Ex partner kept recent divorce a secret..

[ariahealy]

Hi all,

I have a rather strange AIBU dilemma. My partner and I split in July 2020. We had been together for 18 months. Prior to us actually sleeping together; I said I wanted to make sure we both used protection. He had told me he was married and therefore had a vasectomy. Not 'protection' for everything, I am aware so I still made sure we were both protected though). No problems. All good. We didn't really talk about marriage (his) nor marriage in general. It's not something I am looking for - and he knows/knew that.

We remain friends/friendly and actually last messaged exactly a week ago. For the record; we split largely because of COVID/travel bans/frustrations. I live in London and he lives in NYC - and we both used to split our time between both cities for professional reasons anyway.

However; when one of my friends asked me when exactly he got divorced; I couldn't tell them as I didn't know. His wedding was featured in a magazine so it was easily found online. The wedding took place in 2010. I don't think it lasted long. After some digging - it turns out he had been married AGAIN. This time from Autumn 2016 to Summer 2018. He and I met in March 2019 and dated until Summer 2020.

He never mentioned this although I guess you could say he 'technically' didn't lie... as he did say he had 'been married'.

His recent ex-wife had a child from her previous marriage - and so he essentially had a 'family'. Also... she looks EXACTLY like me, same hair, same skin tone, same degrees, same university, also from London although she does live in the US... (he's American).

Is it just me or is that really really weird? I am so so creeped out and even though we remain friendly, I simply cannot look at him the same way again. Do I say anything? Or just leave it be? Or just think 'thank FUCK' - and run?!

I don't think it's weird, maybe he is hurt/embarrassed that the marriage ended.

He has a preference for women who look a certain way. Nothing wrong.

But you split up in July and of you keep looking for things about him how are you going to move on?

@IEat You're right. That's fair. I think I wouldn't have looked had my friend not asked me outright. Hence why I looked.

He and I were still friendly regardless.

Weird, just don’t get into a relationship again, stay friends. It’s a fairly superficial friendship.

The expected thing would be to say: "I've been married twice before". You share that kind of info fairly upfront (i.e. the first few dates). For you not to know after 18 months is weird, so YANBU to feel uncomfortable. I'd be wondering what else he left out.

@TweeBree Agreed. It’s not something you can get out of on a technicality.

He told you he was still married. And you never spoke about marriage. So he didn't really keep it a secret. It just never came up, it's not even like you talked about marriage or past relationships and he just committed this one bit. And his ex wife having a child is not his family, not like he hid a child from you.

I think you're being weird tbh

Yeah I think that’s odd. Your relationship sounds very superficial

@Nottherealslimshady He never said he was ‘still married’. (Obviously would never sleep with a married man!!) He said he had ‘been married’ - hence the vasectomy. We had spoken about marriage in general - as that’s how he knew it wasn’t for me. (Wasn’t keen on getting married/never have been!)

I mentioned the ‘family’ fact that it’s a quite a big thing to NOT say. Even 18 months in...?!

@Nottherealslimshady Any marriage chat was about the concept of marriage itself. Not really about ‘should we ever get married’. I said to him that it wasn’t for me etc... I just find it weird. I guess that’s the best word to sum it up!

Why on earth was your friend talking about your ex?

It all seems rather strange to be fishing round in water that has gone under the bridge

@RoseAndRose She was asking when he got divorced - because she was hoping he would ‘know better’ by now. (She was asking about what his motives were for still staying in contact...)

Did you go into details with him about your last 2 serious relationships?

I really don’t see how him having a step child for 2 years means he has a family. He has no responsibilities towards this child.

@agradecida I did! Both were long term relationships - and one of which I had moved to Aus with for 4 years; so naturally I told him!

Misread the "was" as meaning at the time he was married but separated. Did you ask about his marriage when he said he'd been married? If he said "I've been married" and you said "ok" then what more do you want? I dont think it's strange at that he didn't tell you he's ex wife had a child. Why would he need or want you to know that it's not relevant to him, it's not his child.

I think it's strange you're still talking about his ex to your friends.

Not weird. I wouldn’t want to hear all the details about his previous relationships.

Always worth checking! Family member was proposed to by a man who had told her he was divorced. He was later, but it turned out the proposal took place when he was still married! Separated very thoroughly, but not even a little bit divorced.

He was almost a year divorced when you met I don't think that is particularly recent.

Also if you are in the same line of work is it possible that is why you and ex have similar qualifications?

I mentioned the ‘family’ fact that it’s a quite a big thing to NOT say. Even 18 months in...?!

Well not really, it was a short marriage and not his kid so there is every chance he won't ever see them again. It would be weird if he didn't mention his own child