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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Talking to ow again?

36 replies

Freshprincess12 · 30/11/2020 15:05

Long time lurker. Old username is not working.

Bit of history: dh had a text/emotional affair (?) With female colleague from work over a year ago now. As far as Im aware nothing physical happened. This was ocnfirmed by texts I had seen before I confronted him, perhaps if I didnt there would have been.....
Weirdly a few months after, they had a big spat at work which led to her complaining to the SLT about him. They held a mediation meeting where they had to apologise to each other. After that, tey never spoke.
Fast forward to lockdown....ow had a significant operation she wasnt present in any of the online virtual meetings. Meanwhilst, I gave birth to our third child in Oct..Dh had some time off for this and I got the feeling he wasnt happy....postpartum man blues maybe? Who knows? But Ive had a niggling feeling he didnt really wang third child. He seems distant and detached.
Last week, I was picking second dc up from preschool, when I walked in I could her dh on phone. He like many others is working from home. For some reason, I had a feeling he was talking to this ow. Something about his voicex way he spoke. He seemed very friendly. Laughing and joking about something theyre working on. God knows why I thought it but usually they say rely on instinct. Anyway, it was confirmed it was the ow. I was very upset..one because I didnt think they spoke at work, two because he didnt tell me straight away..I asked him outright.
I stated he did seem verybfriendly with her which he denied. I asked how she was with him and he said shes ok.
She actually contributed to the gifts his team got him from his work which he seemed shocked at, maybe because of that falling out.
Anyway, I have a suspicion she is back at work - dh is allowed back into the office two days a week for now. Only a few people are, as they are very strict..I asked him and he said no he doesnt think she will be back for a long time as she has a few health issues (nothing thats on the clincally vulnerable lists though)
I have a niggling feeling he may be lying and perhaps theyve rekindled their friendship or whatever it was since hes been allowed back kn the office as this is when ive noticed him being very distant...this is how he was last time when I discovered the EA.
Hes only been allowed back in from last week btw.
AIBU to think he is lying to me? Should I try to confront him more or trust him?

OP posts:
Freshprincess12 · 30/11/2020 16:57

@Amira19

I already knew for months while they were texting. I ended up confronting him and her..I txt and rang her but she never replied. So it cant be that as she already knew I knew and she didnt like thenfact I had her number ..i recall that from a txt she sent him.and saying "I cant be dealing with this shit"
She probably hoped dh would tell me.to delete her number or tell me to stop txting but he never did.

Also, I fell pregnant after that all came out in January. He only told work at the start of lockdown in March so she wouldnt have known. He didnt go into work since March, hes only jjst been allowe to go in twice a week..so been WFH for 7 months!

OP posts:
Freshprincess12 · 30/11/2020 16:59

@Amira19
To try for a baby? Noones I fell pregnant by accident. Had no idea til Inwas 8 weeks gone. Had changed contraception which im blaming it on..dh and his family actually always wanted me to have another..I never did..ive never really been maternal.

OP posts:
Hoghedge10 · 30/11/2020 17:07

It seems like you are seeking answers from us hoping to get the answers you desperately want from your husband.

We can't answer if you are missing something. Same thing as you'll never really know what went on. If someone lies to you and wants to continue to lie to you then you'll never get the truth, unless you happen to find some evidence by luck and they come clean, but then that depends on hiw much damage limitation they do with the 'truth' and in the meantime it will drive you mad.

I know you're hurting and confused but nobody can give you the answers you need and the only one who can won't.

You either live like this, constantly looking for evidence and watching his every mood, wondering why he is behaving the way he is or you tell him its over and let him continue to behave like he is being led by his cock. It will be hard to begin with but do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

AlrightTreacle · 30/11/2020 17:07

Sounds like they had a lovers tiff. Surely the only reason for management separating them at work would be because of an inappropriate relationship, or actual aggression?

Zoolally · 30/11/2020 17:11

@Hoghedge10

It seems like you are seeking answers from us hoping to get the answers you desperately want from your husband.

We can't answer if you are missing something. Same thing as you'll never really know what went on. If someone lies to you and wants to continue to lie to you then you'll never get the truth, unless you happen to find some evidence by luck and they come clean, but then that depends on hiw much damage limitation they do with the 'truth' and in the meantime it will drive you mad.

I know you're hurting and confused but nobody can give you the answers you need and the only one who can won't.

You either live like this, constantly looking for evidence and watching his every mood, wondering why he is behaving the way he is or you tell him its over and let him continue to behave like he is being led by his cock. It will be hard to begin with but do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

Sorry op, I agree with this. You’re never going to know the full story and you have to decide if that’s something you can live with. Is this really how to want to spend your life? You don’t trust him and you know the saying, if the trust is gone.......
Iwonder08 · 30/11/2020 17:26

He should change jobs or you will never trust him

jacks11 · 30/11/2020 17:29

Regardless of whether he is having an affair, your marriage is in trouble. Even if he is innocent, you haven’t worked through it together and you clearly don’t trust him. I understand why you have doubts, but you decided to stay and try again- so you either decide to take a leap of faith and trust him or ask him about it. Leaving the suspicion to fester does nobody- least of all you- any favours. The only other option is to call it a day as you can’t move past it.

Do they have a choice about working together? If not, it is inevitable that they will speak and probably better that they aren’t at each other’s throats/on vaguely good terms in terms of keeping his employers happy. If you can’t make peace with him talking/seeing her, then you either ask him to find an alternative employer or leave him.

Even if there is nothing to it- and I’m not convinced you’ve got a huge amount to go on (which is not to say you are wrong, just that what you’ve outlined is not really proof or anything close to it)- your marriage is clearly in need of some work. If that’s what you want, as you may just feel it’s run it’s course and you want out. A new baby can put strain on any marriage, it’s doubly hard in a rocky one.

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 30/11/2020 18:30

I think there is a lot more to this and something isn’t adding up..

He needs to get a new job away from ow otherwise your going to be constantly worrying and on edge

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 30/11/2020 18:31

Ultimately though he has clearly checked out so I’d be making sure you have everything in place so you will be ok if he leaves/ you have enough and kick him out

Freshprincess12 · 30/11/2020 20:40

@ForTheLoveOfCatFood

What do you think has gone on?
Like the saying goes, love is blind. What are everyones opinions?
I am only going off the phonecalls and emails. She did accuse him of being aggressive to her but I have no idea how it all came about.

OP posts:
UsernameSpoosername · 30/11/2020 20:50

ASK.
YOUR.
DICKWAD.
HUSBAND.

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