Christmas bubble and saying no

Horo · 2020-11-26T06:52:00+00:00

I don't know whether I should be angry or upset. Or even if it's me in the wrong here. MIL lives in an area under level 4 restrictions (in Scotland). Got asked yesterday if we'd consider travelling there during the 5 days at Christmas that restrictions will be lifted for dinner. While she never said specifically to join a bubble I think this as implied. We live a couple of hours drive away. We thanked her but said that we didn't feel comfortable meeting indoors. I am asthmatic and our DD is in nursery. We said that we could come and we could all go for a walk together outside on either 26th or 27th. Initially she was fine with it. She then sent a message saying that she understands but she's already made plans for those days. I'm a bit confused as she previously wasn't. So either she made plans or she's somehow resentful because we said we don't want to meet inside. The other days we could go we are working and we don't want to travel on Christmas Day. Dunno maybe I'm just feeling a bit rubbish about it.

TidyDancer · 26/11/2020 06:55

What is making you feel angry? Is it that she's now said she's got plans on the other days? If she lives alone I can imagine she's probably facing a lonely Christmas now you've said no.

I actually don't disagree with you saying no fwiw, but I'm not sure anything about what you've described would make me angry.

Possums4evr · 26/11/2020 07:01

This sounds a bit of a stilted conversation for someone to have with their mum - presumably your dh has an opinion on whether to see his mum or not over Christmas? If she's in level 4 and you're not I'm guessing she hasn't seen either of you or her grandchild for a while, and this "release" over Christmas maybe meant a lot to her. I would agree if someone has asked her to their house for a meal on Boxing Day that might seem preferable to a walk (which will be brief let's face it, it will be freezing!) instead. What were you planning to do for toilets etc? I think one of you needs to give her a ring and talk it through. Can you frame it out of concern for her (it doesn't seem that anyone in your family counts as CEV) rather than the fear that she will infect you with her level 4 germs?

Quartz2208 · 26/11/2020 07:03

You said no to forming a bubble which is perfectly fine and within your rights to to do
She accepted it but presumably wants to do Christmas with a bubble so has asked others and they have said yes which she is perfectly able to do so

Original poster

Horo · 26/11/2020 07:03

You're right I don't know why I am feeling angry. I think it probably stems from comments made in the past about us being "fit and healthy and shouldn't be worried". But you're right I shouldn't feel angry. She's 56 and doesn't live alone.

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PimlicoJo · 26/11/2020 07:13

I don't really know why you're feeling angry. You've said no, and if I were her I'd be the one feeling disappointed that you don't want to join her for dinner. Is it really Covid related or do you just not want to go?

Bookworming · 26/11/2020 07:18

Another one thinking why are you angry? Very odd!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/11/2020 07:25

She probably wants to spend a convivial day indoors with family or friends, rather than yet another walk (in deep winter, in Scotland).
If you have a daughter in nursery I would have thought you have already been exposed to every germ out there, so I can see that she might think you're just not that bothered about going. You can go for a walk anytime.

ImPrincessAurora · 26/11/2020 07:43

While she never said specifically to join a bubble I think this as implied
If you meet up with her indoors then she would have to fall into your exclusive 3 household bubble.

Notwithstanding, imo her deciding she is now ‘busy’ on those other days feels like a guilt trip to me. See me on Christmas Day or don’t see me at all.

That may be where the anger comes from.

I’d stick to your guns and take the risk you are willing to take, which is to travel there and take a walk outside together. Don’t be blackmailed into making that your Christmas Day plans.

WitchesSpelleas · 26/11/2020 07:47

She probably doesn't want to spend Christmas day alone.

If she's using up her bubble on Christmas day - and bear in mind, if she's found one household to bubble with, by default if that household has chosen another household, she'll have to bubble with both of them - she cannot then bubble with you on the days after Christmas.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 26/11/2020 08:01

@WitchesSpelleas

She probably doesn't want to spend Christmas day alone.

If she's using up her bubble on Christmas day - and bear in mind, if she's found one household to bubble with, by default if that household has chosen another household, she'll have to bubble with both of them - she cannot then bubble with you on the days after Christmas.

She's not alone

Op offered a walk outside, that's separate to the bubble.

Saying 'yes' to a walk, then saying 'no',she suddenly has plans, shortly after just seems designed as a guilt trip to me

Horo. You don't feel comfortable going inside & you offered to drive a couple of hours so she could see you all and go for a walk (I wouldn't have) if she wants to have a strop, let her get on with it.

She's 56, not 96. She could have rung you when she changed her mind, she's either ungrateful or manipulative.

dontdisturbmenow · 26/11/2020 08:08

She Nieves you've already make plans for Xmas day with your family or wanting to be alone because frankly that sounds more plausible than your reasons which don't hold since I feed your DD is in nursery and therefore already exposing you to risk.

