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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Intolerant scrutiny?

26 replies

Temporary1234 · 01/12/2020 22:46

Hi all,

So I would like to know, how would you deal with intense scrutiny? Some of it founded and some of it excessive?

Let’s say for example, you write an email to a client.. and your boss just likes to change everything you do to something better. Even if it’s just fine.. and so everything Mundane you do ends up needing to be “Improved” and needs to go through them first ?

Or let’s say you offer to make a meal for the family, and while you are cooking, your SIL watches you and keeps commenting on mundane things. “Oh I notice that you are very clean and place things back in their place while cooking, I will let my mum know...” or simply “we don’t place the cloths on our tap, my mum would be surprised that you do ”.

They’re harmless comments but excessive and ... errr, really makes me feel like I’m tiptoeing to gain their approval..

Sometimes the scrutiny is founded, I’m a human with flaws and if you spend enough time watching my every move I’m sure you will catch many.. just the same as I would the other way round but I’m simply uninterested..

But I really want to know how to address this sort of scrutiny.. kindly

AIBU to think this is not within the brackets of “feedback” and rather patronising ?

OP posts:
LookDontTeuch · 01/12/2020 23:01

I don't have much advice, just observations! I spent many years (possibly still spend if I'm honest) trying to confirm to the 'norms' of my husband's family, seeking approval and never quite getting it. Feeling exactly the kind of scrutiny you describe but through 'harmless' comments which were then hard to challenge.

I have since realised that approval (and disapproval) is their currency in place of warmth, respect, love... For whatever deep-seated reasons my husband and siblings all compete for the approval of their parents, which is never offered generously and they are massively competitive with each other (something quite alien to me despite my massively dysfunctional family!). No conversation occurs without a criticism of another family member. It's controlling, and ensures nobody wanders far from their very precise ideas, opinions and values.

My slightly confrontational approach is to almost flaunt when I'm doing something they would disapprove of, as well as adopting their silly language (like 'gallivanting' Hmm) - not really practical advice but it does work a bit as it exposes them

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 01/12/2020 23:55

LookDontTeuch

Wow you sound like your situation is the exact same as mine.

Thanks for sharing your experience it’s such an insight!

I wish I had the confidence to flaunt my differences. I would never flaunt something they disapprove of but I did used to prove that I’m just different and happy with my own skin.

But it didn’t work for much longer as DH soon became the subject of scrutiny and started to expect me to help him conform in their presence to “harmless” expectations.

OP posts:
LookDontTeuch · 02/12/2020 05:52

Sounds like your husband is completely programmed to avoid the disapproval, as mines is/was (we're working on it!).

Perhaps minimising might work? Especially if followed up by something that actually matters - I'm thinking 'oh, I'm sure your mum wouldn't care less where my cloths go! Listen, how's your kids' dancing/your work going/your pregnant best friend?'

Or just consistently give a puzzled/bemused smile and say 'that's such an unusual thing to notice' or a disbelieving 'really?!' then just change the subject. Perhaps once you've responded a few times then you/your husband can raise it with them. Point out gently that it's uncomfortable and unpleasant then if they continue you can outright challenge the smallest of comments.

PigsInHeaven · 02/12/2020 06:49

I think work is an entirely different situation — if a senior colleague was continually editing my client emails I would want to take it up with him or her in case my writing was poor.

The SIL conversation sounds really odd. Wasn’t your first response to ask her why on earth her mother would have the remotest interest in whether you wash implements as you cook, or hang cloths on your taps? Does your SIL not get out much?

PirateCatQueen · 02/12/2020 07:01

“It’s such a coincidence you bring up MIL, SIL, I was just thinking you’re really starting to look like her as you age”.

Velvian · 02/12/2020 07:11

How about, "I'm sure MIL has more interesting things to think about than where I place a cloth" - followed by big laugh (hopefully making her jump) Grin

Ponoka7 · 02/12/2020 07:19

Are you from a different culture? If not, work with your husband to build his confidence and challenge them together. Ask outright why little things bother them so much.

