Would I be unreasonable to ask this regarding contact?

[Survivingastorm]

Dd is 2yrs old usually sees exp for one night eow (court ordered and no contact during the week due to distance), when she returns she is always very unsettled, angry and has nightmares, last time she woke up and was screaming and lashing out for half an hour before I got her to calm down which is unlike her. Court and cafcass had advised he has weekly video calls with dd to keep that connection going but exp has refused these calls (this is someone who also refused to see dd for 4 months as I had safeguarding concerns and wanted either one of my family members present or for it to be in a contact centre).

Now due to some health issues and a visit to hospital for dd she hasn't seen or heard from her dad in almost 4 weeks and is due to see him this weekend. Would I be unreasonable to ask that this weekend not be overnight and instead just day time contact for dd to ease back into contact? For reference ex done no care for dd since she was born up until June of this year.

Bump

You can ask him but it sounds like he’ll say no and he’s got the court order to fall back on. Poor you and poor DD

I don't understand why you're trying to pull back on the arrangement. Maybe your daughter is picking up on your anxiety, it can't be easy for her but are you talking about the visits and her dad in a positive light with her? You sound very negative about him on here. He doesn't sound like dad of the year but whatever he's done in the past he is her father and this should be more about the rest of her childhood relationship with him not what has happened before. I'm not saying you have to forgive him, but you have to accept that she has a dad and that 1 night in 14 isn't a lot. Tbh I think more frequent visits would be less disruptive as she's more likely to feel at home with him.

@Frazzledme, im not talking about pulling back on visits just this visit. With regards to more frequent visits due to the distance between us it isn't possible and I work.

Personally I think keeping it consistent makes more sense otherwise can be confusing for your daughter if sometimes she stays and sometimes she doesn't. Can you see if your ex has any ideas if you explain that you think she's anxious about it. If you don't think he'd be reasonable then it's probably not worth asking as he'd be unreasonable whatever but has the courts on his side. It sounds complicated so I think for you and your daughter a lot less mental stress if it's black and white what happens with the visits and when.

Just to clear I'm not asking that overnights stop all together, but because ex has gone 28 days without seeing or speaking to dd that it might be easier on dd to have a short visit.

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I agree with you, OP. Your daughter is only 2. It is very unsettling for a small child to be shipped off somewhere to sleep, and also given she has nightmares when she comes back, there is a sense that these overnights aren’t working for her.

I think it would be worth suggesting it, but you can’t insist.

I think consistency is key so keep it as an overnight. Also make sure you speak to her about her dad regularly when she’s with you and have a photo in her room of the 2 of them or something, these things might help her during the times she isn’t with her dad.

Also be aware if you don’t let her stay overnight he could potentially return to court as you will of breached the court order and IME courts don’t look favourably on anybody doing this

That does make sense, if dd doesn't go overnight she might start to think when she goes with daddy she'll see me soon.

I do sometimes talk to her about ex but when I do she walks away or doesn't listen also screams at his photo. She is being assessed for autism soon so I'm sure if she does have autism then this probably doesn't help.

I’d consider taking this back to court. She is showing signs of distress at contact with her dad. She’s only 2. Are such occasional overnights actually necessary?

Once you get the assessment process started that will definitely help, it certainly won’t be easy for her having the change to routine but you’ll be able to find ways to help her cope with it better.
My son has autism so I know how difficult it can be in young children.
I would also agree with a PP about seeing whether daytime contact might be better for now? Of course the courts will want you to prove this is in DDs best interests. Would 1 day every weekend be feasible? I know you said it’s difficult with distance. Does he collect Dd or meet halfway at least if not?

@SendHelp30 this is with one overnight every weekend is I'd get no quality time with dd as I work. If you don't mind me asking are you seperated from your ds dad?

I don't think overnights are working, it doesn't help that there wasnt much of a relationship between them to start with and the fact that dd is so attached to me.

@flaviaritt we are still in the court process actually but have a final hearing mid next year.

I think as they’re still building a relationship it should be started slower than overnight really but it depends what judge you get. She’s only a baby still.
No I’m with DS dad but my sister has been through the court process and I went with her to her hearings so witnessed quite a few. There process lasted 3 years which was awful and now he has no contact anyway which was his decision. Waste of oxygen!

Understand about quality time. Would he do a FaceTime every 3 nights or so? Just trying to remember the suggestions the court made for my sister and her DS.

@SendHelp30 The judge and cafcass suggested phone calls but he has said he won't be doing these. I really do think they would help but he just won't budge on doing them. I think he will lose interest at some point but ex's mum I think is very much trying to keep contact going, perhaps because she thinks she won't see dd if he doesn't.

If it's his mum pushing it - and it sounds like it is, because when she's not around mid week for the video call then he's not interested, but he's up for contact at his weekend when she is - is there any way you could have a direct conversation with her making it clear that she is welcome to see DD without him? Perhaps offer her the midweek call since he's not using it?

I agree with PP., try and contact his mum directly. Poor DD he sounds so uninterested

Have you got evidence (Ie texts) of him refusing to follow the court's suggestion of phone contact? If not, get it. I'd also try to get evidence of her distress on return - some trips to the gp asap after return as you're concerned she's unwell. Get it on record. Same with her reactions to you talking about him - record or do it at the doctors.

Poor little girl. It must be so hard for you to see her so upset.

I could ask his mum directly, but I also think part of it as well is not wanting for her son to be seen as failing within or outside of the family. But it's worth a try as ex has little interest, dd was rushed to hospital with breathing difficulties, apart from one call the day she went in he hasn't once asked how she is doing.. which he never does anyway so I don't know why I was shocked by this.

I've got the refusal of calls in solicitors letters and emails, along with refusing to ask how dd was when going through a third party (as he was being abusive). My gp is really good actually so I could always speak to her, she was the one who told me exp won't be taking dd away from me as I'm an amazing mum (ex was going for residency).

And I hate it, dd does too. Even when she doesn't scream at photos of ex she is very indifferent. She sees photos of my grandad who she hasn't ever met and will smile and chat away look at him but if it's her dad will either scream or stare blankly before walking away.