Spouse's suggestion to cheer me up.

[JennieLee]

My husband is older than me and in a vulnerable group in terms of Covid. If we go for a local walk together and he sees somebody on the pavement coming in our direction, he will immediately swerve right out of the way.

He is also not very intuitive, so lately I've been trying to focus on communicating clearly if I need a bit of help from him.

I told him I was feeling a bit down at the moment - our area got put into Tier 3 yesterday - and it'd help if he could think up with a few new ideas about enjoyable things for us to do.

We've been together a long time so he knows that there are somethings I don't much enjoy. These include.

• Air travel
• Crowds
• Big cities.

He has just suggested we go to New York.

Do I a) laugh, b) cry or c) LTB

Lol. I would laugh. But on more serious note, New York is very big and upstate from NYC is very beautiful and rural. You could stay in the Adirondacks in a log cabin and go for woodland mountain hikes with no people. Or rent a lakeside cottage in the thousand lake area and spend your days swimming and canoeing in nature. There is also the Erie Canal and you can have a boat holiday just following the canal through the state all the way to the Great Lakes.

He swerves people whilst walking outside yet he wants to get on a plane and go to New York?

Was he joking??

Given NYs situation and his apparent aversions I would have thought he was being sarcastic.

I don't think he was joking.... I think he would very much like to go to some of the cultural institutions in New York City - and hopes that a vaccine will mean that safe travel is possible before long.

I had been thinking more in terms of a trip to the local supermarket to buy cream buns for tea this weekend....

LTB!

What a bonkers suggestion.

The only things I can think of that you could cheer you up without breaching Tier 3 restrictions are get pissed or have a really good shag.

@LakieLady this!!

A).
It would make me laugh - but we both love that sort of humour. I would’ve assumed it was a joke!

I would do a mixture of a and b and drink heavily before reminding him that I hate those things.

Although my DH once got offended that I did not think his suggestion we celebrate my birthday at an expensive steak house was a good one. I have been vegetarian since I was 10 and absolutely hate expensive restaurants. Tool.

First sign of dementia?

I guess it came from a good place. How frustrating though.
I recall a birthday present(thankfully cancelled) a surprise limousine trip! I have been travel sick from tiny. So, no darling, springing a car ride on me for that night as a gift is not going to work.
Then there was the champagne I got. I actively dislike the stuff.
The meal out for my birthday one year. Ended up at some meat feast place. The menu was all slabs of chargrilled meat type of gig. Not my thing. Barely a side salad there. Another miss.
I was gifted 9 watches over 14 years. I don't wear a watch. Not because I haven't got one, but because I don't choose to wear them. Skinny wrists mean they rattle on me. Don't start me on jewellery and gems, no idea who he was buying for. Wasn't my taste.
So I really understand the disappointment that he can know you so long, but so very little.

must admit the first thing that flashed into my head was dementia..........

Well, ultimately I did (c) - not over a trip to NYC, but an element of it was when I needed something for me, he thought about what he wanted for him. Now, in my XH’s case it was a combination of selfishness and lack of imagination.

Not sure how light hearted a post is, but I’d do (d) non aggressively challenge him as to why he chose that. That may lead a discussion where he actually acknowledged the parts that weren’t a good fit, but turned out he had some fabulous idea there that I would love - a particular monument, or museum, perhaps. Or, it may just highlight that he was a selfish arse. I’d have to have the conversation though.

That's seriously bonkers. Second the question about dementia...

Is he generally one of these people who doesn't really try to understand people or "get" them?

My dad would make suggestions like this -- just has no insight into what makes people tick. For example he will buy Xmas presents that he wants for himself for other people. Some people find empathy very difficult. I think there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for trying to get to know the people you love and that's borderling neglectful.

@DPotter

must admit the first thing that flashed into my head was dementia..........

I wasn’t joking about it (and I don’t think you were either). My father had Alzheimer’s and I have to say... it’s slowly began with things like this. It’s a horrible creep

Do not go to America it's riddled with Corona virus.

