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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DF unreasonable for thinking/feeling this?

26 replies

Survivingastorm · 26/11/2020 16:33

So my DF gave birth to her dd at the beginning of this year, due to covid we haven't been able to catch up as much as we would like however following a long call she opened up to me about how she doesn't believe her dh loves or cares for their dd. He has done the following that makes her feel/think this:

No interest in the pregnancy, one night no food in home and her dh refused to go and get some food as it meant losing his parking space
Installed Iso fix incorrectly (car seat was fishing forwards) and got angry at df for correcting him
Did little around home even while she was heavily pregnant and didn't bother packing his hospital bag until she was in labour and ready to go to hospital
Turned off her music playlist while in labour and later said no one was listening to it.
Since baby was born hardly changed a nappy or got involved with any bonding
Gets frustrated and shouts at their dd
Curse at df while out shopping because the adapters for the car seat were forgotten
Moans about df breast feeding in public

I think there is more and that her dh has been calling her crazy but completely sure. Is she being unreasonable to feel that he doesn't love dd? I myself think he is just a selfish w*nker. Also df knows I've posted this.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 26/11/2020 16:36

Doesn't sound like he loves or cares about either of them. Also sounds like a bit of a wanker.

S00LA · 26/11/2020 16:37

@Nottherealslimshady

Doesn't sound like he loves or cares about either of them. Also sounds like a bit of a wanker.
Yup
CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/11/2020 16:37

Yes, he is a selfish wanker and she'll be needing all her friends and family around her until she works out what she wants to do!

It's easy to say, from here, she should tell him to sling his hook, but if he really is that selfish she will need to do so at some point! Nobody can live like that forever!

Turned off her music playlist... ffs!

AryaStarkWolf · 26/11/2020 16:38

@Nottherealslimshady

Doesn't sound like he loves or cares about either of them. Also sounds like a bit of a wanker.
Yep, this ^ Your poor friend, I feel really bad for her
IlovecatsyesIdo · 26/11/2020 16:38

It’s hard to answer the question as to whether he loves DC but I think it goes without saying he is a selfish wanker. He was unsupportive in pregnancy and just the same since DC has been born. Was he always like this or did he change dramatically when DF became pregnant? Was he previously a loving partner?

Wickerbaskets · 26/11/2020 16:40

He sounds like a cunt who doesn’t love or care about either of them. Your poor friend - that is really devastating for her. I’m glad she’s felt able to reach out to you for support. Hopefully it starts her on a path towards ditching her awful husband.

BumBurnerBum · 26/11/2020 16:40

He is a shit and will only get worse. Please support your friend by letting her know his behaviour is unacceptable.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 26/11/2020 16:42

He sounds horrible.

It's kind of irrelevant whether he 'loves' them
Or not, he's not acting in a loving way.
No man would be shouting at my baby.

There's a door, he'd be the other side of it, permanently!

She needs to look at her options for one of them
Leaving, preferably him.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 26/11/2020 16:45

@IlovecatsyesIdo, I am unsure whether he was a loving partner. I always got an off vibe from him, stuff like me and df would be having a laugh and he'd act pissed off, df would then change her behaviour. I did ask her about it and she said that he was lovely just doesn't always outwardly show it. That was at the beginning, then we didn't see each other much for a year or so, but I did notice df losing her spark.

And I'll definitely support her, we've been friends for over half our lives and have always supported each other even when we've not spoken in months.

OP posts:
Wyntersdiary · 26/11/2020 17:03

Yeah honestly doesn't sound like he loves either of them either that or he's just a twat.

I couldn't be with a man like that.

haircutsRus · 26/11/2020 17:04

What a nasty piece of work. It seems like the only person he cares about is himself.

PinkPanther27 · 26/11/2020 17:13

He actually sounds very abusive and controlling. Are you able to download the power and control wheel and share it with her (safely)?

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 26/11/2020 17:50

What was he like before the baby was here..: or has he suddenly changed into this vile person

She needs to ditch him

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 28/11/2020 18:49

@PinkPanther27 I have now shared this with her.

@ForTheLoveOfCatFood I don't know as the only time I've seen him he has been very off and df behaviour has changed and she would then say let's go, so I never got to see him as a husband before their dd arrived.

