Do I get them a gift or not?

[BloodyColdEgg]

I'll try and keep it brief... DH has fallen out with his parents. There's a lot of backstory and I won't go into the whole thing here, just that I can see both sides and I don't think either is necessarily completely unreasonable or reasonable.

I am very close to my MIL and so far have just kept out of it as best I can other than being a listening ear for DH. DH doesn't mind at all that I still speak to his mum.

This year he doesn't want to get them anything for Christmas. It sounds petty I know but a lot of the issues are around him feeling like they don't make any effort with him (or mainly the kids) and haven't since he was young. So he's now reached the 'well I'm just not going to bother either' stage.

I just feel a bit bad doing this. Do I get PIL something myself? I don't think DH will want me to tbh. But I equally don't want to get in the middle of this.

I know this sounds like I'm not 'standing by' my husband but believe me, I would and have done before when I've felt his parents were out of line. But I very much can see that DH can be unreasonable too and I'm reluctant to lose my relationship with my MIL in particular over the current situation, for the sake of the children too.

I wouldn't get them something, if your dh has come to a considered decision to NOT get them something. You say you don't want to take sides, but that really would be hurtful to your dh, whereas not getting them anything is his decision / choice.

Can you send them a small token like a Christmas plant? Presuming you would normally get them separate gifts, more personal and of greater value.

I wouldn’t appreciate it if I decided not to buy my own parents a gift and my DH bought one for them. How would you see this if it were the other way round?

Maybe send them flowers or some wine? Really depends if DH is right or not. If he's right then surely no contact at all in future is inevitable?

I think I’d send something from the children at least. It doesn’t need to be huge, maybe a photo calendar or similar

Could you not send them something from the grandchildren ?

I’d probably do them a Xmas hamper start of December so not officially a Xmas day gift

Can you get the children to make them something? Craft or baking. Then it's from the DC (but obvious you organised it).

Or get the kids to do a hamper

I agree with those saying send a token gift. And maybe a handmade card from the kids.

How long lasting do you think this feud will be? Does your DH want to make it up in the future? Does he foresee his kids as having an ongoing relationship with them? Do his parents show any remorse or sign of compromising?

If your DHs issue is he feels neglected by his parents, surely the parents should be doing more to assure him he and your kids are loved? Even if they feel they do enough already.

How long lasting do you think this feud will be?

It's quite an ongoing thing. This happens, then they make up and everything is back to normal. We've been here a few times now with DH saying that's it etc... So it's my belief that this won't last long.

It really depends how hurt he is by what went on and how he is in his choices.

I'd ask him tbh if he'd be ok with you sending a small gift (from you) or at least a card.