To think the the term 'self-regulate' is demeaning?

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This is a term I'd never heard used in general conversation before joining mumsnet, but since I've joined I've seen it pop up everywhere.

It's often used in the context of giving teens more freedom (e.g. 'DD needs to learn to self-regulate her screen time'). Sometimes I come across it in threads related to adults ('DH can't self-regulate his drinking'). The latter makes me laugh.

In both contexts, I find the term extremely demeaning.

If you'd have asked me last year to take a stab at who needs to learn to 'self-regulate,' I'd have said very young children who haven't yet learnt they will be sick if they eat too much.

To stick with the example of a teen who has been up all night on their phone and is now tired - team 'self-regulate' would jump in with 'they need to learn to self-regulate their use of their phone' or the more sinister 'they have proved they cannot self-regulate - take it off them'.

The issue I have with this example is the amount of phone use that is considered the 'right' amount is set by the parent. This amount is usually the amount required not to be tired the next day for school. Obviously this comes from a good place.

However, using the term in this context completely takes agency away from the teen. It assumes a default position of the parent's view of the world being 'correct' i.e. the unequivocal 'best' thing for the teen is for them to get some sleep and wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed for school.

I agree that teens do need some guidance here, but when I hear that 15 year olds apparently can't 'self-regulate' because they use their phones at night, it gets my hackles up. They are making their own decisions around what they want to do, just because it deviates from what you want them to do doesn't mean they can't 'self-regulate'.

Going to go out on a limb and say the best thing for a teen isn't always being wide awake in the morning. If they're having a hard time, for example, they can find an awful lot of solace in late night conversations with friends, sharing heartfelt feelings that just wouldn't come up in daytime chit chat. Could really help their mental health. Personally, I stayed up playing with the HTML of my MySpace page and now make a very good wage in an IT role. IT in school was crap and I wouldn't have developed an interest in it from that. I know that's a personal example, but you know, just saying. What's 'best' for your teen isn't always that clear cut.

To put it another way, sometimes I find myself on mumsnet at 2am when I have work in the morning. Is this demonstrative of my inability to 'self-regulate'? What about when I have an extra bag of crisps? Or go on a Netflix binge? Do I need someone to step in because I clearly can't self-regulate? I'd be rather annoyed if they did. In fact, if someone I lived with took the crisps out of my hands or took my laptop off me 'for my own good' I would consider that abuse.

I'm a grown woman, but to me that doesn't give me additional 'rights' over a teen. And if someone told me I couldn't 'self-regulate' (or made this clear in their actions) I would be offended and feel infantilised. I might even believe them.

Just some thoughts... (:

ok

Good for you. I'm totally up for tyranising teenagers personally. They can fuck up their own lives once they're 18, right now it's my job.

Two things: yep, teens aren't considered autonomous, because they usually have some growing up to do before they're capable of living independently.

Also, 'self' is redundant in that context as his/her is also in there

I've never seen that term tbh. I think it's another way to say self discipline, which is a life skill you do need to learn. It's fine to be a night owl, but if I stayed up til 2am in the week i'd be useless at work the next day. Weekends I'm up til 3 because I can lie in . And teen 'heartfelt chats' are not only at night . Next doors teen is never off Skype to her mates. It's all day every day.

You ok hun?

@CSIblonde

I've never seen that term tbh. I think it's another way to say self discipline, which is a life skill you do need to learn. It's fine to be a night owl, but if I stayed up til 2am in the week i'd be useless at work the next day. Weekends I'm up til 3 because I can lie in . And teen 'heartfelt chats' are not only at night . Next doors teen is never off Skype to her mates. It's all day every day.

I don't mean to imply heartfelt charts happen exclusively at night. If that came across my wording is at fault.

Are you 15?

@CatsGoPurrrr

You ok hun?

not too bad thanks, hope same for you

@Clymene

Are you 15?

I was once 🙂

Me too. Hence the heartfelt belief in a bit of light tyranny.

To stick with the example of a teen who has been up all night on their phone and is now tired - team 'self-regulate' would jump in with 'they need to learn to self-regulate their use of their phone' or the more sinister 'they have proved they cannot self-regulate - take it off them'.

I tend to think of self regulation in terms of emotions, being able to self regulate is a skill learned through relationship with other who can help children not be overwhelmed by their feelings and over time they learn to cope emotionally.

What you’re talking about for me is self management and if said teenager is up all night on their phone I’d worry about the impact on their physical and mental health if not getting enough sleep. I think it’s a key part of parenting to help children learn self management and so we’d be talking about healthy use of tech and how they balance all of their other health needs and their responsibilities at home and at school. Part of that would be agreeing limits for use. Teenagers need boundaries - and to push against those boundaries - it’s part of the developmental stage they’re in. Parents don’t stop parenting at 15.

@Porcupineinwaiting

Me too. Hence the heartfelt belief in a bit of light tyranny.

Light tyranny I'm all for (key word being light!) - it really is just the term 'self-regulate' I have issue with. And the context it is used e.g. when a teen's decision to stay up all night is held up as an example of their 'inability' to self-regulate when I'm reality it was a decision they actively made, by this time in their life, knowing the implications. Maybe not knowing the implications from adult's point of view, but enough to make their own decisions. Not saying i wouldn't step in if my teen literally was up all night every night, but I wouldn't say of them they couldn't 'self-regulate'. I would say they were making short term decisions that had the potential to negatively impact their future (hence the potential stepping in).

