AIBU not to let DC stay over with their dad whilst I give birth.

[Whattheactual20201]

Hey !
I recently found out ( well A couple of weeks ago now ) I was pregnant at 30 weeks. I am likely to be induced according the consultant the week of the 28th of December. ( waiting on a confirmed date )
I have 2 older DC age 13 and 7 !
They have a different dad to my current pregnancy and have had an on and off relationship with their father. My ds knows his father more than my youngest ( we split when youngest was a baby )
He has never had a huge responsibility of them he does occasionally see them 4 times a year normally sees them the week in between Xmas and new year.
I update them on the kids and I am not angry with him and don’t argue with him.
However my DS on the phone to him told him about baby etc and then he asked to speak to me. He asked who was having the kids when I was being induced. I have made arrangements for my sister to be with the kids. He suggested that he had them.
Now I think DS is older enough to make his own decision, however daughter is complex with health and this is something is has never been actively involved in. She has probably only met him 4 times each year and although she does know him as her dad I don’t think she should stay with him the first time so suddenly for 2-3 days ?
She is a bit younger than a average 7 year old.
He is annoyed at me that I would rather send them somewhere else than let them stay with their dad.
I have agreed that If DS wants to stay then he can but my DD will be staying with my sister ( they are very close )
AIBU ?

Under normal circumstances I'd say you were unreasonable but considering the amount of times he sees the kids (approx once every 3 months & I'm guessing not for a number of days per visit) then YANBU.

I think you've done the right thing giving your eldest a choice but with regards to your 7 year old with additional medical needs I think you're right letting your sister have her. You'll be less worried when you need to concentrate on the birth & your daughter will be more settled at a time that's probably already a bit unsettling with a new sibling on the way.

I think you're right. Whether or not he's their dad he's someone who sees them a few times a year. A new sibling is a big deal, and 2-3 days can feel like a long time they should be with someone who they feel comfortable with. Also you don't need the stress when you're in labour.

He isn’t their dad. A father maybe, but no one who sees their child 3-4 times a year is a dad.

Open this to tel you that YABU however after I read it I totally agree: he can’t get to skip out on the majority of parenting and the expect to have them during a big change in their lives. That’s not taking in to account about your dd. Add that to the kid and they definitely should be staying with people who are interested in them and their lives

He should have had his finger out arranging and maintaining much more consistent contact all this time to have any kind of say now.

YANBU - it's a bit scary when your mum goes into hospital. I'd let DS decide but stick with your sister for DD.

Def youngest with your sister.
If he wasn't their 'biological' dad but someone, say a friend of the family, you wouldn't let them go.

I agree let the 13 y o choose but not the 7 y o. You'd be leaving her with a virtual stranger who knows nothing about her emotionally regardless of other things. Last thing you need is issues from her dad trying to arrange her getting to your sister.

Go with your gut which you've already done x

Why does he see the children so infrequently and for such a short duration at a time?

@Perfect28 I mean many many excuses
But the week between Xmas and new year his mum is down so they both come to see them.

Still shook over your original post. But yep I agree with past posters here.

@HaveeeeYouMetTed

Under normal circumstances I'd say you were unreasonable but considering the amount of times he sees the kids (approx once every 3 months & I'm guessing not for a number of days per visit) then YANBU.

I think you've done the right thing giving your eldest a choice but with regards to your 7 year old with additional medical needs I think you're right letting your sister have her. You'll be less worried when you need to concentrate on the birth & your daughter will be more settled at a time that's probably already a bit unsettling with a new sibling on the way.

This

I don’t disagree at all with you although he does have time between now and then to spend some time with them to get to know them better. I’m assuming that since he’s never really bothered before he’s not going to start now. He just likes the idea of being a devoted dad without putting in the required effort. Good luck for your new baby OP

I'd offer a get out of jail free card to your son- if he doesn't want to go and doesn't want to upset his dad then you are happy to take the blame.

I think that’s fair; they aren’t used to staying with him and when you’re having a baby isn’t the time to start; it’s already a time of change for them and you need to be relaxed and happy about where they are.

It's a time of big upheaval and you don't want him saying anything out of turn about the new arrival. You won't be in a position to pick up the pieces afterwards. Id want them to see him but not stay, that's way too much for someone they only see a few times a year.