To want a bit of emotion from him right now

[Isthisnothing]

I've had a gruelling year of cancer and treatment. I was stage 4 when it was caught so
no joke. I just got the amazing news after my latest scan that it's gone. I had been torn up with anxiety at the thought of having to go through it again or worse being told there was no point.

My fiance said oh wonderful and hugged me back when I reached out for him. He went back to the TV room. I felt quite overwhelmed with it all and I was crying in the kitchen for a while. Then I returned, put the baby to bed which took a while. My phone kept buzzing with excited messages from my family and friends. The baby wouldn't settle, my mind was whirring reflecting on the truly awful year it's been and how I can actually plan for the future now. I wanted to go downstairs and be with my partner.

When the baby fell asleep I was on my way downstairs when I heard DP come up. He just said goodnight and he would see me later. I felt so hurt and angry. He seemed completely nonplussed.

I felt so let down. I don't know what it is that I wanted from him - I didn't need to hear the champagne cork popping but I wanted to see some emotion or excitement, a feeling we are in it together, some genuine joy. Not the same but when he was out of work and really stressed and down, I was overjoyed for him when he got offered a great job because I knew what being out of work for a long period and constant rejections had done to his self esteem.

YABU - it's the big stuff that matters, he was there for me when I was sick, a few cheers and high fives are irrelevant
YANBU - if he's not excited about this, what does that say

It's odd behaviour tbh.

I'm trying to remember DH reaction when I got a BRCA negative diagnosis. I had text him on the way home but I remember nothing being tearful with relief and our relationship wasn't even in a good phase at the time.

Firstly, congratulations on your news.

That is an odd reaction. I would also be hurt and confused by this.

The kind assessment: he may be someone who struggles to express emotion. He has presumably been through the mill emotionally and feared the worst and if he is someone who struggles processing this and a lot of men are it may be that he has just shut it out. He may not want to get his hopes up.

That said, even taking this into account, the way he said goodnight etc was cold, given what's happened.

How is your relationship generally? Is he someone who has the emotional range to deal with situations like this or has he always been reserved?

I would be inclined to give it a couple of days and see how his reaction develops. If you still feel after this that he's nonplussed by it tell him and see how he reacts.

Is it possible he was overcome but wanted some time alone to reflect or let the news settle in?

It does seem odd. If he has been a responsive and supportive partner other than that though I’d wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Sounds like you’ve had a bloody hard year. Glad to got good news xxx

Congratulations on the great news!
Now you’re ok, he might be facing the fact he could have lost you. Before this he’s been practical... focus on the next step, next appointment. Don’t think too hard or too long. We are all different and he has been part of the cancer journey too. If he’s generally ok, See what tomorrow brings op.

I can't really explain it but when I was upstairs settling our daughter I had a feeling he might react like this. I considered staying up in bed with the baby because I was afraid he would just be watching the news and not even remark.

He is kind, reliable, trustworthy... But I don't think he had any strong feelings about this.

I told him I was upset, that his complete lack of reaction was ridiculous. He started arguing that he was tired and I told him to leave me alone, that I didn't want my excitement further dampened. I think he's up in the spare room, he said he's going there and I hope he has.

I considered staying up in bed with the baby because I was afraid he would just be watching the news and not even remark.

OK: so you anticipated he would be nonplussed by this: what made you think this?

Has he been supportive throughout your treatment? What makes you suspect that your fiance - who should be your closest supporter -- would have this kind of reaction to learning his partner is free from cancer?

Unless you are in a particularly overwrought and irrational state and no one could blame you if you were that isn't a good sign.

I think context is important here. Does he express much emotion generally?

@AIMD

Is it possible he was overcome but wanted some time alone to reflect or let the news settle in?

It does seem odd. If he has been a responsive and supportive partner other than that though I’d wait and see what tomorrow brings.

Sounds like you’ve had a bloody hard year. Glad to got good news xxx

Honestly I don't think he's given it much thought, I think his mind is elsewhere. There is drama going on with his family. But there is always drama going on with his family and I am always supporting that way. I would have liked something coming my way.

I got the call out of the blue. I didn't think I would have news till my appointment tomorrow. He had insisted he would be driving me even though I told him it wasn't necessary (I have to go in alone) so I wouldn't have to be alone afterwards. So maybe I am being unfair here.

Sorry x posted

"He is kind, reliable, trustworthy... But I don't think he had any strong feelings about this."

That is, objectively, quite strange. If he has emotions but doeant show them then that's one thing but if you really think that he doesn't actually have any feelings about whether you survive cancer or not...either because of his feelings for you, his feelings for himself or his feelings for what it means for your baby and the effect on them of knowing their mother then that's just bizarre.

Saying that again it depends on how he normally is. I am someone who takes a while to process things, good or bad news and I'm almost in shock while my brain processes it, it's often only the next day I can articulate how I'm feeling. Sometimes also people hold all their emotions in while they have something practical to focus on and then when whatever has been going on is over...they realise how deflated they feel and how drained because they've spent all their energy trying to hold it together for so long it's almost an anti climax when its over (I know that sounds mad and I'm not suggesting that your results are anything less than amazing)

I mean... up to a point that's sort of understandable: many men express support and love in practical ways and find this easier than emotional connection.

But this is quite telling:

He is kind, reliable, trustworthy... But I don't think he had any strong feelings about this.

However reserved or repressed he is, he should have strong feelings about his fiancé getting the all clear from cancer. I don't know what his "family drama" is but its hard to see how that could be equivalent to his partner having a life-threatening illness.

If he hasn't had strong feelings about this, have you asked him why?

Congratulations on the fantastic news!

I have to say, I find his reaction very odd and can't really think of an explanation. Shock possibly? But still, I can't imagine reacting to such amazing news in that way. Do you think you'll try and broach it with him?

