I lost three babies and my experience at the hospital felt pretty horrific - AIBU?

[ovlovo]

Just to warn people this is potentially triggering because it relates to pregnancy loss. But something related happened to me a couple of years ago now and I wondered whether it was 'normal' or how I should feel about it. I am really prompted to write this as y public figures who I think have very helpfully spoken openly about their losses, and it is sort of bringing things back.

Anyway, what happened to me is that I lost three babies in a row for chromosomal abnormalities. Each time I got to three months, went for the scan, and was told they were not viable. Although all were alive at that point. Each time I had to have a termination for medical reasons (TMFR). That was obviously horrific in itself but what was also quite awful was that on every occasion I was simply taken out of the scan, given the number of a Marie Stopes clinic, and told to go off and arrange the termination myself. Which I did.

It was really traumatic. I understood then as I do now that the NHS hospital was really busy but nevertheless being sent away with a phone number in my hand felt really brutal. I just wondered whether this was normal and whether anyone else had been through similar?Maybe AIBU. I don't know.

Oh goodness, didn't mean to have vote button there!

Hi OP, I'm so sorry for your three losses, that sounds very upsetting.

Unfortunately I think it's fairly standard to be left to it. I suppose they see it several times a day and I found the staff very matter of fact about it all. When I had a miscarriage last year I was sent home after the medical management with a leafletand that was that. They rang me 2 weeks later to see if I had a negative test.

I would look into getting some grief counselling, I really wish it was offered as standard to all women after losses but I guess it's so very common it just wouldn't be do-able.

I think you should have actually been spoken with by a consultant or someone about what actually your options are.

The fact that your babies were alive meant that potentially the pregnancy was viable it may have meant they were unlikely to survive or have severe disabilities but that should have been discussed with you

You should also have been given information on who you can contact for support and advice.

I hope Marie stopes treated you with kindness and sympathy and provided advice and support.

I am so sorry for your loses

I would also think that you maybe would need a referral to genetics to see if this is likely to happen again and what if anything can be done to prevent it.

Oh, Op, I am so sorry for your losses .

I'm afraid I don't know whether the way you were treated is normal, but I would agree with your description of it as brutal. I think in your shoes I would start a conversation with PALS, who are not just there to handle formal complaints but to support patients to make sense of their experiences, get answers and information, provide feedback and so on.

Thanks Shalom, I thought that was likely but I think I sort of buried it at the time and it's just really useful to know that it was a 'normal' experience.

And everybody else. OurChristmas - the chromosomal abnormalities meant that the babies really were not viable, at least I can be sure of that, and that is at least a relief as I did not have to make a terrible decision each time. It seems that my body holds on to babies that many others would miscarry at an early stage. Or at least, that is what I was told. I am too old now and have put further tries to rest! But thanks to everybody for replying.

I had a termination at the start of the year for medical reasons and yes I had to arrange my own termination with Marie Stopes. From what I gather, the NHS aren't really involved in that way. They don't even do terminations locally here so I had to travel over an hour.
I'm sorry for your losses.

♥️♥️♥️

I have to say if there was one area in the UK that I could totally reform, it would be how women are treated in pregnancy and related situations. It should be standard for you to have total wraparound care, to be supported mentally and physically through this loss, to have genuine aftercare too.

I’m so sorry for what you went through, and that the care you got met bare medical necessity rather than being actually supportive.

I'm really sorry for your losses. At the very least I think they should have discussed genetic counselling, although I'm not sure whether you have any children previously. Were all the chromosome abnormalities the same each time?

