My friends exhaust me

[CrotchBurn]

Disclaimer: they are totally normal, great people. I think I'M the problem not them.

Just wanted to see if I'm alone in feeling this way.

Sometimes it feels almost like a part time job, catching up with people, returning phone calls, responding to whatsapp, etc.

So it feels like I work all day and then at the back of my mind it's like...."Fuck, I told X we would catch up on the phone this week and it's already thursday". And Y sent me multiple texts and I havent responded yet. Z sent me WhatsApp voice messages I havent listened to and I know she can see I've been online since she sent them on Sunday

You get the idea. Then, when you manage to clear your "backlog", obviously each person is them responding again, so it's like never ending.

I am NOT ungrateful and I love my friends. Just wondering if anyone else feels the same? Can it be normal to feel this way?

YES! It's cool ok to have a break.

Hibernate. Tell people you need to retreat for a little while and reduce contact. Don't arrange meet ups. It's ok, people get it.

I've got long Covid which has brought this on for me but plenty of other friends have done similar over the years.

Sounds like you just have a lot on, so everything starts feeling like work. I don’t feel like this with friends but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it unless you feel overwhelmed by the communication/they are put out by your delay.

Also people just get less sociable as they age.

Dare I say less needy?

Choose quality over quantity with socialising / catching up with people.

I've left all social media (other than Mumsnet!) and don't really like texting people atm.

Phone calls; fewer of them than texts but so much more connecting and nourishing.

I have to be honest, you sound like you’re making more of it than it is. A voice note takes all of about two minutes to record. Responding to a text is a 5 min job and a phone call with someone can be planned in and can last 15 min - tell your friend that you can’t be on too long.

I’m not saying I’m great at time management but I have a friend who complains about being like you describe and in reality she just can’t organise herself.

I have always found the maintenance part of friendships really hard. I enjoy going out and being sociable with friends but not the phone calls etc in between. I have tended to lose friends after moving areas for this reason and really struggle with zoom catch ups that have become the norm. I have a few little friendship groups of 3 and I like these as I can be the dormant one who just pops up when invited to something. I feel like this about family too.

I virtually never catch up by phone and if I do it's treated as an activity eg I book a time in my diary. I don't like chatting on the phone so it's very few and far between.

Texts returned when I'm on the loo hiding from the kids.

Don't let the texts mount up, like anything else when there's a load to do it feels more of a chore.

I feel like this too - I feel like a weirdo in that I'd be happiest to see my friends for anything more than a brew approx once every six months, and I dread replying to texts/phone calls/Zoom catch ups. They're all wonderful people but I just really, really like my own space.

In reality though I know that's not the norm, so I make an effort and speak to my 4 closest friends very regularly (including one group chat with about 80 messages daily - I tend to pop in and out of that) because I don't want to be a bad friend. But I sometimes wish I didn't find socialising in any form exhausting!

If you are an extroverted introvert it will feel like this. I am. I have about three friends I care about. I've just stopped the charade with the others. Its great - much less dicking about trying to be the organiser.

God yes I feel the same.

I find other people exhausting (Even though I love them and really enjoy spending time with them!) it's just how I am and always have been.

Even as a child I used to turn down sleepovers and play dates left and right- much prefer my own company.

Thankfully I've got a group of friends who are super low maintenance.

I feel the same too! And I have very few friend, can't imagine what those people with a crazy social life do!

Are you me? I feel like this to a tee. I tend to keep a small number of close friends (2 or 3) and invest more quality into those friendships. However I still find ohobrcalks texting and arranging to me sucks every last bit of energy out of me. 😁 Find people who are like minded who don't need oodles of interaction. They do exist

Yes, I feel overwhelmed by WhatsApp...to the extent I didn’t go on for the past month 🤦‍♀️ I just couldn’t face it. The last thing I want to do after a long day is sit and type on my phone for an hour 😭

Phonecalls not obkrahks or whatever that was

Don't get me started on WhatsApp 'group chat' I can't cope with the constant incessant pinging. By the time I look at it there's 88 messages and I then just give up. Its all dry boring chit chat too. I prefer 'mate see you at 3 at the park yeh?' me: 'yep. See you then' that's my way of doing things!

