Been with DP for 8 years. It’s not been without it’s ups and downs but these days we’re pretty solid. Always been very loving to each other but there were also some big bust ups. However the fact that we’re still standing after some major fallouts is due to the good times being so very good.
We put the success down to a few things.
Firstly foot rubs and back tickles - we don’t live together but we see each other 3 times a week. That in itself is a help, as we have a chance to miss each other (much like those advocating separate hobbies etc). And he always gives me a foot rub while we watch TV, then I give him a back tickle afterwards. It’s a little transactional, but that’s why it works as we both like to be nice to the other, but also know that means we get to enjoy our own side too! Same goes for bedroom stuff - I always get everything I need first and then it’s his turn, to make sure he doesn’t peak too early!
Communication and setting expectations is probably the main thing - that caused most of our arguments tbh. He would tell me he’s coming over then something cropped up with his ex or work etc and then he’d leave it until the last minute before letting me know he wasn’t coming (mainly because he hates letting people down, so would always make promises to me and to the kids, then have to let someone (usually me!) down).
We keep in touch during the day, with little messages (“missing you, can’t wait to see you later” etc or just memes or photos etc.). I particularly need to know that he hasn’t totally forgotten me when we’re apart, but he also appreciates it and will often say that something nice I’ve said brings a tear to his eye. Just that little moment of love from afar means a lot.
We kiss a lot, not just in bed. A six second kiss on arrival (now I’ve convinced him to shave before he comes over!) and when he leaves, plus smooches and hugs throughout the evening. He knows that making me tea will make me happy, and I stroke his arm while we sit together.
We take regular (kid free) holidays when the kids are with their other parents. A bit of solid time to reconnect is so important.
In terms of things NOT to do, I’ve finally managed to teach him to never utter the words “time of the month is it?” during an argument 🤬 but generally speaking, taking a bit of time to process and then coming back together after an argument helps. We used to try and hash it out, but like most people I think it was just the same argument again and again, so now we just let it go and move on.
We make sure we always have a Netflix series on the go, and woe betide anyone who watches it behind the other ones back!
We both buy each other little things at the shop that the other one likes, just favourite chocolate etc and we both say I love you - or a more specific variation of it - often.