Crushing sadness. Cant see a way through it

[Feelinglost006]

Posting here for traffic.
Let me start by saying I know I am fortunate given how 2020 has turned out that I havent lost anyone to covid and I have a job and my children. Its just everything has got on top of me again and I am feeling overwhelmed with sadness.

I am a single parent (ex husband pays maintenace but sees the children the bare minimum usually around 6 hours or less on a sunday) He was verbally and physically abusive and I divorced him after being together almost 18 years.

I then later met someone else and I have posted about what happened but he cheated on me with sex workers before ending things saying he wants his own children one day (I cant have anymore children which he knew when he met me) He was / is also a user of cocaine (ex husband was an alocoholic and used coke)

I was very upset about the break up, changed my anti depressants and went on beta blockers as I had anxiety so bad I was struggling to function. I was doing alot better . I miss my ex and I only have one friend who i can have a coffee with or who I would meet up with (this isnt a lockdown thing- I dont have friends really. people I know not friends.)

I am doing everything to give my children a happy nice christmas , I am working and keeping the show on the road. However it was my birthday yesterday and its all hit me like a tonne of bricks. That i have my children but I dont have anyone else. I got a card from the children which my mum arranged and then they went back to arguing over an advent calendar and who wanted to watch what on tv. My childrens father never acknowledges my birthday anyway or any of his family. My ex gave me a card which was a birthday in lockdown type thing and a book I mentioned i was thinking of buying, It came up on my facebook memories my birthday last year and the lovely things he wrote about me , i was taken out and spoilt by him. Contrasted to this year obviously aas we arent together. He made no mention of it or me on facebook at all which i know sounds stupid but made me feel so sad.

last year he came to mine christmas night with me and my family and new years me and my children went to one of his relatives. This year i am working all of christmas week (key worker) on nights but i am off new years and I know it will be me sitting on my own watching tv when the kids are in bed or i will go to bed early myself.

What lockdown has done is shone a light on things. and I have realised that my life is the same lockdown or not. No one calls or texts me (yes i reach out to people, i ask how they are, take an interest, buy people thoughful gifts on their birthdays and christmas , am supportive etc) but I never seem to get the same in return. My ex has lots of friends and is looking forward to life getting back to normal next year and its just made me feel wretched that I wont be part of that and I will still be either at work or at home on my own while everyone starts going back out getting together and enjoying life again.

Todays just brought it all home really. I am at work now and feel just so sad i just want to go home and get into bed and have a good cry. I wish i didnt have this hurt inside anymore

Hi @Feelinglost006
I'm so sorry you are feeling sad..you have a lot on your plate with your breakup, the lockdowns, being a keyworker and a single mum. It can be overwhelming to try and juggle everything on your own. It sounds like you don't have anything to look forward to...It's okay to be sad and it's ok to have a good cry about it.... maybe you can go talk to your GP to get a referral if you still feel sad and things aren't looking brighter soon.

I saw your post and just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and I am sending you some
Take care OP

I have no words of advice but couldn’t read and not reply. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. This year has been ridiculous for everyone but having all this on top must be hard to bear. Your feelings are valid. I hope things feel easier soon

@Feelinglost006 - I can really understand where you are coming from. I don’t have young DC but older ones who have graduated from college and Uni but cannot get jobs in their field and I worry if they ever will. I have what looks like a “great job” but I absolutely hate it and WFH is soul destroying. I’ve got terrible insomnia at the best of times but it’s off the scale at the moment and I too feel a crushing sadness. Been drinking too much as well which can help me get a sleep but I look awful.

Today (well yesterday now) I gave myself a bit of a kick up the arse and went out for a long walk. There is a walking group at work which I’ve committed to in the hope of being more motivated.

I don’t have any easy solutions but hang in there - you are not alone

Thanks and sorry to hear others are also struggling. I came home this morning and had a bit of a cry in the car before going to bed for an hour

@Feelinglost006
Hi, I'm glad you were able to have a good cry...and I hope it helped lift some of the crushing sadness that you are feeling.
You are going to be okay, @Feelinglost006! Things are going to get better. Believe this. Who knows...maybe 2021 will be the year you find a loving man who will appreciate you and treat you well. You deserve nothing less. You're exes have done you a favour by letting you go...as the saying goes " You can't find Mr.Right until you get rid of Mr. Wrong"
In the meantime, enjoy your DC because before you know it they will be all grown up. Can you plan something like a trip or activity for the future that you all can be involved in on the planning? It will give you something to look forward to.
You have permission to release those rotten exes and get on with living the life you were meant to live before they came into the picture and caused lots of anguish with abuse, alcohol, and cocaine.
And just because nobody you love has died of covid, and you still have a job, and have your lovely DC doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel crushing sadness.
As far as your ex having lots of friends, it sounds as if they are not the kind of people you'd like to expose your children to....it may appear they are all having a great time, but having no friends is far better than being friends with someone who accepts an unhealthy and unlawful lifestyle. Are they the type of people you'd encourage your DC to be Friends with when your DC get to be adults?
I don't want to be a busy body and tell you what to do, but...I think you need to find some sort of charity to work with..there are never enough volunteers and who knows who you might meet whilst helping someone else..
I also suggest you could try working at an animal shelter as a volunteer...since you describe yourself as not being a big people person, I bet you have a special way with animals, OP....they give so much unconditional love to their human carers and it should brighten your day knowing that animals at the shelter are looking forward to you coming in and caring and giving them some love.
Take care! You are still in my thoughts.

