To expect my daughter's dad to do some ACTUAL parenting?!

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Huge backstory, some of you may have read my posts before. Daughter is 17 and in final year of A levels. Have been divorced from her dad for coming up to 10 years. He was abusive and emotionally controlling throughout our marriage and has eventually driven his daughter away through similar controlling behaviour, although up until a few months ago she was still seeing him once a week.

She stopped contact because he moved in with his new partner and although they designated a bedroom as hers for when she wanted to stay, her dad sleeps in it when she's not there and doesn't change the sheets/leaves his shit everywhere so that actually it's not a room for her any more. I know in MN world kids shouldn't expect a bedroom for themselves if they're only staying with their NR parent once a week, but she says she doesn't feel welcome there because she doesn't have her own space to chill out in. (Also she has to study, obviously).

I just feel that the burden of everything is on me. He rocks up once in a while to take her out for a walk or whatever and then I have to pick up the pieces because it inevitably leaves her mental health in a bad state when she's seen him. This week he started to question her choice of university course when she'd already made it clear to him what she was applying to do. He's disappointed that she's not applying for medicine or similar as this is the vocation that HE wants for her so that he can brag to all his friends about 'my daughter the doctor' (he's a massive social-climbing snob). So she feels like she has to constantly attempt to please him in other ways whilst at the same time realising deep down that she's never going to live up to his high expectations.

I know he's never going to change and I have to support her through this as best I can, and that's what I have been doing. But most of the time I feel like a lone parent bringing her up on my own because he has nothing of any value to add and just makes her feel shit about herself.

I don't know what I'm asking really, just needed a bit of a rant. Sometimes the mental load is too much.

Sounds to me like he doesnt know his own daughter very well and doesnt know what would make her happy. He will regret this going forward OP I promise you. She doesnt need him or his advice,she has you to depend and rely on. If she gets stressed with his over bearing attempts at interfereing with her career options(not that he is entitled to an opinion he is but its only his opinion and her choice and decision) then she could say "Thanks dad I will look into that and see howit falls with my plans " then do her own thing! Non comittal.non confrontational,pillock dad will feel like he is being heard and his ego massaged and she can do her own thing happily. Its hard,sounds like he is clutching at staws in a last ditch attempt to have any influence,but as you say its too little too late and any meaningful relationship he has with your daughter now has to be on adult terms ...Your daughter by now will know what you have done for her soley and his opinions wont matter.Sounds like you have and continue to be the bedrock for your girl and he has maybe realised he has left it too late....

You're right, he doesn't know her at all. But what frustrates me is her continuing need to try and please him. If I try and tell her he'll never change I end up being the bad guy. It's a difficult one.

Have you read Adam Kay's book? He was a doctor not because he wanted to be but because his parents expected him to be and it seemed obvious he wasnt suited to it. It's a hard enough job anyway even if you love it, pressuring someone to do it is really stupid and short sighted.

Anyway I digress. The need to try and please parents so that they love you is engrained in most people especially if their parents arent so awful that they have cut contact completely. I think the only thing that would help here is counselling as it takes a lot of work to believe you are good enough and that it doesn't matter what your parents think about you. And the only thing that you can do is try and make sure she feels loved and do whatever you can to give her self esteem and belief in her own choices but it's easier said than done I think

I have actually yes, and I encouraged her to read it at the time but she didn't want to. Completely agree with what you're saying. She actually doesn't have good enough grades to get into medicine realistically, but he's blind to that and thinks she can magically pull 3 A*'s out the bag. Don't get me wrong, she's clever. But med students have to be outstanding.

I have considered counselling as she went through a period of having panic attacks. She seemed to be getting better so we didn't go down that route in the end.