OP posts:
VetiverAndLavender · 28/11/2020 19:11

I sounds as though he views both his wife and his daughter as inconveniences, but I'd be amazed if he was a good husband before her pregnancy, either.

He's just a generally crappy person, would be my guess.

1FootInTheRave · 28/11/2020 19:32

He is horrid.

Your poor friend ☹

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 28/11/2020 20:30

So df has opened up a bit more and told me he convinced her to get cosmetic surgery and then told all of his friends. So definitely not a good dh before their dd.

I know why she didn't tell me though as I would have ripped him a new one.

OP posts:
S00LA · 28/11/2020 20:38

That’s good she’s confiding in you.

BouncyTigger85 · 28/11/2020 20:39

The man seems absolutely horrible :( how can he moan at her for feeding their child? And while the car seat could be a genuine mistake, there is no need to be angry when corrected, it’s for the child’s safety FFS.

One question that is completely irrelevant, is it usual for birth partners to have a bag for the hospital? Didn’t occur to me and my husband, but I guess it makes sense if you’re in there a long time during labour.

SonjaHeniesTutu · 28/11/2020 20:41

Did you mean that he is yelling at a newborn? WTF, she should LTB

Strangedayindeed · 28/11/2020 20:43

Selfish abusive twat- the husband not your friend.

marly11 · 28/11/2020 20:52

If she's been able to put this into words and share it I would suggest that she knows in her heart things are pretty bad. Once the words are out then the process has started, so her reassuring you before, that things were ok, was when she was still trying to protect and normalise his behaviour. Now something has shifted. That's a big first step.It is great she is now seeing you more and not allowing that to be controlled after your time of not seeing her. He sounds like my first DH in terms of some of the behaviours you describe. Well done to her for realising it was not ok and disclosing to you early on. She will need her friends. And men like him often become controlling and much worse once they realise the woman is actually independent enough to do something about it instead of submitting to their suggestions about altering their body or having their environments controlled.
If she does decide to make changes, hopefully you can advise her to put her plans in place carefully and slowly without him knowing.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 28/11/2020 21:06

@SonjaHeniesTutu yes shouting at their dd, I think it's what had put a nail in the coffin but I also think with covid she is unsure if what to do.

@BouncyTigger85 I thought the same re the bag for her husband but she said that their nct class suggested it in case they had to stay in long, stuff like food for dh so he wouldn't have to leave. I honestly feel so bad for her, she told me he didn't even help her into the hospital just walked off with the bags, I even felt like crying for her.

@marly11 as someone who has been through this should I tell her to leave him or just be a supportive ear and only offer my opinion when she asks?

OP posts:
marly11 · 28/11/2020 21:22

@Survivingastorm I think what people commonly say is that people often don't listen to that kind of direct advice in that situation. I was horrified after the event that other people close to me said, once I had left him, 'I never liked him - I was always concerned' and I couldn't understand why they didn't say so before. I am a direct speaker and like that way of interacting but maybe in the early stages of love I wouldn't have listened. I don't think you can advise her to leave him but you can make it clear that she has choices and that it is her life to control - and that to bring up her child in a toxic environment may not be what she chooses. And that you will support her choices... even if she changes her mind. Though the best bit of advice I had when I did say I was leaving was someone who said to me 'if that's what you have decided, stick with your decision - don't keep going back and forward.' She may feel, as I did, that if the child is very young they won't remember any change from 'norm' so it's easier to go now than leave it for a few years when the DD is aware of disruption and change.

user1825894133270 · 28/11/2020 21:29

This is coercive control. He's abusing your friend.

Don't tell her what to do - that's just replicating his pattern of abuse. Be the trusted person she needs who doesn't minimise or dismiss his abuse, but who listens to her and validates her gut instinct that this isn't right.

She needs to be ready to leave and to have made her own decision. Telling her to leave won't work, and is also likely to be felt as if you're judging her for being with him which will make it harder for her to progress towards feeling able to leave.

The guidance here is safe and correct:

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

Doing the Freedom Programme yourself may help you support your friend better. When she feels able, it would be a very good thing for her to do.

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