I just get hung up on wording :) I'm interested in the psychology of linguistics and this particular term I feel has the potential to do some damage.

sometimes I find myself on mumsnet at 2am when I have work in the morning. Is this demonstrative of my inability to 'self-regulate'? What about when I have an extra bag of crisps? Or go on a Netflix binge?

Well, yes. We all do this stuff obviously, but still, that’s what it pretty much is.

Do I need someone to step in because I clearly can't self-regulate?

No. You’re an adult and the behaviours you describe are pretty normal. If a child or teenager occasionally did this I don’t think it would be a big deal either, but if they’re getting locked into an unhealthy pattern at a young age then of course someone should step in and try to guide them.

Otoh if you as an adult took it to a much greater extreme, like (first example I can think of) you were bingeing on drink and then getting in your car to drive, then yes you would need someone to step in.

Oh I see, you’re objecting to the actual term?

I don’t particularly love it either, agree with the pp that self management is probably more accurate. I was responding more to your hypothetical scenarios

@Porcupineinwaiting

Good for you. I'm totally up for tyranising teenagers personally. They can fuck up their own lives once they're 18, right now it's my job.

This

I've used the term with regards to my teens but they both have an asd and it's known that young people with an asd are unable to self-regulate many aspects of their lives.

@Comefromaway

I've used the term with regards to my teens but they both have an asd and it's known that young people with an asd are unable to self-regulate many aspects of their lives.

To me this is an example of the correct and appropriate use of the term.

One thing I did find funny was parents charging rent to teens so they learn to budget

Having gone into university at 18 I did not meet one single student who wasn't aware that they had to prioritise the rent for the roof over their head and they could not spend that money and not pay the rent.

Parents on here seriously doubt what they have taught their kids or think their teens are imbeciles

Charging rent when they don't need it i mean

Charging rent to teens when you need the money is entirely different

@ShortSilence

sometimes I find myself on mumsnet at 2am when I have work in the morning. Is this demonstrative of my inability to 'self-regulate'? What about when I have an extra bag of crisps? Or go on a Netflix binge?

Well, yes. We all do this stuff obviously, but still, that’s what it pretty much is.

Do I need someone to step in because I clearly can't self-regulate?

No. You’re an adult and the behaviours you describe are pretty normal. If a child or teenager occasionally did this I don’t think it would be a big deal either, but if they’re getting locked into an unhealthy pattern at a young age then of course someone should step in and try to guide them.

Otoh if you as an adult took it to a much greater extreme, like (first example I can think of) you were bingeing on drink and then getting in your car to drive, then yes you would need someone to step in.

To be clear, I do agree that stepping in is required on occasion. I am not for completely hands off parenting :) my issue is with the term being used to suggest a teen who stays up is 'lacking' the ability to self-regulate - I don't think they are, they are making a conscious decision. I don't think the term is helpful in this context, I think it's potentially harmful. I agree that they would be making a short term decision that might negatively impact them at a later date and subsequently some form of 'stepping in' may be required (depending on the teen/situation).

@Newuser991

One thing I did find funny was parents charging rent to teens so they learn to budget

Having gone into university at 18 I did not meet one single student who wasn't aware that they had to prioritise the rent for the roof over their head and they could not spend that money and not pay the rent.

Parents on here seriously doubt what they have taught their kids or think their teens are imbeciles

This made me think of a teacher who used to tell us the purpose of wearing a uniform so we could 'learn how to dress' ... we were 16 at the time

Do you have teens yourself?

I can't comment on this thread yet, as my children aren't teenagers. Am worried that any comments I make will come back to haunt me in a few years time! (Like how I said I would never let my babies sleep in my bed, but now wake most mornings with a 7 year old snoring on my pillow...)

Life is one big learning curve.

Of course self regulation is something we have to learn.

Teenagers don't tend to make the right choices so it's a balancing act of giving some freedom and stepping in. Choosing to make a negative choice because of an inability to see the bigger picture is an issue of self regulation because someone with that skill would be better placed to judge whether following the group chat till 1am or watching tiktok was really a decent use of their time.

@LolaSmiles

Life is one big learning curve.

Of course self regulation is something we have to learn.

Teenagers don't tend to make the right choices so it's a balancing act of giving some freedom and stepping in. Choosing to make a negative choice because of an inability to see the bigger picture is an issue of self regulation because someone with that skill would be better placed to judge whether following the group chat till 1am or watching tiktok was really a decent use of their time.

I think this might be exactly the issue. A grown adult has a broader sense of perspective than a teen, so views the teen's decision to stay up late as a 'self-regulation' issue.

There is a strong argument to say than an event older/more worldly adult has a greater sense of perspective than a young adult. They could by the same vein view the younger adult's decision to stay up late as a 'self-regulation' issue.

However, both teen and young adult are making active decisions. I don't think it's right to say they don't have the ability to 'self-regulate' just because their decision doesn't tie in with the opinion of the oldest/wisest person in the room.

As I've added to posters above, I'm not saying to everyone - let your teens do what they want when they want! I'm just saying the term implies a 'lack' of something, which isn't necessarily the case. They are demonstrating agency. I find the term inappropriate in this sense.