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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU: too ECV to see since March, but fine to spend Christmas day with??

17 replies

WartyWorry · 30/11/2020 11:50

PIL used to provide childcare 2 days per week for dd3 up until it became clear she had severe developmental delay and I gave up work to look after her (last December). Lockdown happened, and as one of PIL is ECV we've barely seen them since. That's fine, understandable.

However, they've made no effort to see or speak to us or the kids. In the first lockdown I would help them get shopping slots and deliver anything they couldn't get, ask how they were etc. They never asked after us, just moaned about GMIL. It's been a really tough year for us, trying to access services for DD, dealing with her problems and they've not been a support at all.

DH has just mentioned in passing about how PIL are putting together DCs Christmas presents so they can play there on Christmas day. I said he must surely be mistaken - PIL are still ECV so why would we be going there at Christmas? Apparently it's ok with PIL.

But it's not ok with me. I think they are either so vulnerable they can't see us full stop, or they're not. I'm fine with them not wanting to take the risk of seeing DC (and us), but this picking and choosing upsets me. So they're not bothered about being part of our lives all year, but we can play happy families at Christmas??

I may well be BU, but I'm really hurt by their lack of interest this year. I feel like since DDs problems became apparent they don't want to know, because she's 'defective.' To clarify, I think shes wonderful, but clearly PIL don't Sad

So AIBU?

OP posts:
WartyWorry · 30/11/2020 14:57

Bump

OP posts:
Sparrow91 · 30/11/2020 15:10

YANBU, I totally agree with you and can only imagine how frustrating it is for you and DD. They can’t have it both ways 🤷🏼‍♀️

What is DH’s POV?

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 30/11/2020 15:11

Have they said that she is defective? If so I wouldn't be seeing them ever again!

WorraLiberty · 30/11/2020 15:15

I'm sorry, what does ECV mean?

All Google is telling me is something about breech babies and alarm systems.

Spidey66 · 30/11/2020 15:18

ECV-extremely clinically vulnerable. I had to ask on another post, and I'm a nurse (albeit in mental health so not dealing directly with covid19).

WartyWorry · 30/11/2020 15:18

@WorraLiberty

I'm sorry, what does ECV mean?

All Google is telling me is something about breech babies and alarm systems.

Sorry, it's extremely clinically vulnerable (to coronavirus).

They haven't said she's defective but their attitude definitely changed towards DD, and I can't help but feel that their lack of engagement has been due to them backing off once it became clear that DD has difficulties

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/11/2020 15:22

Ahh thanks. I guessed the 'vulnerable' bit but wasn't sure about the rest.

What did your DH say to them?

PercyPiginaWig · 30/11/2020 15:29

As an aside the government advice calls it clinically extremely vulnerable, a member of my household has received an updated letter and guidance.
It does say "You can choose to be part of a Christmas bubble if you are clinically extremely vulnerable, but it does involve greater risks for you as you will be increasing the number of people you have contact with."

OP you need to find out if it's true that PILs are no longer interested in DD due to her difficulties (which is really shit), or don't know how to behave (which is quite shit but can be overcome).
Or are they genuinely worried but because they've received "official" advice stating that they can see people that they feel like they are making an allowance within the rules.
What does your DH think? He must have noticed.
If they're just not interested in her as a person any more that is really sad. But there is a chance you're misinterpreting their actions so a bit of clear communication is needed.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 30/11/2020 15:48

When my pil made it clear they weren't interested in our dc we backed away. Yanbu to do the same imo.
Your ils have started the process already - makes it easier for you to continue..

ComDummings · 30/11/2020 15:50

YANBU at all

WartyWorry · 30/11/2020 15:51

@PercyPiginaWig

As an aside the government advice calls it clinically extremely vulnerable, a member of my household has received an updated letter and guidance. It does say "You can choose to be part of a Christmas bubble if you are clinically extremely vulnerable, but it does involve greater risks for you as you will be increasing the number of people you have contact with."

OP you need to find out if it's true that PILs are no longer interested in DD due to her difficulties (which is really shit), or don't know how to behave (which is quite shit but can be overcome).
Or are they genuinely worried but because they've received "official" advice stating that they can see people that they feel like they are making an allowance within the rules.
What does your DH think? He must have noticed.
If they're just not interested in her as a person any more that is really sad. But there is a chance you're misinterpreting their actions so a bit of clear communication is needed.

