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AIBU?

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Original poster

Please help me to stand my ground

27 replies

couldntgiveaflyingfudge · 01/12/2020 23:40

I posted a general question earlier but since then, DP has become more and more derogatory towards me as the day progressed. It's gotten to the point where he's making snide sarcastic remarks and telling me to fuck off in front of toddler DC, and 'go and take my tablets and make their milk'. Every single thing I've done today is wrong. I feel like crap. I'm trying to stay angry instead of getting upset, but it's not working. I need to know what a strong person would do in my current situation.

OP posts:
Goingtogetflamed · 01/12/2020 23:42

What’s your relationship like normally? What’s happened for this situation to flare up?
Unless he’s normally lovely and something major has happened then he’s an arse and you might choose to talk to someone in real life about leaving?

Smallsteps88 · 01/12/2020 23:44

A strong person would leave him. Recognise your worth and leave. Or at least remove yourself from his presence and decide tomorrow whether he should leave or you will.

Pantsomime · 01/12/2020 23:44

For now ignore him & don’t bite- longer term plan towards the day you & your dcs leave Him. Make lists if you can - why he’s horrible, what he does to you how he makes you feel so when you look back it gives you strength & know it’s him not you- good luck turn the anger into forward motion into your DH free lovely future

papaelf · 01/12/2020 23:51

I'm trying to stay angry instead of getting upset

It's ok to be upset when you are treated badly. Please make sure he can't do it again. Leave.

Original poster
couldntgiveaflyingfudge · 02/12/2020 00:14

I have plans to leave. It's likely to take a while, I'm not in a great position financially and I know that if I tell him I'm planning to leave then all hell will break loose. He bounces back and forth between being super loving and caring and being completely resentful towards me. The way he talks to me in front of his friends and family and DC is sometimes appalling. I wish I knew something I could say to make him feel as shitty as I do right now.

OP posts:
switswooo · 02/12/2020 00:20

I'm so sorry, OP. What happens if you answer back? I would tell him calmly, 'no, you fuck off and make their milk', but if you don't feel safe I wouldn't escalate the situation.

user541633589911 · 02/12/2020 00:20

You don't tell him you're planning to leave, you just leave.

Smallsteps88 · 02/12/2020 00:22

I wish I knew something I could say to make him feel as shitty as I do right now.

Your power is in silence. He says these things to hurt you, he gets joy out of you reacting because he knows he’s hit his target. If you want to take some control then don’t react at all, remove yourself from his presence every time he starts. Just straight away leave the room. Don’t explain what you’re doing. Say nothing, just leave. Go to the bathroom or garden or just another room and busy yourself. Distract yourself. Don’t react.

Original poster
couldntgiveaflyingfudge · 02/12/2020 00:24

I answered back a little earlier. I shouted, I said to him to stop talking to me like this. His response was that I was going to upset the children by shouting Confused. Then that's when he told me to fuck off and make their milk. I feel like I'm going crazy, honestly. I wish somebody else could witness this, even if they told me I was wrong and it wasn't happening the way I saw it then at least I'd have some clarity either way.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 02/12/2020 00:24

I would say “ is it smart to teach a toddler to swear. Maybe try that sentence again without swearing” . Any attempt at reuttering a vile sentence without swearing even if successful just laugh like a super light ha ha. Then say “ cool cool” and walk away. But only do this if you are 100 percent positive it won’t escalate

Original poster
couldntgiveaflyingfudge · 02/12/2020 00:29

I will try to say nothing. I want this to be over. I don't want any of this drama, honestly, I have so many hopes for a nicer future with my lovely children and I feel like I'm having strips torn off me on a daily basis. I wish I knew how to make it out of this. I'm sorry for getting so emotional. I feel stuck.

OP posts:
Wandafishcake · 02/12/2020 00:33

He is being a vile and abusive bully towards you.
Honestly, if this is happening regularly, I would leave asap. There is never going to be a perfect time to leave. I inow finances are difficult but waiting for finances to improve can take a long time and all this while the children are growing up and they are apending their childhood witnessing domestic abuse. Don’t expose them to any more, make your plans and leave asap xxx

As for dealing with it right now, ignore ignore ignore. Those who said power is in silence are right. Emotionally disconnect. Pretend he is a character on the TV or and while you hear and experience his words, they have no bearing on you.