Cultural behaviors need more tact. They need shutting down by 'this works for us/we like it this way in our house'. Keep on with the 'our house/life' lines.

The employer one needs addressing via a one-to-one, to see if your writing is of a goid enough standard.

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 02/12/2020 12:47

LookDontTeuch I really really appreciate uour approach and detailed explanation. I really can see it working in my situation. Just need to find the will to adapt my approach to that.

PigsInHeaven I’m an idiot and my response was to avoid conflict by complying. Whixh is why I’m so disappointed in myself right now and recognise this as a weakness area. Which I think they do too hence the constant poking.

PirateCatQueen :D. She would love that I think.

Velvian I might try that! Sounds like something I could easily blurt out.

Ponoka7 “we like it this way in our house”.. why didn’t I think of that? I think they would find that quite confrontational! I’m too scared to say that. But it makes perfect sense to do so. “Me and DH prefer things this way”. We are same ethnicity but they grew up in a different country so might be influenced by that ?

Deep down I wish I could just say

“Thanks for the feedback, would you like me to offer you feedback too? Let’s start with, your blouse, you made a good choice as it flatters you’re figure. But I think my mother would prefer it if it was red..” Wink

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 02/12/2020 16:52

Some great answers here 😀

We use ' your mother does xxx. That's nice. We do YYY'

My grandmother (a very long time ago) reminded my father that he was 'under new management' when he stupidly complained about the way his wife / my mother did something. Bit sexist for our time but I see what she meant.

ViciousJackdaw · 02/12/2020 17:38

Oh I notice that you are very clean and place things back in their place while cooking, I will let my mum know...

This tickled me! I'm sorry to make fun of something that quite rightly bothers you but I wouldn't have been able to resist saying 'Why, does she need her kitchen cleaning too?'

FWIW, I cannot understand why people have to pass comment on mundane and pointless crap either. With all the things that go on in this world, good and bad, dishcloth placement is of no importance. My DH tried the old 'My DM does this...' spiel. You will not be surprised to hear I told him to fuck off back there if it was that important to him.

HollowTalk · 02/12/2020 17:44

"Oh, SIL, lockdown has really affected you, hasn't it? Do you really think anyone cares where I put the dishcloths?"

JeSuisPrest · 02/12/2020 19:14

It sounds like you want to be diplomatic rather than snap "Why the hell does it bother you whether I fling my dishcloth over the tap, or run it up a flagpole whilst whistling the theme to Dallas, it's my bloody dishcloth?" so how about something like "Well, we all do things differently, the world would be pretty boring if we did everything the same way, as long as the job gets done, it doesn't really matter does it?"

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 02/12/2020 19:19

Can you lovely ladies counsel me as to why I’m always telling myself I will say something but I automatically shrug into avoidance and compliance like a little kid.. which makes her enjoy doing these things a lot more?? And makes me go about my day feeling like I’ve been shown my place in the pecking order and I almost accepted it ?

Someone give me the kick up the arse so my tongue is loosened

OP posts:
Letseatgrandma · 02/12/2020 19:19

Or let’s say you offer to make a meal for the family, and while you are cooking, your SIL watches you and keeps commenting on mundane things. “Oh I notice that you are very clean and place things back in their place while cooking, I will let my mum know

I don’t think I would be able to respond with anything other than, Hmm really?!!

user1473878824 · 02/12/2020 19:44

You’re trying to keep the peace and not make it awkward, that’s all. From now on though just smile say “oh, I do it like that.” And start talking about something else.

Monr0e · 02/12/2020 19:50

Stop spending so much time with her? The sil that is. I know it sounds simplistic but one of the perks of being a grown up is choosing who you give your time to.

And if she's coming to see dh, let him entertain her.