She is telling you she's not available you she's not available on 26th and 27th to throw it back.

She's hurt and upset. Your DS needs to have a good conversation with her to explain the real reasons and try to find a compromise that doesn't upset her.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/11/2020 08:10

she's either ungrateful or manipulative

I disagree. I think it was a poor offer, and she was not unreasonable to accept a better one. No need for anyone to get huffy.

myhobbyisouting · 26/11/2020 08:18

God, I wouldn't want to go for a long walk in the cold in the Christmas week either. I've got cheese to eat, wine to drink and games to play.

She invited you to be in her bubble, you declined, she asked someone else. Nothing to get worked up about

namochangoro · 26/11/2020 08:23

Feel relieved because I don't think you wanted to go anyway! Just say, 'No worries, we'll meet up some other time.'

Freddiefox · 26/11/2020 08:23

I can’t understand the problem to be honest, and think this lies with you. Either you are over sensitive or feeling guilty.
You turned her down, she turned you down. If you didn’t want to be in her bubble that’s all good, and she’s found someone else, that’s fine as well.

Original poster

Horo · 26/11/2020 10:10

Thanks all. I understood though that meeting outside socially distanced with others outside your bubble is allowed. And that is what I was suggesting. I am asthmatic and hence the reason why I don't want to be inside.

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AlternativePerspective · 26/11/2020 10:14

Saying 'yes' to a walk, then saying 'no',she suddenly has plans, shortly after just seems designed as a guilt trip to me no, it seems that when the OP said no she made plans to bubble with two other household meaning that the time she could have met up with the OP outside is now taken up with the people who are going to be in her house over Christmas.

MorrisZapp · 26/11/2020 10:15

Leave it to your DH to sort out.

AlternativePerspective · 26/11/2020 10:17

So, MIL rings OP and asks if they would like to come up for Christmas. OP says they can’t because of whatever risk, but maybe they could come up and stay elsewhere and meet outside. MIL says yeah that might work.

Then after speaking to OP she calls someone else, or is possibly invited by someone else to join a bubble and says yes. This means that she is now with people on those days so a walk would no longer be an option. So she legitimately rings the OP and says that now she can’t do a walk after all as she now has plans.

What’s wrong with that? She can’t be expected to not have plans with others because she’d agreed to go for a walk....

Isadora2007 · 26/11/2020 10:21

Sending your child to nursery is exposing you to FAR more risk than a day indoors with relatives. So yabu.

Original poster

Horo · 26/11/2020 10:21

@AlternativePerspective

So, MIL rings OP and asks if they would like to come up for Christmas. OP says they can’t because of whatever risk, but maybe they could come up and stay elsewhere and meet outside. MIL says yeah that might work.

Then after speaking to OP she calls someone else, or is possibly invited by someone else to join a bubble and says yes. This means that she is now with people on those days so a walk would no longer be an option. So she legitimately rings the OP and says that now she can’t do a walk after all as she now has plans.

What’s wrong with that? She can’t be expected to not have plans with others because she’d agreed to go for a walk....

My point though (and maybe I have mistaken the rules) but I understood that you can still meet people outside that are not in your bubble. Though it will need to be socially distanced. So you can have a bubble but still meet people outside but you need to be 2m apart. Have I got that wrong?

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BrandyandDeath · 26/11/2020 10:21

I would be so relieved at not having to schlep a couple of hundred miles for a frosty Christmas walk, then back again.

Quartz2208 · 26/11/2020 10:27

No you can still meet outside but your MIL is probably thinking that having not seen her granddaughter for a long time seeing her in the cold outside and not being able to hug her etc isnt a good idea and is best off not doing. Making her DGD do a 4 hour drive round trip (or vice versa) for an unsatisfactory outdoor work doesnt actually suit anyone

In some circumstances trying to fudge a compromise comes up with something I think that is worse than the other alternatives which is either you bubble or you dont.

Its clear your asthma has made you anxious about going inside to a Tier 4 house and that is ok it is your choice. But you have made it and she has made hers.

This whole thing is rubbish OP I think here you just need to accept it is the situation and not the people. Your MIL is probably sad you said no - that is normal and fine for her, she is allowed to feel that. You are allowed to say no.

No one is at fault here and no one has done anything wrong it is just what it is for a pandemic.

AlternativePerspective · 26/11/2020 10:29

My point though (and maybe I have mistaken the rules) but I understood that you can still meet people outside that are not in your bubble. Though it will need to be socially distanced. So you can have a bubble but still meet people outside but you need to be 2m apart. Have I got that wrong? no but she now has plans for that time she could have met up with you. She was free because she wasn’t seeing anyone, now she is.

Original poster

Horo · 26/11/2020 10:40

Thanks all. Maybe I am being too sensitive. She's made other plans in the 10 minutes we spoke and that's it. Totally appreciate walking outside in December is not ideal. Thanks again

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