For those of you who are stepparents....

[lala2221]

What are your top tips?!

How long have you been a stepparent for? What do you love about it? What do you find hard? How have you made it work?

Top tips from me:
Stepparent 22 years

1. Respect their parent (meaning the parent who doesnt live with you). NEVER mention them in a negative way even if you don't get on.
2. Remember they dont need a replacement "mother" or "father", they have one. BUT dont be a "friend". Be a sort of aunt/uncle type.
3. Just lead by example. Don't rise to things, just be decent and kind.
4. Let go a little. The parenting in your home and with your birth kids will be influenced by the parenting decisions of someone else. It's not ideal but you may have to roll with it a little.
5. "butt out" when major decisions need to be made by the child's parents.
6. Treat them as equally as you can as your birth kids.
7. Get rid of the whole "step" thing.
8. Just keen your head up until they become adults, that's a whole other ball game - (for the better in my case).

My top tip would be to really, really look at several things before you even contemplate moving in together.

1. What is the relationship between your boyfriend and his ex like? Is it a high conflict nightmare? Because that’s drama no one needs to take on. It will contaminate all aspects of your life, and affect any possibility of a decent relationship with the DSC.
2. What is your boyfriend like as a parent? Is he clear and consistent in setting them boundaries? Does his parenting look like the kind of parenting you’d be happy with your own kids? If the answer here is no, just don’t do it.
3. What are his expectations of you as a stepmother? Does he think you should be cooking, doing laundry, supervising homework, doing school runs, providing childcare for him? Or is he going to do all of that and you can just be a bonus adult in their life? Be aware of what you’re willing to do.
4. What are the in-laws like? Are they deeply attached to the ex? (In which case: are you happy with them inviting her to Christmas etc). Does anyone in that family have some weird view that ‘second families’ are inferior or that SMs are intrinsically evil? Because you’d be setting yourself up for dealing with that forever.
5. What age are the children? Some ages are notably harder (in general and specifically for getting a SM) than others. The individual personalities matter too, but it helps to be aware that an 8 year old boy is a very different prospect to trying to become a SM to a 14 year old girl. You’d want to approach it all quite differently and set your expectations accordingly.

Basically, don’t just assume everything will be lovely. Look very closely, particularly at points 1-3.

@KumquatSalad

My top tip would be to really, really look at several things before you even contemplate moving in together.

1. What is the relationship between your boyfriend and his ex like? Is it a high conflict nightmare? Because that’s drama no one needs to take on. It will contaminate all aspects of your life, and affect any possibility of a decent relationship with the DSC.
2. What is your boyfriend like as a parent? Is he clear and consistent in setting them boundaries? Does his parenting look like the kind of parenting you’d be happy with your own kids? If the answer here is no, just don’t do it.
3. What are his expectations of you as a stepmother? Does he think you should be cooking, doing laundry, supervising homework, doing school runs, providing childcare for him? Or is he going to do all of that and you can just be a bonus adult in their life? Be aware of what you’re willing to do.
4. What are the in-laws like? Are they deeply attached to the ex? (In which case: are you happy with them inviting her to Christmas etc). Does anyone in that family have some weird view that ‘second families’ are inferior or that SMs are intrinsically evil? Because you’d be setting yourself up for dealing with that forever.
5. What age are the children? Some ages are notably harder (in general and specifically for getting a SM) than others. The individual personalities matter too, but it helps to be aware that an 8 year old boy is a very different prospect to trying to become a SM to a 14 year old girl. You’d want to approach it all quite differently and set your expectations accordingly.

Basically, don’t just assume everything will be lovely. Look very closely, particularly at points 1-3.

Totally agree , especially with number 1.

I’ve been a step-parent for 15 years (and DH a step parent to my girls the same length). My situation is a bit different to a lot because DS’s Mum died when he was a toddler so there’s only DH, and then me.

Have honest, brutally honest, conversations with your partner before living together. It’s not the big things that cause the resentment and long term hassles, they can often be sorted, it’s the little day-to-day things that niggle away at you.

Be realistic about how tough it will likely be at times (and I actually think people need to be a bit more realistic sometimes about wanting to be a step-parent - if you really, really, really don’t then walk away just as you would if your partner had another issue that you wouldn’t want to deal with).

If there is any chance at all you will have kids then discuss your non-negotiables and get them in place from day one. A lot of step-parents I know hit major issues because they wanted lots and lots of things changed once they had their own child and that’s the worst time ever for making changes.

For dealing with the actual step-child always be consistent. Don’t be their best-mate/favourite Aunty type one day and then harsh step-mother the next. It’s confusing

Don’t expect too much too soon. Kids need time

Give the child time alone with your partner

Equally, especially if they live with you or do 50/50, once you get to know them consider having something that you and the child do. My relationship with DS was partly built on our Sunday morning walk to the local shop to pick up breakfast rolls just the two of us.

Try and remember that they’re not being difficult because they’re step-kids. They’re being difficult because they’re kids.

I think the main one is “be realistic”. We have a great blended set-up, but it took a lot of hard work and there were bumps along the way. It’s not always easy and if it’s not for you then walk away.

I’d also say from DH’s experience that communication between the two parents shouldn’t involve step-parents unless it’s all amicable. My ex would say black was white if DH said otherwise so the four way conversation between me, DH, ex and his wife just made life harder

Generally what we’d do is have discussions so we knew each other’s stance on an issue and then I’d talk to ex. There is a line where the two actual parents have to make the decisions and that is something the step-parent has to accept to an extent, but if they do affect you then your DH should know your lines as well.

Communication with your partner is the key

If there is any chance at all you will have kids then discuss your non-negotiables and get them in place from day one. A lot of step-parents I know hit major issues because they wanted lots and lots of things changed once they had their own child and that’s the worst time ever for making changes.

This is true. Having a baby really brings the issues you can’t live with into relief. If it’s something you really wouldn’t want for your child, then it’s an issue from the start.

In fact, even if you don’t have children with him, it’s vital that you are clear about what kind of things are non-negotiables for you in your house. Otherwise you won’t be able to feel comfortable at home and will come to be extremely resentful.

Another top tip would be to remember that you matter. Don’t start down the road of always putting yourself last because the SC must come first. Everyone has to matter in a family of any kind.

And also don’t assume that things will somehow improve or get easier. They probably won’t. If they are problems for you now, do recognise it and be realistic about what that means for you.