work in March when he will be just over a year old.

I’m getting myself so worked up about sending my son to a nursery 3 days a week.

I’m so anxious that he’s going to get ill.
Bugs, germs or more serious diseases.

I’m losing sleep over the thought of something happening to him.

I keep telling myself all parents feel this way, but do they? Is what I’m feeling normal?

Yes it’s normal. Send him; he’ll enjoy it.

It’s normal; but still irrational. He’ll be fine!

I’m so anxious that he’s going to get ill.
Bugs, germs or more serious diseases
It's actually good for them as it expose to them and they are less likely to suffer from ilnesses once they start school.

But yes, totally normal to feel this way at this stage. You'll hate the first day and then gradually relax as you'll see he is very happy.

I've been a nursery nurse for 12 years. It's totally normal for you to feel this way. It's often the parents that are upset the first day and not the child. Try not to show how anxious you are to dc as they will pick up on it and it could make the transition harder for them. Also, it's completely possible he will pick up coughs and colds, maybe stomach bugs in the first few months. Please don't worry because this is normal too. I'm sure he'll love it. Once you see how happy he is when he's there you'll feel better.

A very first time mum post 😅.
Op your kid will be fine 😊. Exposing kids to germs is a GOOD thing. And yes your kid will get sick and get colds and all that, but that just helps dc to built an immune system.

I don't think it's very rational honestly. I think it's normal to worry about the transition, the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. But I don't think it's normal or healthy to have an intense fear and preoccupation with it. Though yes, definitely it's hard to imagine how completely routine and a non-event it will be when you are on this side of it.

Yes, he will get ill. All children in nursery get ill. Thankfully by then, we'll be in a much better place in terms of COVID. Though fwiw, mine has been back in nursery nearly full time since June and hasn't had COVID, not even had to self-isolate, no issues at nursery (or at my older one's school either). But normal childhood illnesses, yes, they'll happen. It's ideal to be starting in March as the worst of the winter will be over by then, so you won't have to deal with it too much this year.

But nursery is great for building their immune systems. Mine were both sick a lot the first 2 years, but after that, it's easier and the great thing is that they have ironclad immune systems by the time they get to school. The ones who have really suffered are friend's dc who never went to nursery. They are in primary school and sick, in hospital with some bug or another all the time. I do think not having the exposure early on is a disadvantage.

You'll all be fine. Just enjoy the time you have at home now.

It's totally normal to worry, but you also need to be realistic because he WILL get bugs from nursery. That's totally normal too and part of growing his immune system. My son never had an upset tummy or cold until he went to nursery at 9 months and he got a cold the first week.

This winter has been slightly better than last, I think because of covid precautions tbh, but he has still had 2 high temps since September.

Exposing your child to bugs and germs is good for them.

Is it just health anxiety or other worries? I couldn't bear the thought of having someone else look after my small children for a full day, so I became a SAHM. I appreciate that's not an option for everybody though.

My second DD was so clingy I was really reluctant to send her to nursery. The same one her older sister attends.
I honestly thought she would cry until she was sick or pass out.
But no. Two bedding in sessions, an unsure week of 2 full days, then brilliant. That was in August and she practically ran in this morning without a hug, kiss, wave anything!
She loves it! She was about 14mo when she started.
My oldest DD was 10mo and she was great too!
Natural to worry, but mine thrived there.

DS went 3 days at 4 months and caught absolutely everything he could have done in the first year but we had no need to give him any calpol etc between ages 2 - 7 and he had 7 days off school sick between Reception & Y13.

totally irrational yes. but totally normal to feel this way too.

my littlest started nursery in January of this year. she was literally there for a month and then lockdown happened. in that month she had a cold, an ear infection and conjunctivitis. which was fun.

my oldest was the same. cold after cold. thankfully nothing worse. (i think he's swerved chickenpox 3 times now...)

i felt all sorts of anxiety about sending them both when i went back to work. would they get ill, was i cruel for letting them get ill by exposing them to germs etc etc. was i doing the right thing sending them and going back to work.

its normal.

both dc are happy at nursery, and settled. best thing i ever did.

@mineandyours

Is it just health anxiety or other worries?

Honestly, I find myself worrying about all sorts recently.

I’m worried about him eating at nursery, I’m worried he might choke.
Worried he might fall and hurt himself.
Worried he won’t make any friends.

All normal.

Having done the nursery and childminder thing with all three kids, I'd always go for childminder over nursery if those are your worries.

In the kindest way, I don't think this is a normal level of worry about bugs / germs and sounds maybe a little phobic. I totally understand as I was like this. I disinfected remote controls and door handles daily. This was well before covid and God only knows how that has affected peoples thinking. I also had intrusive thoughts about harm coming to my baby. I didn't ask for help but maybe I should have. Maybe you should op.

