Please please give me all your tips re child arrangements and divorce!

[Grittlelayrabbit]

I am divorcing my husband. We have the Nisi, he’s moved out and is sharing a house an hour away. We have agreed to EOW contact but he says that the children can’t stay with him as it’s just too crowded and his mate whose house it is, doesn’t much like it. And it’s too far. And too hard during lockdown.
So if it’s his weekend he’s actually just taking them for an afternoon out. He doesn’t like to do both days as it’s “too much.” And he’s asked me to contribute to his petrol costs too, or drop them with him, a round trip of 2 hours.

It’s his weekend again and he is telling me he can have them just on Saturday afternoon and “maybe” Sunday “depending on Charlie, he doesn’t like coming here.” I’ve suggested that he takes them out - country walk, chips at the seaside nearby, etc but no.

He is hoping to get his own place once our finances are sorted but that could be months realistically, and whilst I would be happy to never set eyes on him again, the kids would benefit from two parents. He keeps telling me that when he has his own place he will be having the kids a lot more and they may well move in with him.
Financially he is just about holding up his end of the agreements.

So, what’s the best way to proceed? How do I formalise things so that it’s set in stone?

I should add that his having them here in the family home isn’t an option; he was arrested for coercive control, but released without charge, and there’s a long history of control and non violent abuse.

No one?

I don't have any useful advice but am bumping for you. I suspect you might a Child Arrangements order via the family court?

You cant make him see them unfortunately, even if he does agree on paper, if he doesnt actually do it there is nothing you can do about it.

The paperwork should reflect what is actually occurring. If he has them for no overnights then it should say that, it does impact how much child maintenance you get as well.

Tbh it sounds like he's just mucking you about for the pleasure of it and the children's best interests are irrelevant to him. I would back right off, say they are here if you want to pick them up to see you. Don't facilitate, don't engage, don't get drawn into it. Its all just the games abusers play, and the only way out is not play back. Look up 'grey rock'.

If you have no concerns about the safety of DC them put clear boundaries around when he is spending time with them. 4 hours at the weekend or whatever. If you think his behaviour is part of domestic violence /abuse contact an IDVA
If things do end up in court you don't want anyone suggesting parental alienation

It sounds like he is just trying to control you further.

Just work on the basis he won't have them and plan your life accordingly.

Well done on getting rid of him

I would also not put up with him messing you about like this.... if he has been controlling I would assume the “I may have them Sunday/may not” stuff is so you can’t make any plans.....
I would tell HIM when he could see them “We need to formalise your contact with the children as they need to know when they are seeing you for their stability. They will be available from 12-4 Saturdays from now on.”
Don’t let him pick them up if he’s later than say 12.30.... also if he rarely turns up, ie.... doesn’t come and keeps letting the children down then you need to tell him you are cancelling as he doesn’t turn up and he should take you to court for contact. Clear but fair boundaries x

Thankyou everyone. I want to make sure that I’m absolutely covered for if he gets his life together and then tries to rearrange things so that they live with him. And yes, a lot of this is about control, and his doing exactly the opposite of what I ask, even if it’s damaging to the children.

broadbeansleeping I have expressed concern via my solicitor about his attempting parental alienation and he is supposed to be supervised by a particular relative when he has them, to ensure that he doesn’t slag me off to the kids.

What is an IDVA? What else should I do to protect myself? The (classic narc) narrative he’s currently running is that he is entirely innocent, his behaviour has been above reproach and that I manufactured a situation and escalated it resulting in his being arrested, and as such he isn’t safe from my manipulations. The reality is that he’s a drunk and the police arrested him, and kept him overnight in the cells such was the appalling state he was in. They also heard his outstanding verbal abuse of me, in front of the kids. But he’s erased all that from his memory and literally everything is my fault.

dont take them to him, letr him sort his act out and come and get them. it may be better for them if he has them less until he is capable of organising himself and keeping them safe.

I know you want your kids to have a dad but you can’t force anything
Plus the less you deal with him the better
Honestly he sounds like a shit dad
I’d try to text as little as possible

If he wants them he can have them but plan for nothing and don’t chase him up either

I’d he wants them he can text but you really want to minimise contact for your own sanity

Soon the kids can get their own phones and speak to him that way

And he won’t get sole custody
Don’t even entertain it
He doesn’t want them
He just wants to mess your head up
You have split up
OP I strongly recommend the freedom programme
Trust me he will start to fade away as he really doesn’t appear like a man who wants to be a good father

thisisworsethananticipted what’s made you recommend the Freedom program? I did it online a couple of years ago and tbh it was interesting but didn’t feel relevant.

I recommend it as it will give you a lot of empowerment in your dealings with him
A lot of women on it had split already , but needed to support whilst handling co parenting
That’s all . But it’s not mandatory

He needs to step up, I would go to court and make it official, however i think he can't be arses, might be easier to make him come to you to pick them up, and do not pay him petrol money.