@thepeopleversuswork

I considered staying up in bed with the baby because I was afraid he would just be watching the news and not even remark.

OK: so you anticipated he would be nonplussed by this: what made you think this?

Has he been supportive throughout your treatment? What makes you suspect that your fiance - who should be your closest supporter -- would have this kind of reaction to learning his partner is free from cancer?

Unless you are in a particularly overwrought and irrational state and no one could blame you if you were that isn't a good sign.

It's hard to explain but sometimes he doesn't know what's needed or expected of him - eg. When his brother messaged to say he was sick and isolating he didn't seem to realise his brother wanted to hear something nice from him.

Overall he was supportive through my treatment taking me to all my appointments but there were definitely times I felt that he was exasperated or that I had to justify how sick I was feeling. My treatment was very intense. Sometimes I had to phone the hospital in the middle of the night to inform them of my symptoms - after the consultation they always made me come in. I had pneumonia / infections and would end up on a drip for days. It maddened me that in my weakened, fevered state I would also have to convince him it wasn't just 'a bug' or i wasn't just hot because the room was.

I think it might be unfair of me though to be ruminating on those incidents as I am not exaggerating when I say that things were really piling up on us stresswise and he was trying hard to hold it together.

No I definitely wasn't overwrought.

I would have loved some acknowledgement of everything I've been through or something. It was a serious anticlimax. My mother behaves like that too - no congrats when I was pregnant, engaged, got qualified - although she does support me in a steady way.

Isthisnothing

So it sounds as if he is one of these people who for whatever reason finds providing emotional support seriously challenging and traumatic. That must have been incredibly tough for you, given what you've been through. I would also be upset and quite angry, I think.

In his defence, it must have been incredibly stressful for him too and he had the burden of not being "entitled" to feel bad or sorry for himself. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all here but I think he must have felt very burdened by the fact that he was expected to be providing constant support.

Firstly I wouldn't do anything rash in the next few days or weeks -- you have to put yourself first and focus on your recovery. I guess what you have to unpick after this is whether you think he is a person who really struggles with emotion and needs some time to recover, or whether you think he is fundamentally selfish and incapable of providing you with the support you need.

Has he been like this in other crisis situations?

Once the initial reaction has calmed down, I'd take some time to calmly and in a non-accusatory fashion tell him how this made you feel and see if he acknowledges this or brushes it under the carpet. If there's some acknowledgement or recognition that he behaved like this you may find counselling will help -- you will probably have it anyway but it sounds as if he could benefit. If not, is this someone you really want to marry?

I don't blame you for being angry and questioning whether he can support you in the way you need and deserve. I'm glad you have other supportive people around you.

Three words. Men are weird.

You say you expected this. Is this how he deals with everything?

@Wheresmykimchi

Three words. Men are weird.

You say you expected this. Is this how he deals with everything?

He can really miss the point on things, yes.

I remember when I found out I was pregnant I was swinging from the rafters with happiness. This was a much hoped for baby by both of us by the way. But he didn't really react. I was determined that he was not going to ruin my elation. I remember about a week later letting rip at him that just because it was not his first time (DCs from previous marriage) did not give him the right to ruin it for me. He stepped up then but I resented having to lay it out in black and white that I wanted a small fuss.

I feel like that now, actually furious. Someone in asked upstream what sort of family dramas could be more important than this. It is close enough to this actually. It often is. We had spent the earlier part of the evening trying to pick apart that and seeing is there a way we could travel safely (we are not in the UK and restrictions have loosened for us).

Now I feel like telling them all to go jump - he can go on his own. I was on video chat prior to getting my medical update, i explained to them that I was very anxious awaiting scan results and I didn't even get a cursory good luck. They are selfish people who treat him badly and I've always felt really protective of him within that environment. He's not like them and thankfully we live in another country. But I do think sometimes he's clueless as a result of the environment he grew up in.

Sounds exactly like my DH. The more important, joyful/overwhelming the news the less of a reaction I'll get! But minor stuff like Ireland getting a try in the rugby can get shouting and jumping up and down it's not that he doesn't care - I don't know why but it's just the way he is - but I learned long ago just to do my thing and not to let him kill my buzz with his lack of reaction.

We are all excited for you!! And I'm sure DH is unbelievably relieved, just fucking awful at showing it

He sounds like my DH in the years we've been together not once has he expressed anything beyond a smile, no jumping, shouting, crying in excitement etc. He rarely laughs out loud.

He just keeps it all in and it just sucks the joy out of everything, but if I ask him and he's perfectly happy in his own world, he'll say "yes I'm excited" but his face, body language doesn't show it at all.

I'm so so used to it just being him, he's not a bad person. But I just have lots of friends for the exciting stuff and he's the stable solid plodding through life person.

Oh and amazing news

Thanks everyone for your replies and well wishes.

Congratulations op . That's amazing news.

He had insisted he would be driving me even though I told him it wasn't necessary (I have to go in alone) so I wouldn't have to be alone afterwards. So maybe I am being unfair here.

I think actions are ultimately more important than words but I can understand your disappointment. I was going to suggest that he perhaps daren't celebrate until you hear your news "officially" from the hospital, but it sounds like he doesn't show emotion over anything much.

I don't know, men are really strange. I don't understand them except I know they compartmentalize easily .

What is more worrying from your posts op is the way he tried to minimise your symptoms when you were going through treatment. You shouldn't have had to battle with him over that.

And you say he's not like his family who are selfish, who didn't even wish you a cursory "good luck" but are you sure?

Thanks for your replies and well wishes everyone. We had a big chat this morning, lots of tears. I don't think he's selfish like his family no, I think he sometimes does not hear what people are saying or understand what people need.