How are you today @feeling?

I have been to my GP and been signed off work sick until next month. It will allow me a few weeks to re group and consider what I do next generally and give me some breathing space to just concentrate on the children and the home and Christmas. I am trying not to think too much about the future but to simply get on with the here and now. I felt absolutely overwhelmed at work as though I was being crushed or suffocated the other night when I started this thread . Christmas will be hard I think but my children are starting to grow up and they won’t believe and there be the innocence for many more years now so I want to make it a good one
Seeing them smile and happy will make it all worthwhile

Their father only saw them for 3 hours last Sunday and this weekend he isn’t seeing them at all. It’s a huge pressure on me and I get very little help and next to no support. My eldest is 15 so not old enough to be left with my other kids who range between 10 and 7 so that’s not even an option for me

@Feelinglost006
I'm glad you are taking control of the things in your life that you can control...so good that you have stepped up to take care of yourself by getting time off work. Well done! You're taking one day at a time and handling it. Which is all we can do...live in the moment.
3 DC is a lot of work and especially since their age span is not close together so they have very different needs.
You are a good mum! You know how I can tell? Because you aren't dumping your younger children's care off on your 15 year old whilst you go out and have fun. Many older siblings have to become the other parent to single mums or dads and its not fair for them not to be able to live their own childhood. My DH had to do this for 4 younger siblings..it just causes resentment.
Your DC father can't appreciate the blessings that he has been given. What a creep...but less time for him to be a bad influence on them.

Thanks. Spoke to GP today and then have increased my beta blocker from 10mg 3 times a day to 40mg three times a day to kill the anxiety symptoms.

I can’t say what my job is on here as it would out me but I fought long and hard to get into the job I am in and whilst in it I have fought hard to prove myself and to move into a particular area of work which I am really good at and enjoy. I can honestly say I love going to work .

Trying to fight the feeling tonight to message ex husband and call him out on needing to step up and do more. I have raised it with him in the past and again more recently but it falls on deaf ears. He knows the job I do the hours I work and the stress I am under as a single parent with kids. He doesn’t even have them overnight. Hasn’t cooked then a dinner or done homework with them in almost 3 years. I am struggling and really need the load lightened for all our sakes and he simply won’t help me

@Feelinglost006
I'm so glad you called the GP and got your meds sorted.

It is rotten that exH will not step up and spend time with his children. It must be hard for you to handle everything on your own right now. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your exH lack of help.

From what you say about your tenacity to get your dream job it shows that you have lots of fortitude which is also what you are showing by raising 3 children with little to no help.
Hang in there and put one foot in front of the other..things are going to get better

Thanks. Ex husband text this morning wanting to know if he can see the kids this Saturday . This is after not seeing them this weekend. I haven’t replied as yet. I feel tired today. Mentally tired. I took the kids to school went to Aldi and then spent the day on the sofa most of it asleep. Easy tea for dinner and now back in bed. Feel too tired to even hold a conversation I just can’t be bothered right now. I have piles and piles of washing everywhere. Clean to go away , wet hanging up drying and another load to go on in the machine . I literally have no motivation. Even my shopping is still in its bags to be put away on the hall floor

OP have you ever sorted out access officially with your ex? Him texting to ask ‘can he have them’ - all on his terms and for short periods!!! Maybe you have a she just ignores???

Also - get the DC involved. At their ages they should be able to help with chores and put the shopping away etc. I appreciate it may be a battle at first and you are de-motivated, but you would be teaching them that people need to step up when loved ones need help.

and he.......not ‘a she’

@Feelinglost006
Hi, I hope you're doing better after having several days rest... It does seem that as tired as you are that you did need time away from work! I'm glad you were able to take the time off.
Could your increased tiredness be cause by your getting adjusted to the beta blockers and the increase?
If you've decided to let your ex see your DC, I hope he doesn't disappoint them by not showing up.