I can sympathise. I am an older version of your daughter!
My parents divorced when I was a little older so I have been spared having to live between houses. My Dad remarried and his wife will have nothing to do with me and makes my contact with him very difficult.
Despite him being really quite shit, deeply unreliable and mentally cruel I have put up with it for a long long time. We've had some rather one sided rows when I have got angry and he just waits for me to calm down. There's never any apology (he's not sorry).
Without wishing to depress you, this went on like this for more than 20 years. I've been holding on due to there being a younger sibling involved.
However, the final straw for me was realising that I was allowing him to affect my own DD despite him only seeing her a handful of times in her life. Because of how it upsets me and was still affecting my behaviour some of the time.
I am still in contact, but it is sporadic and on my terms despite him constantly trying to suck me back in.
My own mum sadly passed away a few years ago. She was amazing actually and despite the battering I put myself through she would always be there to dust me down and make me smile even though she must have wanted to shake me and make me stop trying.
No magic words really, as a child you want very much for your parents to love and care and the crumbs you get from an indifferent or narcissistic parent can seem enough until you realise you deserve better.

@Beamur that's really hard and you're right, it does make slightly depressing reading. I'm glad you've managed to deal with your dad on your own terms now. I'd like my daughter to come to that realisation sooner but I don't know whether that's realistic. She also has a younger sibling, her half brother was born this year and is treated like the second coming in her dad's house and is referred to by her as 'the replacement child' so I'm sure this just adds to her feelings of inadequacy.

Yes, my Dad had another daughter. Which is probably the only reason I kept in touch with him for the last 15 years! Another tortuous story I won't bore you with, but she has only recently been told about me. On the plus side, she and I are now in touch outside of our controlling parents and that's really nice.
I feel for your DD as there probably isn't a happy resolution for her relationship with her Dad but hopefully she will have the self worth and esteem to deal with it.
Weirdly, I think my situation helped me when I became a step parent myself as I was determined not to be as horrible as my Dad's wife had been to me! So my SC's and DD are all treated as siblings, there's no 'jokes' about replacement families etc.

It is really hard and its so bloody annoying that despite the hard work we put in as a single parent the other parent still seems to court so much attention. It may be because he's paid for her education that he feels entitled to pay back via a prestigious uni course, bullshit of course but that's often how it works when kids are privately educated (I work in the system). He will lose out in the long term and he may have a 'replacement child' but he must be bloody knackered and that won't stay shiny for years to come. Her education should hopefully have enabled her to become a confident, thoughtful and forward looking individual and with this in mind she needs to tell her dad firmly that her choice of uni course is for her to decide and it will not be based on his expectation. It is refreshing to see that you are realistic about such courses, many parents are blinkered. She could always say 'I've got something to tell you, I'm pregnant' and then when he's finished spluttering say 'actually it's not that but I've applied for whatever at wherever'...

It sounds like she's finding her feet with realising what he's like. It will have taken a lot to stand up to him over the room and the comments about her baby sibling show she realises she's low in his priorities.

Let her get there in her own time. One of my girls seen through her Dad and walked away at 15. The other took until 18 before she wanted to cut ties with him.

Your DD will get there in the end. Just support her and whilst I don't think you should start any slating of her Dad you can back up her feelings when she brings them up.

It took me a few times of saying "Well that's daft imo. I'm very proud of you with the effort you put in to get on your course" to undo my DD's Dad's bitching about her course choice. However, DD would instantly have got defensive if I'd phrased it as "You're Dad is an idiot".

You'll actually be better off once you are a completely lone parent. Atm he's causing problems that you have to help deal with. Once she gets fed up of him (and she will) it'll be easier as there won't be the negativity.

@Kabakofte

It is really hard and its so bloody annoying that despite the hard work we put in as a single parent the other parent still seems to court so much attention. It may be because he's paid for her education that he feels entitled to pay back via a prestigious uni course, bullshit of course but that's often how it works when kids are privately educated (I work in the system). He will lose out in the long term and he may have a 'replacement child' but he must be bloody knackered and that won't stay shiny for years to come. Her education should hopefully have enabled her to become a confident, thoughtful and forward looking individual and with this in mind she needs to tell her dad firmly that her choice of uni course is for her to decide and it will not be based on his expectation. It is refreshing to see that you are realistic about such courses, many parents are blinkered. She could always say 'I've got something to tell you, I'm pregnant' and then when he's finished spluttering say 'actually it's not that but I've applied for whatever at wherever'...

You are spot on re the private education. I think he feels like she 'owes' him.