Or perhaps you have a normal level of worry that's focusing on germs for obvious reasons.

I think everyone worries about nursery. Totally understandable. It's a big step.

But if it's loosing you sleep and intruding on your thoughts you should talk this through with a professional.

It’s normal. My son is a little older and started nursery last week - he already has a cold, I thought we’d get at least a week or so before it happened. I’m prepared for much worse over the coming months, especially as lockdown has meant he has spent barely any time with anyone except me and DP.

It’s normal to be nervous but this does sound like quite a high level of anxiety. Remember than thousands of children and babies, many a lot younger than yours, go to childcare though, and they’re all fine.

[quote Mamaducksays]@mineandyours

Is it just health anxiety or other worries?

Honestly, I find myself worrying about all sorts recently.

I’m worried about him eating at nursery, I’m worried he might choke.
Worried he might fall and hurt himself.
Worried he won’t make any friends.[/quote]
The thing is, the first two of those could happen anywhere. I'd argue that they're actually more likely to happen at home than at nursery. There are way more hazards in my home than in DS' nursery room! In terms of friends, they really don't have any concept of other children for a couple of years so absolutely no need to worry about that at all. Bugs, yeah, there are plenty. But they will catch them eventually and they need that exposure. I thought I would be very anxious but one settling in session (which I was allowed to stay for) completely reassured me and DS loves it there. Almost too much! On Monday, he came out his room, saw me standing there and turned back around to go back and play!

Are there any childminders near by? Generally less children and Smaller groups So less chance of your child picking up bugs. Your local council should have a Local family information service That will hold a list of all childminders in your area.

But, yes, lots of new parents worry about leaving their child in childcare, but hopefully by March when you go back to work, you will be confident that you have made the right childcare choice for your child. (You will hopefully have met the people caring for your child a couple more times by then and done a couple of settling in sessions, so hopefully more relaxed about it).

In normal times, I would say it’s normal
To be nervous but get on with it. In the middle of a global pandemic, I would be looking for alternatives and only use nursery if I had no other options.

Normal PFB post! But send him, it'll be good for him. He will get ill, but he would get those bugs whether it was now or in 2 years. My DS started nursery one day a week at 10 months and got what felt like every virus under the sun for the following few months, but at almost 5 now he's rarely ill. My nephew didn't go to nursery until he started his 30 free hours age 3, and he was so poorly the whole first term. It happens regardless of the age of the child!

He is less likely to get seriously ill if he picks up minor bugs at nursery. Many medical studies show this. Colds and tummy bugs at this age are good for them in the long run.

It’s very normal to be nervous, but I’m not sure your levels of anxiety sound normal.

I can relate though, I was really terrified of my DS going to nursery. I think it’s very hard at the moment too - in normal times I’d say go and visit the nursery again, ask them questions about everything that’s worrying you, etc. But that’s not on the table at the moment, you have so much less visibility, and I think that contributes towards anxiety.

On your specific worries:

1. Bugs and germs - yes they do get minor illnesses regularly but it’s good for them. I doubt your son will pick up anything very serious at nursery.
2. Choking - this could happen at home, but the people who work in nurseries are first aid trained and have all been trained on preparing food for babies. They’re very aware of choking - they’ll definitely not be giving him whole grapes and cherry tomatoes. I think a lot of places spoonfeed babies for safety too - you could ask. I was paranoid about this too but realised he was probably safer with a room full of people with first aid qualifications than with me!
3. Falling over and accidents - yes, bumps and scrapes will happen (as they would anywhere), but again, nurseries are generally much safer than the average home! No knives, kettles, cables, cookers; everything’s carefully risk assessed.

I do relate because I was so nervous about sending my son (who was the same age as yours, slightly younger). 5 months later he runs in in the morning and is reluctant to leave in the evening, which makes me both very happy and very sad!

Yes that's irrational. He'll be fine.

There's far bigger worries that come than sending them to nursery. If you think you have anxiety please seek help otherwise some aspects of parenthood might be a struggle for you.

Also, children really do feed off your nerves so make the settling in session and first drop off as positive as possible.

The nursery staff are probably more qualified than you are at handling emergencies so you really need to try and get over this. It wont do your child any good to be raised by an anxious, overbearing parent who falls to pieces whenever they are out of sight.

You're still new to being a parent so these feelings are totally normal but it is important that you work through them and dont hold your child back because of them.

Oh poor you, I remember being so scared sending off my eldest to nursery. I actually sobbed outside once I’d dropped her off, a kind stranger stopped and offered me a smoke and said her son had started nursery 10 years ago and she’d felt the same. It’s a natural transition that has to happen at some point as your child grows up but of course it’s difficult. Sending you strength.

@WheresMyMask

I'd always go for childminder over nursery if those are your worries

Really, why?
I’ve always preferred the idea of a nursery.