AIBU in having no idea how to improve this situation (School related- might be wrong board)

[HubertHerbert]

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post - if not could somebody direct me to the appropriate board?

I'm at a loss with what to do with my daughter, she's 6 and is having a terrible time at school (which she used to love) over lockdown all the previous staff (literally all bar 1, who she only gets one day a week anyway) left and so there was a lot of initial turmoil which I hoped would settle eventually. It hasn't.

She began with OCD symptoms - very anxious that she's ingested something dangerous/poisonous when nobody is looking and she's been unable to remember, constant questions over how dangerous things are (pens, paper towels, glue) and how likely it might be that she's accidently eaten something and if she could die, the school did phone as obviously she was very anxious at school - her teacher seemed reasonable and perceived the situation as I did, and we both agreed that not making a big deal, quick reassurance and move on is the best way to handle it.

It has improved, on a day to day basis she's not holding her clothing over her face anymore (in case she eats poisoned berries) and isn't asking every ten mins. She was also worried she would run out in front of cars. These things are easy to reassure her with. But now the focus is on death, people she loves, me and her Dad and other loved family members dying, she is waking in the night because she dreams her family has died. As she says, people do die and I can't guarantee her that they won't. All I can do is stress that it's high unlikely to happen anytime soon and focus on nice things in the here and now.

The real problem though, is school. She has a very poor relationship with her teacher. Her teacher seems reasonable on the phone and I hoped maintaining a good relationship might lead to some improvement. I don't know how to approach the situation.

Apparently this teacher is mean, and has turned all the other teachers against her. I know this might sound like an extension of the anxious thoughts and negative thinking but I'm wondering if it could be the cause. I asked a couple of other parents who did say the teacher seemed particularly strict, others said their school loving child had had said teacher for a day or two and absolutely hated teacher and school afterwards. But the level of school hating overall is unique to my child it seems.

Initially my daughter complained at having to repeat workbooks that she had done over lockdown, which were fine for her then, it wasn't a challenge, but my daughter says it's for babies and what's the point in repeating them. I'm inclined to agree - the teacher said she wasn't doing her work in class,I suggested that might be why, could she try something a bit different (or same level but different books?) I suggested these books could be sent home and I could encourage her to complete it if it had to be done.

In recent days my daughter says she's being kept in most break/lunchtimes over the past fortnight to complete unfinished work. My feeling is this is even more likely to lead to her viewing class time as social time if that's her only opportunity.

And this morning she said that she would like to move school because if she wasn't there making this teacher angry all the time everyone else would be much happier.

I can't really work out what's true - I did ask the teacher if she's acting up at school and the teacher said no. Only problem is she doesn't do her work in class. Another friends child from the same class said my daughter had been in big trouble for a seemingly minor infraction last week...

I just don't know what to do. Teachers have a hard job, I don't want to make it more difficult,I don't think any good will come of phoning and asking what's going on,I don't know how to approach it. But I worry her negative experience in school is fuelling her anxiety.

Aibu in having no idea what I can do to improve this situation?

Any thoughts welcome

Her anxiety may well be colouring her perception of what is happening in the classroom but this would be even more of a cause to talk to the school about it. This has been a terrible time for everyone but, for a six year old, it would have turned her world upside down, then she goes back to something that is familiar to find this has changed as well.Talk to her teacher, explain what your daughter has said, and ask how you both can support her then write to the school, you don’t have to say anything negative about the teacher just that this is how your daughter sees things and this is how you and the teacher hope to help her, also ask if there is anything else home and school can do. This way your daughter is helped, the teacher isn’t vilified but, if the teacher is the problem the school will be warned.
The fact that she is asking to move schools to make everyone happy is too much for a six year old’s shoulders.

There's a Primary education board which may be able to help if you don't get enough expertise on this one.

Putting the mental health aspect to one side, usually you would ask for a meeting with the teacher and say 'DD doesn't seem happy at school, she says …...' and see what the response is, and try to come up with a plan. Keeping a child in repeatedly isn't on, particularly now. If that doesn't bring about required change you would talk to the HT.

In parallel you can investigate moving schools, are there any in the area with spaces. (Assuming England there are infant class size rules they can't go above.)

The OCD/Anxiety added in makes it a bit harder, but potentially gives you an 'in' with the SENCO at the school, so worth contacting them. If you haven't already contact your GP, who probably won't do anything but may refer you to a support group or CAMHS if bad enough. Don't hold your breath for CAMHS, my DD was referred in May and we are still waiting.

Thank you very much - this really does help

Hi im sorry to hear your daughter is unhappy. My son is 10 and we have gone through many years of this with him. It comes in waves and we can have six months where he will be fine and then something will trigger him and we'll have six months of terrible anxiety and worry. The most recent for us was fear of choking, which meant he almost stopped eating. Was awful. But its like it never happened now.
How he feels at school is completely dependent on what teacher he has. Last year was a horrible strict teacher, my sons anxiety was through the roof. This year he has a brilliant teacher and is doing really well at the moment.
My only advice I can give is treat all her points as valid, give constant support and reassurance, keep communicating with school and make them aware of her worries when she has them.

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear your daughter is struggling. I'm a Primary teacher specialising in ASN and social emotional issues, firstly I'd say it's hugely frowned upon to keep children in over any break for punitive purposes or to push them to finish work. It's against the UNRC Rights of the Child to take away the right to play. It's bad practice to isolate an anxious child in any way. I'm wondering if the school have directly told you this is happening? Perhaps your daughter is anxious in play and has indicated she needs an inside break. The school should have discussed any strategy like this with you first, it's very unusual practice.
It may help you to work on teaching your daughter self regulating strategies. There are simple things like breathing techniques for kids, expressive drawings you can do with her open up and reassure any worries, sensory strategies might help to soothe and regulate anxiety, Theraputty is great, you can keep a tiny bit in a pocket or do the more technical exercises at home, you can find info on sensory needs on NHS websites for occupational therapy, if you target the right one simple things can make a big impact. Is she sleeping OK? Anything that helps her reframe or control the anxiety will help. There are many resources, booklets, strategy cards, videos. online if you're stuck feel free to msg me. I hope you get the help you need, it's a tough time for young kids. Good luck

Thank you - this is really helpful, I had never heard of theraputty, but this might be useful for her, she used to bite her nails and fingers absolutely raw but stopped when she became anxious she'd accidently poison herself, but she does fidget a lot when anxious.

I spoke to the school who said she wasn't being kept in for entire breaks, so that's something and they said they would try and get in contact with the nurse.

I'll have a Google - she does sleep OK generally and I try and make sure she has a good routine and maximises the amount she sleeps, she often wakes in the night anyway and comes in with me but only recently instead of going straight to sleep she starts talking about her worries and nightmares of death and everyone dying.

I'm glad to hear your son is well at the moment Tealuver

Thanks again