Good luck Flowers

Wyntersdiary · 02/12/2020 00:36

Thing is... longer you stay the more your child will learn to act that way. This is the age they learn.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2020 00:55

@Wandafishcake

He is being a vile and abusive bully towards you. Honestly, if this is happening regularly, I would leave asap. There is never going to be a perfect time to leave. I inow finances are difficult but waiting for finances to improve can take a long time and all this while the children are growing up and they are apending their childhood witnessing domestic abuse. Don’t expose them to any more, make your plans and leave asap xxx

As for dealing with it right now, ignore ignore ignore. Those who said power is in silence are right. Emotionally disconnect. Pretend he is a character on the TV or and while you hear and experience his words, they have no bearing on you.

Good luck Flowers

^^ This

There is nothing you can say to either shut him up or make him realize he's being abusive. All you'd do is make a bad situation worse. And since you're planning to leave why bother doing either.

And Wanda is also right that there is never a 'perfect' time to leave. The 'best' time to leave is as soon as you can even if it's not the optimum time financially. Better to be eating beans in a bedsit in peace now than to wait in misery so you can eat filet mignon in a mansion.

Now is the time to take a look at your support system of friends, family, agencies. It's time to look at the people who may have fallen away from your life and think about contacting them to bring them back into it.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 02/12/2020 01:03

Treat the cunt the same way.

Original poster
couldntgiveaflyingfudge · 02/12/2020 01:03

I'll do my best to ignore him. I have a blanket to crochet. He will sit there and pretend I don't exist and that will hurt. But it will be worth it in the long run?

OP posts:
Leaannb · 02/12/2020 03:06

@couldntgiveaflyingfudge

I'll do my best to ignore him. I have a blanket to crochet. He will sit there and pretend I don't exist and that will hurt. But it will be worth it in the long run?
You're getting ot backwards. Crochet and believe he doesn't exist
blubberball · 02/12/2020 03:26

So sorry you and your dc are experiencing this domestic abuse. Have you got family or friends you could stay with? Or get in touch with women's aid?

I've been there, and I left with nothing but the clothes on my back. Luckily I was able to stay with my parents. It wasn't the ideal time to leave, but when is? My current self is extremely grateful to my past self for leaving the abusive marriage.

Good luck op. Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2020 22:56

@couldntgiveaflyingfudge

I'll do my best to ignore him. I have a blanket to crochet. He will sit there and pretend I don't exist and that will hurt. But it will be worth it in the long run?
Ignoring is best.

My ex used to give me the silent treatment. I understand that hurt. But I told myself that I could only control my reaction, I couldn't control him.

So when he started ignoring me I told myself "Well, it's better to be ignored than to be verbally abused. When he's ignoring me at least he's not calling me names or worse". So, you have to think of the 'silent treatment' as the 'peaceful treatment'. When he's ignoring you think of it as a respite, not a punishment.

It may take a few times, but soon you be able to relax when he's ignoring you. You may even start to enjoy it. 😉

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2020 22:57

And remember it's only temporary. Keep moving ahead and you'll be OUT before you know it.

Original poster
couldntgiveaflyingfudge · 03/12/2020 18:09

Sorry I missed the replies. I saw my family support worker today and she said that I didn't look well. I know this is all getting to me and causing physical stress. She suggested a refuge. I think that might be a good idea. Thank you for the advice. I don't have friends or family to speak to about these things. It's been so helpful to have people here to talk to, even though I've been wallowing.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2020 18:17

You know you have to get out, right?

That's the only substantive point to be made here.

How you chose to react - or not -- is of secondary importance.

Once you're focused on the main goal you won't care how he speaks to you. He's a controlling bully and his opinion counts for nothing.

What steps can you take in the short term to get away from this horrible man? Focus on that and you will rise above all the rest.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/12/2020 18:18

Just to follow your last reply, I think you should take her up on the refuge idea.

You have to get away from him.

Original poster
couldntgiveaflyingfudge · 03/12/2020 19:36

I know I'd be much better off away from here. The idea of uprooting DC and taking them to an unfamiliar place without their home comforts around them makes me feel like I'm being selfish. I know that probably doesn't make much sense. But especially so close to Christmas, it's really weighing heavily on my mind.

OP posts:
june2007 · 03/12/2020 19:40

If your family support worker is picking up on this make your move now before support services force it on you. Ok they ight not but if they feal the relationships is damaging and your not doing anything it may be classed as neglect.

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