To be fed up with these men and annoyed with myself?

[Sunflowertall]

I'm a primary school teacher. My class had to isolate a few weeks ago so I was teaching online. Had parents evening after the first day of online teaching. Spoke to a Dad over the phone and he ended the call by telling me he had an apology to make. Said he wasn't sure if I had heard, he'd thought his son's screen was muted and he'd said to his 9yr old 'is that your teacher? She's hot.' It pissed me off so much that a. he thought it was appropriate to speak to his 9 year old son about me like that. I am his teacher, have to stand on front of him with authority every day feel massively undermined by his dad making the comment and b. what was his intention in telling me? I hadn't heard and so hadn't reacted at all as he was on mute. It made me feel totally uncomfortable over the phone and actually felt like he enjoyed the power play of putting me in that position. Like he wasn't saying it to apologise but actually he enjoyed being provocative.

I also have a male student teacher with me. We were talking about something totally inane to do with teaching. He said something about a my DH who types fast and he said something along the lines of 'he's good with his fingers.' It was totally appropriate to the context and didn't come across as wierd but he laughed and said 'oh god that came out wrong hahahaha'. I'm his professional mentor, I'm trying to teach him how to be a good teacher and just think that it was so inappropriate.

I'm cross with myself because in both instances I just laughed it off and brushed it aside and I wished I'd taken the time to reply properly and not shy away from confrontation to ease the situation. Both men behaved so inappropriately and I had to censor myself to keep the peace.

I'm going to to say it here and hope I get the chance to say it to their faces one day (if either of them ever speak to me like that again):
To the dad - It is highly inappropriate for you to speak to your son about me in that way. I expect your support in modelling appropriate relationships with and respect of school staff in future.
To the student: I'm not one of your kitchen colleagues, this is a primary school classroom with kids coming in and out. I am your professional mentor and you need to mind your tongue while we're working together.

YABU - I'm right to be feeling wound up.
YANBU - I need to chill out (and write shorter posts, although this was very cathartic!)

Yes you are right to be wound up

We shouldn’t need to go round pulling men up on their sexist and inappropriate comments they shouldn’t make them in the first place

I’m personally not someone who feels confident to confront people but when I have confronted men In similar situations there has never been an apology it’s always another put down or worse aggression (especially as I have got older)

It’s difficult for many of us to manage these situations don’t give yourself a hard time you are not in the wrong

Of the two of them, I think your student was by far the worst.
Extremely inappropriate and I would be seriously unimpressed with him, especially given the setting.
But any setting is off.

If you find it difficult to articulate your justified distaste, would you practice the death stare.

My issue is that I've historically been a people pleaser and because both things caught me off guard I just reverted to my default of letting it wash over me. I'm not actually much of a people pleaser any more bit I'm still a product of my socialisation. My instinctive reaction both times was to wave it away and not make it a big thing but within seconds I felt uncomfortable and starts to unlock why. By which point the it feels like the moment has past. I won't let that feeling stop me in future. I'll tell them. It helpful to talk about it as I've not had a chance to unpicl these properly.

I thought from your account the student did n’t mean it to sound sexual.

I'd be pissed off about the first one but less so about the second, and would probably have laughed at that one.

He evidently didn't read the room though, and must not have that kind of relationship with you so should've known better.

I think the father was the worst the student did what a lot of us do which is suddenly realise that the statement could be taken wrong and reacting, I did it this, this morning when I wrote about someone's bad back,
he woke up the morning feeling very stiff, when I realised I chuckle to myself about how wrong that would be, as I was on my own I changed the sentence but sure as hell I would have said something, if someone had been with me.
On the father that is weird as that is preempted and in future be prepared because if he did mean to make you feel uncomfortable you can bet he will do it again

With the dad I would have said 'yes that was entirely inappropriate, but I accept your apology' with the student I would have given a hard stare, paused until it was slightly uncomfortable and then just carried on - that sounds to me like he just wasn't thinking and what he would say with his mates popped out in a work setting, the dad just sounds a bit creepy and needs to be called out

I’m the same op

Though I have mastered a great eye roll 🙄 and really? Look that usually works and halts further comments

Sounded like the dad was a total creep and brought it up for a reaction out of you. It also sounds a bit like him testing the water with you to see if you'd be flattered or offended. The student teacher comment felt a bit more like an accidental comment where he dug himself deeper rather than a deliberate play do make you feel uncomfortable. He may be immature and have read you wrong so I'd be inclined to let it slide and pull him up if he does something like that again.

I’m guessing the student didn’t mean it at all, thought you might think it, so awkwardly tried to laugh it off.
The dad on the other hand.. that’s utterly grim. Of course he hadn’t said that to his child. He’s just being a test to you.
I’m sorry OP.
I’m with you in thinking you need to get firm with this stuff... verbally

The first one I agree. He shouldn't have said it in the first place. It was weird to try to apologise but you can't know his intentions so you could be reading something into it that wasn't meant. He could have said something without thinking and thought you heard abs dealt with it clumsily.

The second one you need to chill out about. That is exactly something I would say. He said something that sounded like an innuendo accidentally and then realised what he had said and made a joke about it to lighten the atmosphere. People are allowed to have a laugh and a joke at work. It doesn't need to always be serious thank the lord. Sounds horribly boring and oppressive.