To be hurt and just want to scream

[frenchdoors]

A bit of background. We've been trying for DC2 for a while now and when I got my first positive pregnancy test, I told my mom, auntie and Nan straight away. My auntie and my nan are both very toxic people but I felt as though telling them from the start was the right thing to do. My auntie was surprisingly very happy as was my mom but my Nan just replied with 'again?' She then said 'you won't be able to cope'. I lost the baby, and then I lost another one after that. I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with my second and we're over the moon. This time, I've decided to only tell my mom in case something goes wrong again. I had my scan and all looks well so it was time to announce to the others. Everyone in DH's family was really pleased and happy for us...but my auntie and Nan were being difficult...again. My auntie replied after 3 hours and said 'Great, congrats. Good luck ;)'....and my Nan's response was 'Oh god. When?' I'm so upset. Why can't they just shut their mouths and say congratulations for the sake of not being a bitch?? I feel like we've made a mistake now and no one is actually happy that we're having another one.

You shouldn't have told them. These people don't deserve to be included in your life/news. In future I suggest you let them hear stuff from others.

Hi OP, is there some context to this? Have you been struggling to cope with your first child? Regardless, it all sounds pretty mean

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP
My grandmother (who was normally lovely) said something similar when I told her I was expecting my second. And so did some random woman at the hospital when I took my first for a developmental check.
It's just rude (in my grandmother's case, she had a very difficult labour with my mum and refused to have any more, in the days before reliable contraception, so I think she was being concerned and a bit old fashioned)
Wishing you all the best!

Congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry to hear about your previous losses.

It is wonderful news and please don’t allow a couple of miserable people to take that away from you. I think sometimes you have to tune out people being negative in your life and focus on the overwhelmingly positive and supportive reactions you’ve had to your news.

they might not be happy but you're over the moon, so who cares what they think?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy this time, look after yourself and go low/no contact with anyone who doesn't contribute to the wellbeing of you and your babies.

You have made a mistake: telling them and hoping for lovely replies. That’s understandable but fundamentally a bit foolish because these people have, I imagine, let you down for your entire life. They are no good for you.

Concentrate on the good people in your life. Your DH and your inlaws who sound nice. They are your people. They will bring good stuff to you and your babies.

It’s so hard but try to go as low contact as is possible and stop sharing your news with them. Then they can’t hurt you. You are worth a lot more than their unpleasant and unsupportive comments.

Congratulations.

I’m a bit confused. The aunty did congratulate you this time and may just have been busy. Your gran sounds mean though!

Personally I find your aunty's message ok. Your nan on the otherhand! I would ask her why she's being so bitter and unkind about it. And that if she can't say anything nice, not to say anything at all.

Just because she's older doesn't mean you have to allow her to speak to you like that. What a class A twat.

Massive congratulations!

Is there more to this op? How old are you? Do you have your own place and can you financially support your children Ie both working? Are you coping with your first?

It’s an unusual reaction unless a back story?

That’s really hard OP, I get it.

You know they’re toxic though so you can’t expect them to change, you can only change your behaviour and reaction to them.

I’d go VVLC from now on for the sake of your MH, pregnancy and family.

Does your Mum support you wholeheartedly? Is she close to them? Does she see what they’re like?

congratulations

Thank you. I've tried that before. I've tried not telling them about our wedding. It would have caused too much drama. They made no effort to get t to know him and have caused us nothing but grief so I've decided to simply not tell them. They went batshit crazy and I had to end up apologising and saying it was my bad and they were right. Saying it like this, I now realise that I'm very stupid for doing that. Everyone from my family is in another country apart from my auntie. She lives 20 minutes away from me in the same country.