Totally with you.

I hate phone conversations and Zoom can do one quite frankly.

Text / whatsapp I don't mind but I will respond in my own time. I hate feeling like I have to reply straight away and then certain people messaging to ask why I haven't replied all of two seconds later!

@Savourysenorita same, I prefer just making a plan to see someone and doing that. Obvs recent events make that way of managing friendships tricky for us introverts.

To be fair apart from work phone calls (I'm paid to make those) and closest family I find all phone calls exhausting, also emails, messages etc. I have been putting off calling HMRC for months even though they owe me money, ditto calling the bank to move money into savings, literally phone calls that will save / make me money I can't bear making. I put them off for weeks. I just want to talk to DH and DCs outside of work.

I am an introvert who comes across as an extrovert to others as I'm chatty in company with wide interests and can talk to anyone about anything but only if I'm doing it irregularly.

I HATE voice messages. You actually have to make time and quiet to listen to them rather than reading them while you do 9 other things like normal messages.

I feel the same to the point where I become stressed about it. Something I have found that really helps is that I tell everyone that I don't do text/whatsapp/etc chatting, as in, I don't have ongoing typed conversations. If I'm catching up with a friend it's either meeting in person or an arranged phone/video call, and the text message is only to arrange that. The constant hi, how are you, did you see this, what are you up to, etc is exhausting and means your mind is constantly distracted.

I feel just like you op. I also have a legacy of attracting needy friends. They're mostly great but I find being needed v draining at the moment - I manage a huge team at work and have a pre school age dc.

I'm not being a good friend at the moment but I think (hope) I am being a good partner, mother and boss and I can't do much more without sinking.

I totally get this OP. Friends are really important and I think its really important, within reason, to have some degree of commitment. But it is hard work even in "normal" times when you have kids and a job. Let alone now. And Zoom calls are doubly draining.

I also have a couple of friends who I wouldn't say are "needy" particularly but they like to spend hours chatting on the phone and frankly I just don't have time for it and would find it exhausting even if I did.

I am pretty extrovert and still like socialising and I used to find having lots of friends life-enriching but increasingly I crave time alone. I wonder if that's a COVID thing or to do with getting older.

ZolaGrey I agree. Loathe voice messages.

I think if you have a lot of friends it can get too much. I only ever have a couple of really close friends , so it never feels overwhelming. If I had a huge social circle plus very close & social family I'd find that hard. I've always needed a lot of quiet time, or I feel mentally frazzled. Some people I've met find that odd ,but I'm really an introvert, I just hide it well because I had snarky comments at work when I was younger re being "too quiet" ( people took it the wrong way).

I think I'm lucky in that I've either serendipitously ended up with very low maintenance friends, or they know that I am very low maintenance and match me. Either way I'm happy.

I know that I can not talk to anyone for a month then randomly pop my head into a WhatsApp group and send a meme or have a quick 3/4 message chat and we're good.

I've a childhood best friend who I see probably twice a year, even though she lives in the same town. We're both very busy with 4 kids between us, both doing uni stuff, her partner works all hours etc and we both know once the kids get older that we can go back to seeing each other more and that in the meantime we can maintain with occasionally sending bitchy screenshots of stuff we see on Facebook!

No, and I have a lot of friends. My friends aren't that needy though in that if I don't reply for a while they wont' care, except to perhaps check in, but there's no sense of obligation, if someone's busy for a few weeks, so be it, I do have one thread I chat on, but again, if it's a busy week, some of us don't dip in for a couple of weeks anyway- difference is we'll probably say that.

If it feels like work, it's not really a good friendship, I would hate any of my friends to feel like I was an obligation and I'd rather they just cut back a bit but were genuine when they did reply.

We don't do Zoom calls often though as most of us are on them all day at work, so it's not relaxation.