Hi all, sorry this is probably the wrong place but want to reach out with people. Earlier in the year not long before covid took over I lost a close family member - my grandpa. His death was sudden (he wasn’t particularly elderly or ill as such). I never had my dad around, my mum was quite young when she had me and still went out a lot with friends etc and a lot of the time it was just me and him as my grandma was always working at the weekend. We were very close. It was the first time in my 30 years of life I’d ever lost anyone close. The feeling was all new and surreal. I was very sad of course but I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would. I managed to hold it altogether most of the time. Kids being off school kept me busy.
Partly because I have two young dc who didn’t really understand. I basically carried on relatively normal. Running around after the kids, shopping, taking the kids out etc (before lockdown hit). I’m guilty of keeping myself busy in stressful, sad and testing times as I hate sitting around and getting lost in my own thoughts. So I drive myself crazy keeping busy basically exhausting myself.
I don’t feel like I have grieved properly. I still think I’m going to see him again. I don’t think lockdown is helped. I haven’t been to their house much so when I go there I still expect to see both of them there 😠I don’t think it’s really set in.
But overall we had a really busy summer. But here I am in November, covid is still very much an issue, kids are back at school, husband is always working and I’m off work so I’m spending a lot of time on my own.
But this week I’ve felt the worse since he died. I’m crying, I keep thinking that I won’t see him again, how I wasn’t a good enough granddaughter in his last months and didn’t visit enough (I live 15 miles away and I did visit once a week usually but keep feeling like if I knew this would happen I’d have popped in every day). Remembering that he won’t be here at Christmas.
Like I said above don’t have my bio dad around, got a strained relationship with my mother and haven’t seen my grandma much due to covid.
I’m a mess. I’ve been dreaming of him every night but in his younger years or like he’s still there!
Crying because my children won’t have the grandpa figure I had in my life growing up. There is no one else. Both me and my husband don’t know our dads, our mums have husbands/partner but my children aren’t particularly close to them.
Sorry I’m waffling on now and I’m not sure what the point of this post is but is this normal? I’ve felt fine for weeks and months and this week has been terrible.
I can’t bear to look at photos of him.
Is this normal?