When is it time to end relationship?

[Custardcream67]

Me and DH have been together 11 years. One pre-school DD.

We get on fine I guess. Could happily co-exist and plod along and keep the family unit together.

We just don’t have a spark anymore. I can’t say I love him anymore. Sex is more a chore. I can’t see myself with him for the rest of my life.

I feel torn between splitting the family and staying together for DD. Should we stay together until DD has left home then we’d probably go our separate ways.

Are we being selfish to split. Just want my DD to be happy an have a stable childhood.

She'll be happy if her mother is happy and at that age would not even remember you being together. Life's too short to be miserable

What does he want?

Life has been shit this year, even if not directly affected by covid the worry is not without impact.

Have you told him how you feel?

If you really feel that things aren’t going to get better, then you should just bite the bullet and go. There is absolutely nothing worse than being stuck and unhappy. Your DD deserves two happy parents.

When i say what does he want i mean does he feel the same?

I'm in a similar situation so sympathise.
I'm trying to work on the marriage and give it another year or two to see if things get better

We have openly chatted about it a lot. We both agree. We are both unhappy that it has come to this. I guess we are seeing how it goes as it’s not an easy decision to officially end it.

Scared to be along though. We have been together before we even hit our twenties.

Alone

You could give trying to get the spark back a go. Go back to dating, love bomb each other etc. If there's nothing there then split. You'll cause your DD emotional damage if you play act at happy families.

How would you feel about your DD having a a stepmother, step brothers or sisters, half brothers or sisters? Running two households is expensive. Things can get very complicated. Life is ordinary sometimes. In this pandemic there is nothing going on to lighten the mood. If it's not terrible and he's not abusive, I would explore every avenue first before splitting. Have you had counselling?

Should we stay together until DD has left home then we’d probably go our separate ways.

Doing that is most likely to leave your daughter feeling her entire childhood was a lie, and render her previously happy childhood memories painful and distressing.

No point trying to give your daughter a stable foundation for her life if you then rip it all up just as she's embarking on adulthood and really needs that foundation more than ever.

Endings are scary and challenging, but they're part of life and it's totally survivable. The idea of being alone is scary when it's a big unknown you've not experienced as an adult, but the reality of it is fine.

Just to add I am not trying to make you feel guilty by what I say, just saying take time to make a considered decision, but sounds as though you are already OP.

Do you think you might coparent amicably as friends if you separated rather than potentially letting resentment build? My parents separated 18 years ago when I was 8 or 9. I helped dad choose the house he bought when he moved out of the family home. They remained (and remain) very good, close friends, we spend time together at Christmas & they’ve been each other’s bubble in lockdown. They are not romantically involved. They are probably the slightly extreme version of good coparenting after separation but it does and can work. Separation/divorce is sad but it doesn’t have to be a big angry horrible ending that destroys everything you had.

I’d like to think we would coparent well. We are pretty chilled out.

The thought of DD with a separate family which doesn’t involve me is upsetting. But then again I will hopefully meet someone and she will have two happy families but the unknown is scary.

We just don’t want to spend time together. We have tried to force it but just seems like we both can’t wait to go and independently do our own hobbies as soon as DD goes to bed.

I want more DC. He only will if things improve between us which he doesn’t think will. To me it’s a risk wasting my remaining fertile years with someone who might not ever want more kids.

It sounds like you could split amicably which would be a good resolution. I'm glad to hear you are taking openly about and summing up your options. I guess you need to decide;:

A) if there is any desire on either side to rebuild and invest in you relationship. I strongly believe that that is possible if both sides are committed to it.

B) if you both want to split the you need to come up with a plan around how to do it in the most kind way for your daughter.

I second counselling - even as away to clarify your thoughts on Leaving.

For the record, my parents had an unhappy marriage. It sounds like at least you and your husband get along but resentment can grow. Don't let it. I did me a lot of harm having parents at war. It is easier for in some ways that they are still together but it's not pleasant to be around them always and it's sad for them that they have denied themselves happiness. An amicable split would have been better.

At least you are on the same page! It's better to split at this stage rather than let it drag on and let deep resentments build.

"Staying together for the children" doesn't work. It leaves the entire family unhappy and is a huge burden for a child. Even if it did make your children happy are you really prepared to be miserable for the rest of your natural life?

I am not going to pretend that it will be easy splitting up but if your marriage is dead in the water it will far easier to do it now when your DD is too young to have memories of the two of you together.

If you think you have a real shot at turning around do so but don't string a miserable marriage along for another decade and a half or more out of a sense of misplaced guilt towards your child.

Find someone who excites you OP. You only live once.