I had my 4th miscarriage last year. First Pregnancy I've had scans for though. Part of me knew right from the start something was wrong as Baby wasn't there and they measured me 2 weeks behind. I knew the date we'd conceived. Next scan a week later showed the start of something but no heartbeat. I started spotting brown blood 3 days later but at the time wasn't concerned because I also had a SCH then it turned bright red and I was passing clots. Diagnosed with a kidney infection but because it was a Saturday night they couldn't scan me. Had an appointment on the Monday at the EPAU for my 9 week scan knew before I'd even got there the Baby had gone. I didn't feel Pregnant anymore and all my symptoms had disappeared. The part where I was told I'd lost the Baby and the follow up with the consultant was fine. It was what followed in the days and weeks after that left a bad taste in my mouth. I ended up in A&E in significant amounts of pain and heavy bleeding. Eventually put into a day ward after a few hours of being in an A&E cubicle and then out in the corridor. On one side of me was one Male, on the other side was a woman and her husband and opposite me was also a Male. After waiting for another couple of hours a female doctor came round and asked me some questions then arranged for some IV paracetamol. Still had to wait for the gynaecologist to come down. Gynaecologist eventually came and loudly said so you think you're having a miscarriage then. I was like no I don't think I'm having a miscarriage I know I'm having a miscarriage. Disappears to go get a huge lamp. Wouldn't let the nurse who was there hold my hand during the examination. That was fine I could cope with that. It meant I could rightly grip the sides of the bed. What made me feel so uncomfortable and undignified was the loud conversation about what was happening and the pulling clots that were stuck in my cervix, all whilst knowing people were all around me listening. Eventually able to leave once I'd gotten an emergency scan in for the following day. Went back to the EPAU but told I needed to go down to the ultrasound department instead. That was hard seeing all the Pregnant women, but what was even harder was the woman doing the scan. Came out to call me in all happy and jolly and like so then I bet you're looking forward to seeing your Baby aren't you? Obviously hadn't bothered reading the form EPAU had sent down. I just mumbled no not really my Baby's dead. Did the scan and told me the sac had collapsed and with a tinkly little laugh said she was sorry and left me to it. Skip forward 3 weeks and the pregnancy test I did was still positive, told to retest again 2 weeks later which I did and it was still positive, back in for a scan the following week and I still had 15 mm of tissue inside me. Given my options, continue to miscarry naturally, medication or D&c I chose medication because by now I'd been miscarrying for 5 weeks. They kind of put me off a D&c when they told me it might affect my fertility in the future. It had already taken me over 15 years to conceive so I wasn't taking any risks. Took the medication. Passed the 15mm of tissue, absolutely no idea what it was I passed but it looked very much like a Baby just not developed. I will add that 5 weeks prior I had had significant amounts of heavy bleeding where I was soaking a pad every 5-10 mins for a period of over two hours and passing huge clots so I just assumed everything had come away then because the bleeding slowed down. Had another scan a few days later and everything was gone. Went back in for the consultation appointment and when they asked me what the outcome was and I said all gone. They cheered. They actually fucking cheered

I really think we need to remind hospitals that although they see nonviable babies all the time, it is actually not "normal" for the woman going through it. No, you cant save the baby. Yes, it happens to a lot of women at some point in their lives. But it's still traumatic and upsetting and they really dont seem to understand that.
I'm sorry you've lost three babies, I lost one in august, earlier than you though and it happened by its self, i can't imagine how hard it was for you.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I went through the same twice, the second being at the end of 2nd semester. Might be flamed , but this is why I went private for my pregnancies.
I have heard too many examples and experiences. The care was worlds apart. I had one at 12 weeks as well and my doctor arranged everything including grief counselling.
It may be normal in terms of many women going through this BUT I do believe that this type of situation requires extra special care and with pregnancy in general.

That sounds so clinical and unkind OP. I am sorry for your losses. You may be better supported with counselling or grief counselling.

And you too Lozz22.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had exactly the same experience in that I has 3 babies die at around 13 - 14 weeks. One single and one set of twins but in my case the hospital where I had the scan booked me in the same day for a D&C so that I had the minimal amount of distress. The whole experience was horrible and distressing but could have been far worse if the hospital had not been so good. I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm shocked that other hospitals don't organise TFMR.
I had a TFMR in Dec 2018 at 22+4 and my hospital sorted everything for me with kindness and compassion.