To not encourage this friendship - DS8

[unknownentity]

DS has been friends with a boy since nursery and they've been in the same class at school since they started. They are best friends.

They go on playdates to each others houses regularly (in normal times). The problem is that the friend misbehaves, is destructive and picks on other children (based on what DS tells me and the friend has told me).

I came home from work last week and DH told me that DS, his friend and our 5 yo DD were ahead at school pick up and he saw the friend lift his feet to our DD and push her over with a shove.

DH is not happy. He doesn't like the friend at all and told DS as much after the incident with DD. We have been trying to keep our opinions to ourselves apart from telling DS when his friend's behaviour is inappropriate or not nice after DS has told us something he's done.

I've been hoping it fizzles out and have been trying to encourage other friendships plus DS goes to extra curricular activities that his friend doesn't.

DS would be very upset if I didn't let him go to his friends house and vice versa when the rules are relaxed again. DS is exposed to things I'd rather he wasn't when at their house (some social media we don't agree with).

I have been trying to not get involved and just explaining things we don't agree with to DS in a non-biased way.

I can't stop them being friends at school but we can discourage time together out with school - WIBU?

Of course you're not being unreasonable to stop your child being friends with a bully. Tell him he can't play with him at school either! Otherwise you will end up with a bully on your hands too.

Maybe try communicating your concerns with the friends parents?
I have a 8 year old. It is possible your child is blaming group behaviour on one child. In my opinion groups this age are always bickering or arguing or don't like someone, it changes every day. Boys are very competitive at this age.
Did your DH call him out over the trip incident with your daughter?
Is anyone guiding this child or letting him know his behaviour is unacceptable?
Should you write off a child for being a bully or work with them to find the cause?
Unfortunately you can't control who your child is friends with at school. If you can't communicate with his parents, pass your concerns to the school.

You have no obligation to work with someone else’s child to find out why they’re a bully.

Call him out. Tell him if he does that again he won’t be allowed round to yours and follow through.

I'd be encouraging other friendships. Do his parents know what happened with your DD?

No not unreasonable to ban playdates. There's other people he can play with. I know my dh would definitely react in that way. Can't really see the benefit of having a friend like that tbh. If he's 8 he should know better. It's not like he's 5 years old and make a silly mistake.

Did your dh challenge the boy on his behaviour towards your dd? You know this child pretty well, did he not tell him off?

At the end of the day you can stop play dates but you cant pick your son's friends.

Just make sure everything is this boy's fault and he's not being "scapegoated" before you ostracise him. Your DS seems to enjoy his company so everything could be exaggerated. We have a tendency to see the best in our own children and the worst in everyone else's.

Different age group but DS often comes home from nursery and tells me fantastic tales (all half-truths) about how naughty his friends (who he absolutely adores) are. It's always, "X threw dirt at me", "Y pushed me" or "Z wasn't doing good listening". On talking to the nursery staff, usually either DS was doing these things and is "attributing" his misbehaviour to his friends or they were all partners in crime.

Did your dh tell him off?? Honestly I don't understand this. This boy sounds like a clear bully and he is destructive as well. Have you not even addressed this with his parents. You are a parent, you shouldn't be hand wringing about opinions and the like when this child has now bullied your own daughter.

We had an issue last year where my DS and was in a class with the friends he has had since nursery, we found at least three boys were being purposefully unkind ( knocking his snack to the floor, not letting him join in games, tripping him up) it was starting to affect his mood and confidence. We wrote to school and told them we had to have our son in a new class after summer because of this behaviour. Now he is in a new class and formed new friendships and seems so much happier so I am glad my husband and I pushed for it. Good luck OP definitely speak with either parents or school management team

DH was walking with the friend's mum at the time and asked if she saw it. She didn't and didn't really do anything after being told what happened.

I am not planning on speaking to his parents about it. I was hoping the friendship would fizzle out but after what happened with DD I feel I should maybe be more proactive.

This is all new to me! I don't remember my parents getting involved with my friendships but I appreciate I probably didn't have these friend issues.

I won't be able to stop his friendships when he's older but he is young enough at the moment that I could influence them.

I think you can influence but not control. So I wouldn't be having that kid back in the house again because of what he did to your DD. And that's a clear and simple enough message that an 8 year old can understand. I would also be very busy when DS wants to go to the other kid's house.

But I think that's as far as you can go, I don't think you can control what happens at school, for example. But you can definitely limit time out of school.

I feel so sad reading replies and the consensus being the boy is a bully, thwart their friendship. I’m on the other side of the road and my dc can struggle to make friends, behaves inappropriately at times. Many of the parents have done what posters on here suggest and limit the friendships. It is heartbreaking actually to see them Ignored and left out. I really would have appreciated it so much for parents to take me to aside and explain. I am not blind to my dc behaviour and always deal with issues. Instead we are now both alone at school pick up/drop off. Adults can small minded.

Lonny attitude says it all “that kid”
As an adult you need some space to consider your thinking. Not all children develop at the same rates.

The fact that the parents don't seem willing to help tackle this behaviour is another factor that would want me to limit contact. If the parents were on the ball about his behaviour it would be more likely to be a temporary thing he'd grow out of.

We have a similar situation with my son of the same age. He’s been friends with another child since playgroup, always been in the same class and play sports together. My ds is quite passive and won’t stand up for himself, his friend is very loud, pushy and outspoken and often tells ds what to do in a bossy manner. We are working with ds to try and build up his self confidence and ability to stand up to his friend but it’s difficult as he just reiterates that he’s his best friend. His parents see him as competitive, super intelligent and a leader and the ‘be the best’ attitude by his Dad, so I think I’m just hoping the friendship eventually runs it’s course.

My ds is quite passive and won’t stand up for himself, his friend is very loud, pushy and outspoken and often tells ds what to do in a bossy manner.

@Greysofa - may I ask why you object to this friend? Is he unpleasant to your DS or does he upset him? Does your DS not enjoy playing with him? Sometimes opposites attract.

I ask because, from what I read above, it seems that both children have "faults" (if that's the correct word?) they need to work on. Your DS needs to learn to stand his ground a bit more and this other boy needs to learn to consider what others want as well as what he wants. Assuming the friend isn't actively nasty and malicious but just thoughtless, maybe they might be good for each other long-term?

@MessAllOver

My ds is quite passive and won’t stand up for himself, his friend is very loud, pushy and outspoken and often tells ds what to do in a bossy manner.

@Greysofa - may I ask why you object to this friend? Is he unpleasant to your DS or does he upset him? Does your DS not enjoy playing with him? Sometimes opposites attract.

I ask because, from what I read above, it seems that both children have "faults" (if that's the correct word?) they need to work on. Your DS needs to learn to stand his ground a bit more and this other boy needs to learn to consider what others want as well as what he wants. Assuming the friend isn't actively nasty and malicious but just thoughtless, maybe they might be good for each other long-term?

Yes it does get unpleasant at times, particularly if my ds happens to outdo his friend. Injuries have happened during sports (not being over protective, this has been reported by coaches) and there’s just an unpleasant tone to the behaviour really. Absolutely my ds needs to stand up for himself more though, it’s something we are working on and will continue to do so.

@Greysofa. Then in that case I think you're quite right - I would also discourage the friendship. It doesn't sound like it's simply a quiet child being slightly smothered by an over-exuberant but essentially well-meaning friend who needs to learn consideration for others.