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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask why my BF has advised me to have an affair?

13 replies

ThePortismyHome · 27/11/2020 09:53

So this year has been rather tough. Unlike a lot of other people DH has had at spend more hours at work due to the pandemic. It has really been affecting our marriage. The lack of time together, the sex and my life feeling like I’m just here to look after the DCs.

I decided naively to ask my BF for advice. According to her the only way I can save the marriage is to “keep him on his toes”. Says I should open up the marriage a bit to deal with the sexual needs. I had thought BF was advising me to have an open marriage, however it became clear she was advising me to have a full blown affair. I questioned her about it and she claims that DH is already have an affair. According to her an affair doesn’t have to be with a person but can be with anything that making him not concentrate on the commitments at home. She claimed DH is having an affair with work . The whole conversation had left me 100x more confused. However by the bed of it I found myself loving my DH more and being more determined to get through this bad patch.

Im still really confused why she would advised this. However I was rather stupid asking her for advice considering she’s on her 3rd marriage, It was very silly on my part. It has now got me thinking. About what she said about DH “having an affair with work”. Is there any truth to it?

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/11/2020 09:59

I think rather than speaking to your BF, you sit down and speak to your DH.... just a thought

D4rwin · 27/11/2020 10:01

Because shes not a monogamous person i guess? But you should probably focus on talking to the DH.

FlatulentSproutEater · 27/11/2020 10:01

'Having an affair with work' is a somewhat stupid turn of phrase and really rather meaningless. Not only that but it debases the actual having of an affair - an event that brings heartbreak to so many.

I don't know - I'd be tempted to get a better friend to be honest. This one sounds a bit shit.

berrygirlie · 27/11/2020 10:04

Please clarify that you meant best friend, I was reading this thinking; "Why is OP so worried about monogamy when she has a boyfriend and a husband?"

PaperTowels · 27/11/2020 10:05

She's using you to justify her own behaviours.

As a PP said, talk to your DH, not her!

liveitwell · 27/11/2020 10:07

Your best friend is about to sabotage your relationship.

Do not have an affair. Speak to your DH. See what can change. Sounds like a lifestyle chat is needed, not an affair!

Original poster

ThePortismyHome · 27/11/2020 10:11

Don’t worry I had spoken to DH about how I feel after the call with my BF. I know things will get better. I was just feeling extremely upset at the time and BF felt like the only person that wasn't DH I could trust.

berrygirlie - Yes BF mean Best Friend not Boyfriend.

OP posts:

Skysblue · 27/11/2020 10:12

Your bf is nuts, having an affair would probably end your marriage.

What she was trying (very badly) to say is that your husband is not meeting your emotional needs. and that it seems his emotional needs are being met by work, and that isn’t very fair or good for the marriage.

(Or perhaps he is just having a shitty year with way too much work to do and needs you to bear with him until things calm down.)

TulisaIsBrill · 27/11/2020 10:21

As someone who is in a non monogamous relationship, I can say with absolute certainty that an affair (with deceit involved) is obviously the wrong thing to do.

However, you and your husband need to sit down and work out why he feels unable to provide for your emotional and physical needs. It may be he is feeling overwhelmed by life or any variety of reasons - including it may turn out, a lack of attraction or libido. But he absolutely should be making some time for you and the family if he isn’t, and the conversation should be a reality check on that.

Anyway, as for opening up a marriage - believe me it is no solution unless you are non monogamous at heart, and he has the emotional fortitude to deal with that. It’s a long hard road even if you are naturally that way, and requires constant communication.

HappydaysArehere · 27/11/2020 10:21

Sounds as if she is an idiot and doesn’t understand marriage at all. At the first sign of a difficult time she is advocating an affair. No wonder her marriages didn’t work. Perhaps she is jealous of your stable relationship.

user1471565182 · 27/11/2020 11:08

I suspect she loves drama

GreenlandTheMovie · 27/11/2020 11:16

Some people have really strange ideas about relationships. Your title reminded me of a time when my then boyfriend (bf) was splitting up with me and advised me to use Tinder if I wanted casual sex. I didn't want casual sex and had never expressed any interest in having casual sex. But he wanted casual sex and so thought Tinder was a better bet than a relationship. Its not a world I'd like to be drawn into.

Ffsffsffsffsffs · 27/11/2020 11:25

Your best friend is a dick.

There is no way on earth I would advise someone I loved and trusted enough to be my best friend to have an affair - which would at the very least open up such a huge can of worms/snakes that could destroy their marriage.

Talk to your dh and bin your friend.

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