Thank you. I'm not really sure how to find out without asking outright, which of course they'd deny...
OP posts:
IrkedEssex · 30/11/2020 15:56

Is it possible that they've misunderstood the rules and thought they should essentially shield themselves? But now with all the publicity over Christmas bubbles they realise it is legal (whether or not sensible) and do actually want some family time?

Freddiefox · 30/11/2020 16:34

I don’t think you should jump to the conclusion that they have stepped back because of dd. However I would be phoning them and asking what difference it’s makes whether it’s Christmas or November in regard to the virus and ECV.

Be logical with them, it’s either a problem or not. A family of mine is ECV and they are staying home, not Been out since March, but it took a lot of soul searching for them to come to the conclusion. I didn’t get it either, but I can’t imagine how sad it much feel for them not to be able to see family.

cactusisblooming · 30/11/2020 17:04

I think you might be projecting your anger/worry over your dd's issues onto your PIL. They have obviously bought thoughtful presents that they are assembling now, so it doesn't sound like it's a case of them not caring, they are eager to see her. The government guidelines haven't always been clear and it sounds as if they are looking forward to heeding the 5 day Christmas exemption.

What sort of support were you hoping for regarding your dd's issues? Your PILs might not know what to do or say for the best. They have been good to you and your dd in the past and I think YABU to accuse them of seeing her as 'defective' because they were adhering to government guidelines.

WartyWorry · 30/11/2020 17:31

@cactusisblooming

I think you might be projecting your anger/worry over your dd's issues onto your PIL. They have obviously bought thoughtful presents that they are assembling now, so it doesn't sound like it's a case of them not caring, they are eager to see her. The government guidelines haven't always been clear and it sounds as if they are looking forward to heeding the 5 day Christmas exemption.

What sort of support were you hoping for regarding your dd's issues? Your PILs might not know what to do or say for the best. They have been good to you and your dd in the past and I think YABU to accuse them of seeing her as 'defective' because they were adhering to government guidelines.

Hmmm, maybe taking an interest? Asking about appointments or how she is?? Don't think that's a lot to ask.

Sorry for sounding snippy, they were a lot more involved before we knew she had problems. They stopped doing childcare in November and made no effort since then. Obviously that was 4 months before lockdown.

Maybe I am projecting, but they've certainly given me no reason to assume otherwise.

OP posts:
Whattheactual20201 · 30/11/2020 18:06

Well the government think the same
My Dd is ECV “ do not leave you house “ that’s what we were told so that’s what we did but now the government things it’s fine for ECV to go to work and school and mix over Xmas.

PercyPiginaWig · 30/11/2020 18:08

I guess I meant ask an open question, or get DH to do so.
So not "we think you're avoiding DD because of her difficulties" but more along the lines of "you haven't asked much about DD and her appointments, you can ask how things are going" or asking them about why now. DH will probably know best how to approach them.

I'm really not saying you're wrong, but as devil's advocate you said can't help but feel that their lack of engagement has been due to them backing off once it became clear that DD has difficulties.

And the fact that childcare stopped in November could also be logical enough because you stopped work to look after DD, presumably eliminating the need for childcare from them.

That said I'd expect that they might still offer occasionally in case you have an appointment or things to do, but it's possible they feel inexperienced in dealing with whatever your DD needs, although if they had been looking after her previously not sure what would have changed. But once there is a label some people don't know how to react.

It could well be that vulnerability is a conventient excuse for them but if it is a combination of factors, and they love your DD but are a bit unsure of how to behave it would be a shame for the overall relationship to break down.
If they want to be more like the grandparent equivalent of Disney Dads that's something for you and your DH to figure out what is best for your DD and then consider the adults. So your DD might not end up with the grandparents you hoped she'd have but if (and only if) the revised relationship is still in her best interests then don't burn your bridges just yet. You never know when you might need childcare in future if you're unwell or something.
It might be that going there for some time at Christmas means your fears are proven to be unfounded, or proven to be true. I hope it's the former but if not there will be others who've been through it. 💐

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