@Feelinglost006
Hi...I'm just checking in on you to see how you are feeling...hopefully some of your sadness has abated.
Have you been able to spend some time doing fun things with your DC? I always used to enjoy sitting on the couch with a nice cozy blanket with my mum and listening to her tell me funny things she did as a child...one story she just told me was that when she was 4 years old( so about in 1936 or so) she decided she wanted some sweeties. She came up with a fabulous idea to go round to all the neighbours and knock on the door and yell
" TRICK OR TREAT!" The neighbours were a bit confused since it was only August and Halloween was months away...fortunately they were kind and just told her that she should return in 2 months on Oct.31 and they'd give her some treats.
My mum has the most beautiful head of naturally curly hair...once when she was a teen she decided to make an appointment at the beauty school since the students needed victims
Models to learn how to fix hairdos. After many attempts to work her naturally frizzy curly hair into a fabulous new do , they finally gave up, put her hair into two long plaits like HEIDI and told her as she was leaving " Please don't tell anyone you were here...we will never get any volunteers if you do!"🤣

Hi @feelinglost006

I'm a single parent too and there is a a great app for socialising and support for single parents called FROLO. You'll find a lot of people who understand what your experiencing x

Hi everyone
Medically feeling a lot brighter . I have two children home self isolating due to cases in their bubble. Last thing I needed the week before Christmas. Still have a food shop to do and some presents to buy plus the bulk of their wrapping as it’s all in the loft above our heads out of sight.

Their father knows about the self isolation they are doing and also that I have zero help to enable me to have any break or even leave the house. This weekend coming he’s decided he’s working both days (he works in construction and weekends are optional ) and says Christmas Day and Boxing Day he’s busy so is only available Christmas Eve EVENING to see them. I believe this to be deliberate obstruction to make my life difficult and I have told him my feelings. That he should keep one day clear every weekend to see them (this is the umpteenth time now this has happened or he’s been on weekends away with his new girlfriend - lockdown in March he didn’t bother for months to see them ) I asked him a couple of months ago to come up one night in the week and see the children after work (he drives and lives 30 mins drive away ) he said he would take my comments on board and has never bothered with it. I raised that and as usual he made himself the victim and said whatever he does is wrong. I said it’s the fact he does nothing which is the issue. I feel incredibly frustrated and have a good mind to block him on every platform and withdraw contact now and he can persue me through the court (at least it will be regular contact ) I am tired feel suffocated and trapped
My eldest is 15 so I can leave him with my younger kids while I pop to a shop and do a click and collect for example or go shopping for my groceries late at night at the supermarket when it’s quiet and when they are in bed .

Oh forgot to add he’s giving them cash (6.7.9 and 15 year old) for their Christmas presents

I don't think you can be surprised that you do not have time for friendships or dating. You are working full time, and are caring for two children completely on your own.

You need a babysitter or your ex to step up, so that you have a break every single week, you can go out, have some time to yourself at home etc. Things are never going to improve. I would either consider a court arrangement that is fixed so he can not keep moving the dates. Or get a good babysitter. Your eldest is 15 so really maybe he could in a year or so if you don't trust him now?

A new hobby, sport or somewhere to make friends or hook up with old friends will be a good starting point.

Three children!

@houseinthesnow yes agree with everything you have said. Dating isn’t of any interest to me now after the break up of my marriage and then the recent relationship. I have a lot on my plate with work and the children and I want to focus on my career and development with that as I am studying for some qualifications (I wasn’t in this post when I got with my ex . I work nights and daytimes are sleeping and my week off is when the house gets cleaned and life admin gets done )

@Feelinglost006
I am so glad to hear you are medically feeling better. Now its time to work on your mental health
I was gardening yesterday and thinking about you and your distance xDH....It all of a sudden occurred to me that he is taking up tonnes of room in your head space....Which in itself can be extremely draining. From your posts it sounds like you've made a very positive life for yourself and your children and you shouldn't give him the power to cause your thoughts to be negative. Like you said in your pp it would be helpful to just go completely NC with him as right now all he is doing is causing you and your DC grief. Think about how wonderful it will be when you release him from the hold he has over you! I speak from experience...he will NEVER change no matter how much you or your DC wish him to. Cut him loose.....you will benefit greatly when you can do that. He seems to be one of the only negative things that you have in your life...don't let him steal your joy and thoughts....and crazy thing is, he really has no idea that he has that much space in your brain!
Your children will benefit greatly by you being able to let him go...the image you have of him helping you or enjoying his children is just that...an "image" in YOUR head....He doesn't have that same image and never will.
He has a personality disorder of some kind that allows him to only care about himself and not even THINK about anyone else.
You are released from him! Now go get your shopping done and wrap all those thoughtful presents in the loft that you lovingly got for your DC and make it a lovely holiday without that ole drag of an ex weighing down you and yours

Is there a reason your 15 year old can’t look after the younger ones? At 15 I was being paid to babysit three children under 5.

@MaskingForIt probably more that I don’t think it’s fair on him and sometimes he can get quite stressed looking after them even for short times. I am worried leaving them like that for a long period if their father finds out (they could mention it to him ) he will report me to social services. I believe a child under 16 shouldn’t be left alone overnight. Him and my mum are the two sources of stress to me. And also being off work I am on a very low income now and I am flat out broke. Admittedly I have overspent on presents for the children this Christmas but as they get older it does get more expensive and I haven’t gone ridiculously stupid but it all adds up doesn’t it.