Ignoring the inappropriateness of the suggestion for now.
We are disappointed when reality does not match up to expectation.
So you deep down already knew what you wanted (cream buns) but did not make the decision to go yourself or give him a clue.
DH, guess what I want? (thinking A)
Ooh, er, B?
No!!!

Since Covid started I have basically been organising all the treats - finding the nice local walks, doing the shopping and cooking lovely meals, sourcing DVDs and finding films to stream - and also looked after him in the period when he was convalescing after some medical treatment.

My husband has sort of gone along with it all. He has done his share of the cooking - except when ill. He has been to the shops once or twice to give me a break from doing it all - but only bought necessary/essential things.

I had at one or two points said that since Covid, he's not bought anything that's been a surprise. (For example, he would occasionally buy flowers, usually as a gesture after he'd taken me for granted in some way.)

No surprises have materialised though.

But I do want him now to do some of the work of finding things to make life enjoyable. He didn't have to magically intuit that I might like cream buns. What I would have liked was for him - on the basis of a relationship that has lasted 25 years - to come up with.

Perhaps to source ingredients for a favourite meal, or order me a new book by an author whose work I enjoy. To suggest a walk in a part of the nearby countryside, that I've liked exploring.

But no. New York.

I had at one or two points said that since Covid, he's not bought anything that's been a surprise. (For example, he would occasionally buy flowers, usually as a gesture after he'd taken me for granted in some way.) If he only bought them after being a dick it was hardly ever a nice surprise. I think he just doesn't sound thoughtful at all!!

Dementia? Break it to her gently, why don’t you?

That’s a really upsetting suggestion. You might have really upset the OP, when her DH has in all likelihood completely failed to read the room and thought she was looking for a grand gesture.

I know you've said you've mentioned it once or twice, but I think you may need to have a proper conversation about what it is that you want from him. It's nice when people think to buy or do surprise things for their partners, and in an ideal world you wouldn't have to ask, but not everyone is that type of person and being quietly disappointed about it isn't going to change anything.

I don't mean this in a rude way at all as I'm sure it's taking quite a bit of effort on your part, but if my partner was always suggesting local walks or films to watch I wouldn't necessarily think they were doing a special thing for me. My assumption in that case would be that they wanted to do those things themselves and were inviting me to join them, and as such it wouldn't even occur to me that they might be expecting me to make a particular effort to reciprocate. If you didn't organise anything, what would he do all day? If the answer is that he'd be quite happy just pottering about at home then YAB a bit U to feel hard done by for doing all the organising, because it sounds like you're doing it for yourself more than for him anyway.

On the other hand YW totally NBU to ask WTAF he's thinking suggesting New York when it sounds like you'd hate everything about it! And to explain that when you talked about doing "something nice" you meant over the next few days, not at some distant point in the future.

I think the replies about dementia were because the OP's first post made it sound like he wanted to hop on a plane right now, even though he gets anxious about passing too close to people on the pavement. Now that she's clarified that he meant after getting vaccinated, it sounds more like a straightforward failing to consider OP's perspective than a medical condition!

Sometimes other people's thinking can be....odd to say the least, but it doesn't necessarily mean they dont care. For example, my partner knew i hated the tv show deal or no deal, but one xmas/bday bought me the deal or no deal computer game. I was baffled and asked him why, his explanation was 'well i know you hate the show but i thought you might like the game'. Whaaaaat???? But he is also adorable and very thoughtful, just not everyones thinking is the same and what seems obvious to one may not be to another, or they may think other factors override the obvious, eg nyc being the quintessential 'big trip' place that everyone would love to go to. Maybe he genuinely thought such a huge gesture was his way of showing how much he cares?

@WaterOffADucksCrack

I had at one or two points said that since Covid, he's not bought anything that's been a surprise. (For example, he would occasionally buy flowers, usually as a gesture after he'd taken me for granted in some way.) If he only bought them after being a dick it was hardly ever a nice surprise. I think he just doesn't sound thoughtful at all!!

A man is only thoughtful if he buys surprise gifts?