Christmas (another one sorry) WWYD

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FIL, late 70s, is terminally ill with a degenerative lung condition. He needs oxygen to move. He is therefore right at the top of the extremely clinically vulnerable list for COVID. MIL is in her mid 70s and overweight but otherwise healthy. She's therefore at some risk, but not as high as FIL.

MIL is understandably desperate to have a family Christmas this year. It could be the last time we are all together. BIL very strongly in her corner. We were all going to isolate for two weeks to minimise risk and make this happen. We may still be able to do this.

However, there is a chance we won't. Last week I found a lump under my arm. My GP found another lump in my breast. I am on an urgent referral to the breast cancer clinic. There is a strong family history of breast cancer on my side.

If I am in and out of hospital before Christmas, I can't be COVID secure. If that happens, I don't feel it is responsible for us to go see to see PIL and risk taking COVID with us. DH, who is v cautious about Coronavirus, agrees.

However, BIL and MIL are piling on the pressure for us to go anyway. We are really struggling emotionally with it. A lot has gone wrong this year before all this.

Obviously if I do have cancer I will also be higher risk. To be selfish for a second (sorry), I am not sure I 100% trust BIL to self isolate. I think it's fairly likely that what he will do is not self isolation (which is staying indoors or in your own garden) but low risk public contact, e.g. walking outside multiple times a day, meeting friends outdoors etc.

My head is in a bit of a mess with all this going on and I am not sure whether its reasonable to stand firm and say no for now, with a view to meeting up in the new year once PIL are vaccinated.

WWYD?

I'm so sorry for all you're going through. What strikes me is that you're rightly worried about MIL, but for your own sake you don't want to increase your chances of a dose of Covid on top of what you're facing currently, so yes I think you should be cautious.

So very sorry to hear this, what a tough situation. Fingers crossed this turns out to be nothing for you.

In your situation I'd think about what YOU want if you turn out to have cancer. If you'd want to minimise your own risk by isolating while awaiting treatment if you did, and that is the main driver for your decision, then I'd tell them that you won't be going. If it helps, I work with breast cancer patients and we are not telling any patients to isolate until we do a covid test 3 days before surgery or chemotherapy. Some patients do choose to isolate from diagnosis for their own reasons though. So there would be no reason this have to do this, but if you choose to that would obviously be totally reasonable. If this is your choice then although it will be difficult for your in laws I think you and your dh just need to be firm about it and talk about how you can still be involved, perhaps by video chat.

On the other hand if your main worry is about the risk to your FIL then I'd try and have a frank chat with him about what he wants together with your dh. It may be that he would prefer to take the risk of dying from covid, given that he is terminally ill and hasn't seen his family for months. In which case, as long as I believed he really understood the risk I'd still go if that was his choice.

Hopefully the tests you're waiting for all come to nothing and you can spend Christmas with them without worry.

Thanks both, that is really helpful advice. It is useful to know what the protocols are for cancer patients. To be honest, if I do have cancer I really wouldn't want to get anything that would delay treatment.

I would wait to make a decision until you know what's going on with you.

Can FIL give his opinion and would he know if you were there or not or whether it was even Christmas?

Honestly it’s a shit time for you and sounds like perhaps your feelings are all Up in the air anyway- understandably so. Does the wider family know about your cancer risk and current situation? If so then just say you cannot and will not make any decisions until you know what’s happening there- sorry. And let them go ahead if they need to plan.

FIL- honestly? He is terminally ill so if he wants to have a last family Christmas then I wouldn’t let Covid risks stop that. By all means be sensible and don’t be sitting on his knee or coughing in his face. But really the poor man won’t see next Christmas so be mindful of that.
BIL even if he does lite version of self isolation will still be reducing his risk of covid significantly and as you’ve stated you will be possibly attending hospital appointments etc anyway so again- let the BIL thing go for now.
Bottom line- let the in-laws and BIL do what they want and take only your own health and situation into account. If you’re not receiving any treatment for cancer your risks aren’t particularly high for covid related issues anyway so in some ways the risk prior to treatment are less worrying that during treatment...so perhaps now is as good a time as any to allow a degree of risk taking compared to once treatment starts.
I wish you well. It sounds bloody difficult all round so be kind to yourself.

If it is cancer, psychologically they wouldn't be the people I would want to be around. They're not supportive types, and I think I would feel justified in saying "no" and seeing my family instead (we have to do one or the other because of the bubble and the fact that they are at opposite ends of the country). It's likely to be my grandmother's last Christmas too (she's in hospital) and my father is having all sorts of investigations too.

Can you book a private test for 22nd/23rd December as I'm sure you won't have any more appointments after that? Hope things go ok 😘

Based on your last post, how would your DH feel about going to your family?

I visited my DF the day after I got diagnosed with cancer and the fact he didn’t even mention it is still upsetting 2 years later. If it comes to it, I’d want to be with people who will be supportive.

DH is torn. He doesn't really get on with his parents. But I think he also feels guilty about possibly missing his father's last Christmas. He would be fine with visiting my family instead, though.

minnie that really sucks about your father. How utterly upsetting for you. My in laws are like that, it will be a festive season of disavowal. We all have to pretend there is nothing at all wrong with FIL even though he now can't walk and needs oxygen to move. I come from quite an open family so I find it unsettling. But it's their way, I guess.