I think the only issue is that I'm only 25 and they both still see me as a kid. I'm not. I have a husband, I have a child. We own our own home. We have savings of about £17K which to me is an OK amount for our age. These were all my choices. And they judged every single one of them and I've had to walk on egg shells for years. My Nan came over when DC1 was born because she believed I couldn't look after her and it was a disaster, she's caused drama with DH and most importantly, she didn't let me do ANYTHING with DC1. I've missed out on the first 2 months of giving first bath, everything..... I'm still so upset about that and that I let her treat me like that and so that to me when that was my firstborn. DH barely got to hold her the first 2 weeks. Maybe she means that, because she knows damn well that she will not be coming over this time. So she thinks that I may struggle without her help

2 months, not weeks!!

I would reply but reply to the text she should have sent. ‘Thank you, we’re over the moon!’

Is this your mother’s mum and sister? Can’t she tell them not to be such arseholes? I would be livid if anyone spoke rudely to my Dd.

Congratulations btw!

@Audreyseyebrows

I was thinking that too. Or something g along the lines of 'thanks, congratulations would have been nice too' . But I left it. She would go batshit crazy. She still messages me every Christmas to make sure that I'm going round for Christmas dinner at my aunties because 'it's rude not to and you never know when you may need her'. I'm married. I can't be going round hers for Christmas dinner and leave DH and DD to have their own at home like WTF...

Yes, they're from my mom's side. My mom says 'don't be rude, just take it on the chin' but to me they are being rude and disrespectful so why should I be nice back to them? I don't think they necessarily deserve that. For years I've shown them that it's ok for them to treat me like a door mat and it shows really.

“ most importantly, she didn't let me do ANYTHING with DC1. I've missed out on the first 2 months of giving first bath, everything..... I'm still so upset about that and that I let her treat me like that and so that to me when that was my firstborn. DH barely got to hold her the first 2 weeks.”

I feel for you OP but what you describe in the above quote is on you and your husband. I don’t understand how two adults could allow someone to ride roughshod over them in this way.

@GhostCurry no it's down to me. It's my fault. DH couldn't say anything, they both speak a different language and I asked him not to. So stupid. She eventually felt the tension when one night she came into our bedroom when DD was crying and took her from me. DH then finally snapped and went to get her back to bring her back in with us. She packed her bags and left to stay at my aunties. She basically said that DH was immature and disrespectful for doing that to her and that was the end of that.

OP your gran sounds awful. I know it’s hard when it’s a habit of a lifetime but you really need to go much lower on contact with her. She’s not even in the same country as you so you can’t let her control your feelings like this. Just stop messaging her and take longer and longer to reply to her messages. Don’t let her ruin anything with your second. Next time she says anything rude, just say “wow man, that was a very rude thing to say!” And leave her in uncomfortable silence. Your DH may also want to start sticking up for you too...

Sorry wow “nan”!

[quote frenchdoors]@GhostCurry no it's down to me. It's my fault. DH couldn't say anything, they both speak a different language and I asked him not to. So stupid. She eventually felt the tension when one night she came into our bedroom when DD was crying and took her from me. DH then finally snapped and went to get her back to bring her back in with us. She packed her bags and left to stay at my aunties. She basically said that DH was immature and disrespectful for doing that to her and that was the end of that. [/quote]
Then it really is time to cut ties with her. Is your mother supportive? Would she understand why you are going low- or no-contact with her?

“wow man, that was a very rude thing to say!” I prefer the typo

Thank you both. My mom would understand but she would also say not to cause drama or to not be disrespectful, etc.

DH has said many times to give him my phone and thy he will message them and they can easily put it into a translator. He has no filter so I've always said no for my own peace of mind. But now, I wish I'd let him do that a long time ago.

Yes, the typo looks good that way

Then you just need to step away. Seriously, stop expecting good behaviour from her.

They seem to think that you are still a child.

My mother is similar and I realised (too late) that if I didn’t put a stop to it she would treat my children the same. Imagine if they treated your children like this, would you say something? Sometimes you have to be a bit rude.

Remember this life lesson:

Not everyone is going to be happy for you.

But! Is there a backstory to this? I have to admit. I did say "Why?" to a friend a year ago when she felt pregnant again. I was happy for her but I was sad and worried about her dependency on her husband, who is abusive in every possible way and practically leaves her bare foot and pregnant.