Dd and her grandma ( gm unreasonable? )

[Theladybugstars]

When we had dd we gave her my ex's surname we had been together for 7 years and didn't for one minute think we never get married, anyway ever since dd was born ex mil has always had a bee in her bonnet got nasty if things weren't going her way, very jealous and the jealousy got quite ugly a lot of mine and ex's problems were caused my ex mil and I believe we split because of her. one day ex told me he was going to propose but didn't because things weren't right so about a year later we changed dd name by deed poll so she has my name as a last name so both our names but his then mine ( I'll be the one doing the school runs etc and personally think it's important to have my name too ) he signed the forms and all is well. Fast forward to a few years later ( now ) ex mil phones to speak with dd and she says hello is that ..... then just her dads surname when I picked her up on it and said actually her names .... ... .... she said oh yes but that's too much for me to remember !
Aibu or is that a bit wrong ? I think she does it to get at me and also I don't want dd getting confused ( she's 3 years ) she got extremely funny when his brothers ex called her dd her surname instead of their family name so I can see that it was malicious when she did it, not sure if I'm being silly or if she is being unreasonable

The surnames aren't double barrelled either so when we have a letter from the doctor Its usually just got her first name and last name ( last name being my surname )

Yes she is unreasonable but honestly, just let it go. Its not worth you letting her get to you. Rise above it. Shes probably doing it to get at you, don't give her the satisfaction.

I think it all sounds childish from both sides. You clearly don't like the woman so if I were you I would be a grown up about it and not stoop to her level.

It's not that I don't like her, she caused a lot of issues between me and ex and I feel she's using dd who is completely innocent in all this to get at me, not sure how I'm being childish in this thou to be honest I've put up with a hell of a lot of crap from her and don't want my dd confused and for his family to call her by a name that isn't her proper surname

But your right I'm defo not stooping to her level, I'm

Ahh pressed sent too soon, don't want to stoop to her level just don't want her using dd like that

I don't think any of my children's grandparents have ever used my children's surnames verbally. They put it on the envelope of birthday cards etc. Tell her (nicely) it doesn't matter if she can't get it right, how many children called [DD's first name] live at your address?

But..... you gave her the paternal family surname on her birth certificate. So that side of the family know her as that, deed of name change or not. She probably thinks ‘if it was good enough then.....’ and that you could have added YOUR surname as a middle name. To her, it might be viewing it as you pushing her dad out.
I think if this is such an issue, are you all mature enough to be looking after a child?? Both you and mil.

Honestly I’m with the others. The 3 year old won’t care about a specific surname being used, just her forename.

Why would she call her DGD by her surname over the phone? She’s just trying to make a point and cause trouble imo.

She's using the surname to make a point. I'd have replied "you can't remember your granddaughters name?" And called your daughter down to talk to her before she could reply.

ask her if she may have dementia, or sympathise patronisingly with "yes, it it must be so hard remembering names at your age"

Why would she use a surname when talking on the phone? She is clearly trying to make a point

If she’s that toxic she shouldn’t be in your daughters life really. She won’t notice her behaviour at this age but when she’s older she will.
I wouldn’t tolerate it at all.

I’d gently suggest a visit to the gp if she can’t remember her granddaughter’s name.

If she rings and asks to speak with your dd again using only your ex name hang up. She sounds a petty and toxic bitch.

Thankyou for your replies, I too think it's done on purpose, she knew me for over 10 years so knew my surname and also 100% knows about us changing her name, I've always felt there was something she was trying to achieve because she would always have little comments here and there and then say I was too sensitive or took it the wrong way!

I would try to ignore it. Your daughter will come to decide what she wants to be called, and may well try out all sorts of combinations first. As she grows up she may be the one correcting others when they miss out part of her name!

It's irritating but of no consequence really. My kids have both our surnames (I'm married but kept my own name ) but my mum persists in sending them birthday cards etc addressed to them with just their dad's surname as she thinks this is right and proper. She seems genuinely worried that people might think they are illegitimate (shock, horror! Seriously who cares these days?) I don't rise to it.

Well done for getting the deed sorted and adding your name!

Why is a 3 yr old answering a phone? Just answer it yourself or let it go to voicemail. Send her the occasional photo or video of your dd.
At 3, most kids don’t know their own surnames, as soon as they start school that changes. She won’t get confused by her grandma, she’ll just think grandma is wrong!!

She didn't answer the phone, when the phone was passed to dd her grandma then said hello is that .......
I'm concerned dd will think I'm wrong for giving her my name on the end and I think mil will do her best to point that out to her and make her feel that way

I think the best thing I can do is ignore her, saying that she will probably carry on until she gets a reaction, her loss as we were quite close before she started being funny with me, thank you for the replies it's good to know others think the same xx

My daughter has a double barrelled surname. My husband and I kept our names and gave them both to her. My family think it's great, his family hate it (but they also hate me and any decision we make that isn't pre-approved by them. Pretty sure they don't like her first name either). You can't please everyone. Sounds like she's been a right cow for a long time and if I were you I'd ignore it and just enjoy the fact that it annoys her - that's what I do!

Thankyou for your reply, I quite like your idea of just enjoy it annoys her, much less energy to waste doing that! I might take that way of thinking next time - because there will be a next time she's got a bee in her bonnet !