AIBU or is this messed up?

[Felicius15]

When I was young I had an aunt and uncle, both have since passed away. They were together for years, never married, no children of their own. I always liked both of them but there was something strange about my uncle that I could never put my finger on. Things like he would never be at big family celebrations like Christmas and if I asked questions about him I was never given a straight answer. I’ve since found out that he was married to another woman and had a daughter who was older than my aunt. He lived between the 2 houses and both women were fully aware of the situation although neither were happy with it.

He and my aunt used to take me on holiday with them and on days out, so they could “play happy families and pretend I was their own child” according to my mum. AIBU to feel disgusted that I was used in this way as a child? Happy to be told that I am, it just doesn’t sit right with me.

He and my aunt used to take me on holiday with them and on days out, so they could “play happy families and pretend I was their own child” according to my mum.

They enjoyed your company. I doubt they were really pretending you were their child. Maybe just the way your Mum phrased it?

I thought you were building up to an abuse story, not a holiday. YABU

Sounds to me that this is just rationalising a very unusual situation. Presumably all concerned were pretty unhappy in their own way and if you enjoyed it at the time then I would just treat the comment about their playing happy families as a snide one from your mother. It sounds like your aunt at least was just trying very hard to be happy with her lot. Can't be easy having fallen for a married man and being in that circumstance either at a time when divorce or other alternative style relationships was a lot less accepted. Be proud that your aunt made the best of a situation she found hard and was a strong woman.

It is a fucked up situation for everyone involved.

However if that's true, why did your mum let you go(especially since it's obvious she disapproved of the situation) and let you "be used" like that?

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here.
What jumped out for me at that story was how massively sorry I feel for your aunty..
You're looking at your 'bit' the wrong way round. Your aunt and uncle took you on days out and holidays and you had a nice time. I think it's just the way your mum phrased it.
Yabu, your post is all about how you feel, and no sympathy towards your aunty.

YANBU. You’ve found out that what you believed about your family was not true and the truth quite seedy and unpleasant. That’s not a nice feeling.

It’s worse because of how you were used in it too. I totally understand where you’re coming from.

I think there’s nothing weird about it and this is a pretty awful way to talk about your dead relatives.

@Felicius15 I’d maybe ask for this to be moved to relationships as you’ll get answers from people who understand rather than usual AIBU stuff

I think you are actually quite heartless to make this into something so negative. You said you liked them, they clearly cared a lot for you, enjoyed being with you and looked after you. You don't know what sadness being childless may have brought, the actual reason behind their difficult situation. You need to be more mature about it and they deserve your respect.

@papaelf

You think OP is being unreasonable because you jumped the gun?

Tbh OP, it’s a strange situation and probably unusual. YANBU to find it weird.

[quote isthistheendoftheworld]@papaelf

You think OP is being unreasonable because you jumped the gun?

Tbh OP, it’s a strange situation and probably unusual. YANBU to find it weird.[/quote]

No; I think she is BU because she came to no harm. She went on holiday. The way the post was written absolutely came across as a build up to something bad.

Your mum has put a negative spin on it. Your aunt took you on holiday and spent time with you. She couldn’t have her own children so put her energy into her relationship with you and getting joy out of spending time with you.

I wonder if any of the women on mumsnet who have not been able to have children would agree that spending time with the children of friends and family and enjoying that is ‘using’ the children?!

Ime of a creepy uncle is one who waits until you are mid 20's and admits he is in love with you.
Grim.
Ime.

You’re looking for something to be distressed or angry about.
It’s an unusual situation but one rather suspects misinterpreted through the eyes of a disapproving relative.
It sounds like he was continuing to support his earlier family rather than anything sinister.

You weren’t ‘used’ you were given holidays.

Get a grip op your not a victim. You were loved and taken on holidays. This is so insulting not only to your relatives but to all those people that come on here and talk about the abuse they have survived.

Thanks everyone, I realise IABU. I do look back with happy memories of both of them, I think I’m still in shock that he wasn’t the great man I thought he was and I feel a sense of loss around that.

He and my aunt used to take me on holiday with them and on days out, so they could “play happy families and pretend I was their own child” according to my mum.

I’d be interested in how they characterised it. It sounds like they were just a very involved aunt and uncle to me and your mum wasn’t all that keen on them.

Some people just can’t do anything right. Too involved and they’re pretending you’re their kid. Not involved enough and they’re child haters.

Tbh it wasn't that uncommon when divorce was frowned upon. People made the best of their situation. If your Aunt was infertile then that alone could have meant failed marriage after failed marriage. Not producing children was considered good grounds for divorce. In the 70's I now realise that I knew a few parents of my friends with second families. Tbere were also separations that was put down to the grandparent needing looking after.

It was different times and even your Aunt being a lot younger wouldn't have been considered strange.

I know what you mean about souring a memory. After my Uncle's death the family found out that he had other children younger and older than them. My Cousins search for them but never found them and it's tainted things for them.

I always think that it doesn't do to look at the past with today's values. Attitudes shift and things change. People are products of the time etc.

Did you enjoy the holidays? Were you well treated?
If so then I think you are being a bit dramatic about something that doesn’t affect you in the slightest

I guess at least they looked after and cared for you, despite the messed up situation.

OP, why do you say he wasn't the 'great man' you thought he was? I think it's very wrong to be so judgemental. He may have been doing his very best by all concerned and loving and looking after everyone in very difficult circumstances, that came about for reasons that have nothing to do with you and may have been entirely innocent.

He was clearly not a great man as he was shagging two women, neither of whom were happy.

And presenting a false front of being a jolly good chap.

It would knock your sense of judgement and the fake happy families stuff would be horrible to find out.