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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not her business surely?

18 replies

PoloPoloPoloPolo · 29/11/2020 10:35

This actually happened last month but it's been niggling me so wanted some views.

My husband's ex (they share DC) can be quite...not sure how to phrase it... She thinks she should be privy to lots of personal things about his life. There have been a few examples of this, like wanting to know how much I earned before we moved in together for example (years ago now).

Anyway, day to day they get on okay, and we do too generally, I just think she's quite nosey sometimes.

I posted during pregnancy loss awareness week on my own social media that me and DH had experienced a loss earlier in the year and it had been very difficult and sad. I didn't post much information, just shared where people could find the MA website etc..

Anyway, DH later that week received messages from his ex saying she thought it was really bad we didn't tell her first and she has a right to know that 'for the kids' before having to find out on social media. No 'im sorry to hear that' mind...

I don't have her on social media so obviously I need to crack down on my privacy.

I don't actually care that she knows. But AIBU to think it's actually not her 'right to know' and we absolutely didn't need to tell her about it. Obviously it would have been very different if it were a successful pregnancy and the children were told about it. But they didn't and don't know about it.

OP posts:
ILoveYoga · 29/11/2020 10:39

She needs to be told it’s not all about her.

NewlyGranny · 29/11/2020 10:40

None of her beeswax!

M0rT · 29/11/2020 10:41

What did your DH say?
I'd be saying "Thanks for the support" and leaving it.
If you start justifying yourselves your feeding the idea that you need to.
Your business is your business and nothing to with her.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 29/11/2020 10:41

Sorry for your loss OP. She sounds very difficult and doesn't have a right to know those things. Hope your partner told her where to go when she wanted to know what you earned. If he tells her every personal thing she asks about maybe shes got used to expecting to know everything.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/11/2020 10:41

What did your DH say to her?

He should have said "Thank you for your concern, we are fine! And no, it is none of your business. How did you find out about it?"

And yes, block her from anything and everything you can think of. At least she wasn't bright enough to be secret about her cyber stalking... you can deal with it now you are fully aware of it!

PoloPoloPoloPolo · 29/11/2020 10:47

He just replied saying thanks for making it about you and then left it. She didn't reply to that tbf.

OP posts:
TweeBree · 29/11/2020 10:47

If the kids were expecting a new sibling and then suddenly weren't, then yes, their other parent should be made aware in case questions come up or the child is upset.

But as they didn't know, then YANBU.

PoloPoloPoloPolo · 29/11/2020 10:48

@TweeBree

If the kids were expecting a new sibling and then suddenly weren't, then yes, their other parent should be made aware in case questions come up or the child is upset.

But as they didn't know, then YANBU.

I agree, that would have been a totally different situation.
OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/11/2020 10:48

@PoloPoloPoloPolo

He just replied saying thanks for making it about you and then left it. She didn't reply to that tbf.
Good for him!
Ohalrightthen · 29/11/2020 10:51

I think she's absolutely BU

But i would caution you on posting stuff like this online if you haven't told the other children - a friend of mine did this and some wellmeaning soul mentioned it to her DD, who had no idea, and was heartbroken.

PegasusReturns · 29/11/2020 10:52

Very much depends on whether the DC were aware.

My DC became a bit obsessed with the idea of their brother after I lost him. If my DC had been aware of a half sibling loss then I would absolutely want to know and would consider it poor parenting on the part of my ex if he’d not given me the heads up.

PoloPoloPoloPolo · 29/11/2020 10:53

Very much depends on whether the DC were aware

I said in my OP that they didn't know.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 29/11/2020 10:53

Sounds like your husband. Has your back his response was perfect. She sounds a right nosey mare and just wants to be entrenched in her Ex's life still.

PoloPoloPoloPolo · 29/11/2020 10:55

@Ohalrightthen

I think she's absolutely BU

But i would caution you on posting stuff like this online if you haven't told the other children - a friend of mine did this and some wellmeaning soul mentioned it to her DD, who had no idea, and was heartbroken.

Thanks, I don't really have anyone on my SM other than my friends (who don't really see DSC) as I moved from quite far away when I met DH and a few family members who, the ones who do see them, would know not to mention anything.

Although she's obviously seen it somehow so need to change privacy settings clearly!

OP posts:
Namechangedforthisoct2 · 29/11/2020 10:57

Love your dh response!

TwentyViginti · 29/11/2020 10:58

@PoloPoloPoloPolo

He just replied saying thanks for making it about you and then left it. She didn't reply to that tbf.
Spot on reply!
Mrsjayy · 29/11/2020 11:01

I would block her but if you have shared friends then maybe they mentioned your miscarriage to her but realistically she is checking up on you. She needs to get a grip

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2020 12:21

I’ve definitely read this before. If it wasn’t you then it’s awful two people have gone through this.

I’m sorry for your loss and for her intrusion. It’s nothing to do with her and DH reply was excellent.

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