Childcare arrangements

[chunkyrun]

Want some outside perspective. Emotions running high and can't tell if I'm right to be upset or just upset in general. 3 year old goes to ex's every weekend. We don't have a set agreement just plan around what I work usually every Saturday and Sunday daytime. Sometimes over night sometimes not and just the one day. My ex lives with his parents and they're funny about him staying over (that's another thread) any who this weekend messaged to make arrangement and he's come back saying no can't have him this Saturday as he's going out first week out of lockdown. Saturday is the day he usually has him, like I said we do not have a firm agreement in place but this is what usually happens. He says he had him last weekend Saturday night. This weekend it's my friends birthday last year she was ill with cancer and thought I was going to lose her. Have an event planned for the Saturday to celebrate with her and one other. not been out for the entire year and really want to make the day special for her Ex's response is to plan around him.

I will don my hard hat and await responses

Did he know and agree in advance or did you just assume he would have his child?

Neither of you is in the wrong per say. I think you just need to formalise up arrangements and make them less ad hoc so you can plan your "free" time.

It's a very annoying truth that you can't enforce visitation - lots of fathers deliberately do this just to piss their ex off. Countless women have to pick up the slack and change their own arrangements when let down like this. It's bloody outrageous.

Ime if exes get wind they are doing you a 'favour' (calling it babysitting not parenting their own dc) they do gain smugness ruining your plans.
Tell him it's OK you have sorted a babysitter and watch him change his mind. .. Surely you already know he is a dick op?

Surely you already know he is a dick op?

^^ I really do 😆

You need to get a court order in place with agreed contact.

Neither of you are in the wrong as nothing had previously been arranged. You need a more formal arrangement so you can make plans accordingly.

I don’t mean to be funny but I don’t think that it’s fair that you expect him to have him every weekend. In saying that, I also don’t think it’s fair that you should have him all week every week. I think you both need to sit down and come up with an arrangement that actually suits you both, so maybe he could have 1 or 2 days a week and every second weekend. It may leave you stuck for a childcare but I’m afraid what suits you may not suit him.

You need a more formal arrangement so you can make plans accordingly.

^^ yes I've not idea how to split it 🤷🏾‍♀️ will hopefully come to some kind of agreement but I can still envision him cancelling every now and then just to get a reaction

Get a babysitter, then you can meet your friend. It is unreasonable to always assume your ex will be your childcare.

I agree with the babysitter suggestion. The present arrangement isn't really fair to either of you - what if he wanted to do something at the weekend? - and you need some certainty so you can plan a night out.

Weekdays don't work, he couldn't get to nursery pick up on time and by the time he would get him home it would be bed/bath time so they wouldn't get any quality time together

Isn't bed and bath quality time ? its parenting isnt it. you may find lateryou really regret giving him every weekend - once your child is at school the week is more of a slog and the enjoyable part is the weekend.

He sounds unreasonable - but you need a clearer plan.

Also - I always always tell people - have reliable (multiple) people you can use for ad hoc childcare - neighbours/ babysitters/ local part time nannies/ local childminders who do babysitter/ teenagers who need the money.
It might not work this time as your little one will need to get to know them - but don't suspend your social life every time your ex is a dick.

I make sure that I get to know babysitters and use them so the kids get used to them BEFORE I urgently need them!