To feel like I'm failing as a parent

[CaramelCandle]

I just feel totally lost. I have 2 dc, dd is 6 and ds is almost 5. Dd is an absolute angel, always has been. She has her moments like any other child but is overall well behaved and a good girl. Ds on the other hand is the complete opposite. He absolutely refuses to listen to anything I say and every day just feels like a battle I'm losing. Tonight has just tipped me over the edge. Asked them both to go to bed, dd gets in bed no problem, ds is getting out of bed, giggling and just generally being disobedient. It resulted in me giving him time out but he just laughed in my face. I didn't shout, just tried to talk clearly and calmly but he was paying no attention. After this, he wouldn't lie down, just sitting on the edge of the bed to get out and as I walked near him he lay back and kicked me in the mouth. He saw the shock on my face but continued laughing. I left the room and after this DH came up and told ds to apologise. He's much better behaved for DH so I don't know why he's like this to me. I'm normally the one to do bedtime as DH normally gets home from work too late and I'm just sick of this battle. He has absolutely no respect for me and doesn't care about upsetting me. He can be such a lovely boy but it's only when he's getting what he wants. As soon as he's told to do something he turns it into a battle. Please help.

You aren’t failing but maybe stop expecting the worst from him and seeing him as the bad kid - also he may know you favour DD

Maybe change the way you approach him?

You’re not failing. Some kids are more challenging than others. You can’t expect them to be the same. Your dd may turn out to be a nightmare teenager and your ds no trouble at all.

I've experienced this kind of behaviour with all 3 of my boys so i don't think you are failing. He's just being challenging basically and this is part of your work as a parent. Try take the emotion you feel out of it and view it more as a project to work on. My eldest doesn't respond well to instructions but he's still done well in school and is capable. As he's got older he's seeing why he needs to go to bed and why he needs to get dressed and he chooses to do it without me asking. It's alot easier. Some kids just don't respond well to commands. Maybe a check list would work better so he can see what he needs to do before bed and tick it off and give some kind of reward the next day it he completes the list without fuss. Alternatively you could try punishment like less screen time the next day if he doesn't listen to you. I find letting my ds feel in control to a certain extent helps though. They like to feel independent. Hope that helps...

I definitely don't favour dd. I always try to treat them both equally and give him a fair chance but she will just get on with what she's been told to do and he will try to resist, every time.

Maybe he behaves in the way he thinks you expect?
Maybe he thinks he can’t win so why try?
Maybe you don’t notice the good things?

I’m not being unkind - I have 3 and my eldest was (and still can be) very difficult- but I got caught in such a negative pattern with her nothing could change - until I did

I think you need to change your approach.

1. Really ask yourself if you treat them the same - I think it’s unlikely as your exasperation with him is likely to show on some level. I have a friend with similar issues with one child - she swears she treats both the same - as hard as she tries, she doesn’t.

1. Spend time with him one on one if you can. Do things he enjoys, so he doesn’t always just see you as the one telling him off

1. Change how you interact with him. The checklist someone mentions above is a good example.

1. Once you’ve got it down to needing to discipline him less, then be strict about the discipline you are instilling. So there have to be real consequences of him not doing what he is told - eg removing the toy he is playing with, not getting to go somewhere etc

My son was very challenging when he was younger but his two sisters were very easy. Then we got to the teenage years, he was so easy it was untrue but his sisters were hard work. They all have challenging stages.

Don't try to treat him the same as his sister, they have different needs but do try to show him that you value him and notice when he's doing the behaviour that you want. To a small child all attention is good.

I think the 121 time mentioned above is a good idea but I would be strong on disapline too (not hitting obviously) but taking away privileges, no chat on the naughty step and hugely consistent.

If he’s playing up I’d send him to bed not him and dd, along side some really lovely quality time to make him want to behave better.

Do you have any idea why he’s better with DH?

I’m surprised there has been so many comments questioning your approach so far.

I do think managing the behaviour is key - kicking people in the face at 6 could lead to some really big issues at 12/13.

It's not your fault. My 5yo ds is the same. I spent the.whole summer pregnant and worried about how we would cope because of his behaviour.
Now he's completely changed. I think sometimes it's just a phase they go through.