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 02/12/2020 20:07

user1473878824
It’s true Im defo avoiding the awkward atmosphere.

Monr0e
DH wants them to have a relationship with our kids and because he gets bullied by them to the point he can’t stand up for himself, I feel like I don’t want to give them a reason to build a relationship with the kids that excludes me.

I know it sounds controlling but it’s not, trust me. They have tried to hurt DH by being nasty to our kids.. and DH cried his eyes out but ended up believing them when they now pretend that they are “better people” and past is in the past.

I can’t move on from that. I need to mark my presence to supervise what the hell they do to my kids.

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 02/12/2020 20:19

You and DH need to get on the same page here - their relationship with him is toxic in the extreme, - and you're correct in that this is no example for your children. Stick together, be firm as others say , say this is how things are done in our house ( or something similar) and just keep repeating ad nauseum.

Brefugee · 02/12/2020 20:33

Work: if my boss were constantly trying to "improve" my work, I'd ask for a meeting to discuss exactly what was wrong with my performance.

Home: Smile. That's nice dear. And carry on. (but i did read somewhere that putting cloths on taps isn't good but i can't remember why)

ALLIS0N · 02/12/2020 20:50

DH wants them to have a relationship with our kids and because he gets bullied by them to the point he can’t stand up for himself, I feel like I don’t want to give them a reason to build a relationship with the kids that excludes me

So they are nasty intimidating bullies and your husband wants them to treat your kids the same way ? Why on earth does he want that ? Does he see them as some sort of human shield ?

“ Oh great, maybe they will bully my children instead and leave me alone”.

How can you have any respect let alone love for a man who deliberately puts his children in harm’s way ?

Original poster
Temporary1234 · 02/12/2020 22:26

Oh great, maybe they will bully my children instead and leave me alone”.

When you put it this way it made me gasp. I wish he would see it this way because fundementally that’s what’s happening.

OP posts:
ALLIS0N · 02/12/2020 22:42

Sorry to be so blunt, I don’t mean to upset you.

I have been there . My own parents were abusive to me as a child but somehow I thought they had learned from their mistakes and would be ok grandparents , if I was always there to supervise them.

I was wrong. I tried to set boundaries to protect my child but it didn’t work - they saw them as a challenge to be broken. Because of course abusers are all about control and power.

So I ended up have to go NC to protect my children.

It was hard , because of my own fear, obligation and guilt. But I’d rather deal with my own unpleasant feelings than have my kids abused. In that way it was an easy decision .

And of course I discovered that they didn’t care at all about seeing their GC, they only cared about controlling and using others.

Yes it’s sad that the children don’t have loving and caring GP ( there’s no GP still alive in the other side) . But I couldn’t make that happen - the options were manipulative and unkind Gp or none at all.

Monr0e · 03/12/2020 08:21

Anyone who treated myself or DH like shit would not be encouraged to have a relationship with my dc's.

If you do not feel able to stop contact completely start by massively reducing it at least. They have no rights over your dc's. You are their gatekeepers, if they want a relationship with them they can start by treating their parents with some respect.

Just stop bring so available

BoyTree · 03/12/2020 09:11

Honestly, I know it's hard, but can you just reduce contact? It sounds like you are very much swimming upstream and your husband is still under the thrall of people who seem to delight in slowly torturing you all. I wouldn't want my kids to spend time with someone who made me feel awful about myself, so his enthusiasm for exposing another generation to their awful undermining is probably routed in fear rather than logic or love!

LookDontTeuch · 03/12/2020 17:56

I would absolutely endorse reducing contact, too. That's what we've done. We did go NC first and it was very confrontational and difficult to manage. We decided to initiate contact, remove the animosity but not actually have contact with them. It worked. We are on talking terms and we can manage occasional contact without it being awkward but we don't actually SEE much of them.

They get to pretend that they know all about their grandchildren/nephews but we don't expose our children (too much) to their nonsense.