If you felt like a priority to your parents growing up, what is that like?

[Choosethebigbluechair]

What was that like?

I get on well with my mum but didn't grow up with her. No relationship at all with my dad. I grew up in kinship fostering with an amazing family member who sadly died when I was a young adult.

I just find it very difficult sometimes wondering what it must be like to be born to parents who actively wanted you, and prioritised your needs.

What were the best bits of your childhood?

I did have a lovely childhood in many ways, not complaining, but have these gaps where I think parents usually are, and am interested in how other people feel their close parental relationships shaped your life?

I think this is difficult to answer, as 'that is the way it always was'.
I mean, I wouldn't have ever phrased it that "I felt like a priority" but I never felt insecure or that I wasn't loved or anything.

It sounds like you have a pretty secure upbringing too, although there (presumably) will always be the question in anyone's life, that wasn't brought up b the parents, as to how they could 'give you away'.

Can you tell us more about what you feel these gaps are ?

Thanks, I've just seen this

I'm not even sure exactly how to describe those gaps! It's just a strange sensation of loss in some way, even though as I say I actually get on well with my mum and saw her at weekends and holidays growing up.

It makes me sad to admit but I suppose it's a feeling of - why did your subsequent children get to live with you but not me? Even though I know why (circumstances) my very private feeling is I am less than.

It's easier to understand about my dad. There's just a complete gap there where I won't ever understand the relationship dynamic between fathers and daughters. I can't understand it but sometimes I feel such a pang of loss. Maybe rubbish though because I don't actually have the first clue what it is I'm missing out on!

That must have been very tough for you growing up. And now. Do you have children?

I’d like to know this as well.

It’s only now as an adult that I fully appreciate how lucky I am to have always had the unconditional love of both my parents.

It's probably more common than you think. Neither DH nor I were raised by particularly 'connected' parents. His divorced and mine are still together. None of them were at all 'parental'.

Even now, in our 50s, that lack can creep up on you, especially Christmas, with all the family focus!

Op that's really hard, especially losing your kinship fosterer young.

I do have 2 loving parents, who are very supportive of me. It's a bit like a comfort blanket. It's just there, in case I need it.

Hasn't always been like this. Dm was very dysfunctional until she had masses of counselling when I was in my teens.

So I went from remote parents, who never hugged or showed emotion. Who were duty parents, but it always felt begrudging. To parents who try and over compensate now.

Families. They fuck you up.

OP, this is something I wonder as well. I was adopted as a baby and had, by all measures, a happy and comfortable childhood with my adoptive mother.

I've met my birth family. I've written about them on here before. Recently, I wrote quite a long post and then read it back the next morning and realised how much of it was a projection of how I needed them to be. Because, it is true that I had much better prospects and a much calmer, more stable childhood with my adoptive family but it is also true that my birth mother, for her many faults, was a generally good and loving mother (or at least tried to be) to my older sister and to the four children she had after I was given up for adoption.
Yet, it is easier for me to think that I am the lucky one who got out. Because it's either that or wonder why she didn't feel the same about me as she did with my siblings.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

That must have been very tough for you growing up. And now. Do you have children?

I can't have biological children of my own, which I'm trying to come to terms with. I think this is possibly making some difficult stuff come up about my own childhood.

For example, I so wanted to be a mum...But neither of my parents raised me. So perhaps that means it's actually for the best that I can't reproduce, perhaps I'd be oddly disconnected from my poor kid if I had had one.

That messes with my head and makes me feel a bit like I don't even get the right to grieve for my own childlessness

That must be hard to process that you didn’t live with your mum but her other children did. Did you feel loved/welcomed by your mum on the weekends?

I’m not sure how to describe it but it was just lovely be apart of the family and feel unconditionally loved.

OP,
I think you sound like a lovely woman whom would have made a wonderful mother.

You certainly do not have to have great parents, to be a good parent.

My parents were comfortably off and certainly we had a lovely home etc. but I never felt either particularly important or a priority.

My husband and I would do anything for our children to give them the most loving of upbringings, and are very interested in everything they do.

I think both my parents were products of their generation, however I remember some friends having parents that were very involved in their lives, and being a bit bemused by it! At the time I didn't pay any attention to the deficit.

It’s lovely. I grew up knowing that my parents will do anything for me. Literally.
No matter what I did they would love me.
They were firm in their parenting to making sure I grew up with manners, respect, good at budgeting etc.
They ensured I had lots of hobbies, paid for clubs, tutoring etc.

We had amazing days out, great birthday parties, wonderful holidays together.

I’m was/am very lucky.

OP have you explored the feelings you describe with a trained counsellor? I think the loss you may be experiencing is lack of secure attachment, I am not a professional, but it sounds like that. You could benefit hugely from so help reconnecting with the little girl you once was, and it is possible to go over those memories and put a more loving narrative there, so you are not feeling that constant sense of loss and insecurity. They have many ways of doing that. You will need to find someone that specialises in childhood trauma - and obviously with BACP etc.
Counselling per se won't address that feeling, you will just talk about it, but not fix it as such, there are therapies that will help you take care of some of the feelings.
You can also discuss your childlessness - and your feelings are perfectly valid as to your sadness op. How come anyone else in that position feel sad but not you? They would deserve love and empathy and support, but you don't even feel you are entitled to that. Your feelings are just as important as others op.

I am sorry your mother could not find a way to keep you with her, it must have been very painful and hard for you as a child. You sound amazing. Have you considered fostering yourself? Giving a child a chance of happiness and help?

@BackforGood

I think this is difficult to answer, as 'that is the way it always was'. I mean, I wouldn't have ever phrased it that "I felt like a priority" but I never felt insecure or that I wasn't loved or anything.

It sounds like you have a pretty secure upbringing too, although there (presumably) will always be the question in anyone's life, that wasn't brought up b the parents, as to how they could 'give you away'.

Can you tell us more about what you feel these gaps are ?

I agree with this. I had a secure upbringing but I didn't feel like a priority. I think parents when I was growing up in the sixties and seventies were in a way more self-orientated. When mine weren't working they wanted to spend time with their friends.

They loved me and I knew that but they didn't make much effort to actually understand me.

@Friendsoftheearth

OP have you explored the feelings you describe with a trained counsellor? I think the loss you may be experiencing is lack of secure attachment, I am not a professional, but it sounds like that. You could benefit hugely from so help reconnecting with the little girl you once was, and it is possible to go over those memories and put a more loving narrative there, so you are not feeling that constant sense of loss and insecurity. They have many ways of doing that. You will need to find someone that specialises in childhood trauma - and obviously with BACP etc. Counselling per se won't address that feeling, you will just talk about it, but not fix it as such, there are therapies that will help you take care of some of the feelings. You can also discuss your childlessness - and your feelings are perfectly valid as to your sadness op. How come anyone else in that position feel sad but not you? They would deserve love and empathy and support, but you don't even feel you are entitled to that. Your feelings are just as important as others op.

I am sorry your mother could not find a way to keep you with her, it must have been very painful and hard for you as a child. You sound amazing. Have you considered fostering yourself? Giving a child a chance of happiness and help?

I have worked out a lot of my emotional crap about my parents. Some with counselling and some by myself really! Tbh I thought I was over it but it seems I'm not fully there yet.

Thankfully because of my family member who raised me I think I'm quite secure in my attachments. Have a great DP, and some good friends who go years back.

The difficulties and sense of loss about parents are more in relation to and centred on my own childlessness. Maybe my brain trying to find reasons and make sense of why I can't have a kid of my own through pregnancy, but it's upsetting in a way.

Will be looking for a counseller in the new year, I think.