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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Emotional affairs

25 replies

yesbutiwasverydrunk · 24/11/2020 22:36

My husband has had 4 emotional affairs during our relationship. To him, although he tried to take things further, they were never sexual affairs therefore doesn't count and I should get over it!

I don't agree! Yet when I went to my parents for support they encouraged me to work through it as non of the affairs were physical.

Am I crazy? AIBU to think I'm worth more? I no longer know if I'm being dramatic anymore.

OP posts:
Chloe797 · 24/11/2020 22:41

I think emotions are worse than physical because there was obviously feelings there and he could go to that said person rather than you. I think you are 1000% worth more and married or not i would call it a day. Your feelings are more important now, and you need someone who can give their all to you.

Imworthit · 24/11/2020 22:46

It's harder for guys to cheat.... But he has been trying hard. There are 4 you know of. Keep that in mind.

It actually doesn't matter if he 'cheats' or not it's how respected you feel.

How do you know he tried to take things further??

Magicpaintbrush · 24/11/2020 22:48

Four??? FOUR emotional affairs?? That is appalling. You have a man there who will never stop doing this - there is no remorse and no respect for you. If you stay with him you will spend the rest of your life with history repeating itself. I don't believe the 'once a cheater always a cheater' stuff because people can and do learn, grow and change following actions they regret - but in the case of your DH he has proved he cannot be trusted over and over again, and has minimised his betrayals rather than show remorse or any intention to mend his ways. You could be far happier away from this treacherous creep.

GeoffNorcottfan · 24/11/2020 22:50

He TRIED to take things further? That's all you need to know. Don't put up with this. You are worth more. X

GailsPlait · 24/11/2020 22:55

So if you had an emotional affair with a man he wouldn't see that as cheating? I'd test that theory.

Nymeriastark1 · 24/11/2020 22:57

Four affairs??! Why are you still with him Confused

Dilemmmmma · 24/11/2020 22:57

4?!? I can understand you forgiving one, but 4!

Get some self respect and get out!

walkerboot · 24/11/2020 22:58

What?! Aside from the fact he's done this FOUR times (at least), he also tried to take it further?! Your parents are bonkers for suggesting non-physical affairs aren't bad. LTB.

HollowTalk · 24/11/2020 22:58

Why on earth are you discussing it with your parents? By now you know what they'll say.

Unless you want a life of utter misery, get rid of this man. Your self-esteem must be at rock bottom and looking at your parents' reaction, I can see why.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2020 22:59

What the actual fuck are you doing? How many affairs is enough? Your husband is playing you for an absolute fool. Is your self-worth really this nonexistent?

Also, fuck your parents. They are as horrible as your husband.

firesong · 24/11/2020 23:00

Has he offered any explanation as to WHY he keeps doing this?! No, you don't have to accept it. Obviously.

I think I would feel so sick all the time, I would feel worried so much... He shouldn't be doing this to you.

Original poster
yesbutiwasverydrunk · 24/11/2020 23:02

Yup, cries and begs forgiveness each time. One of them he loved, but she wasn't interested.
I gave up caring, if he stayed or left, but a family member who was found having an emotional affair is currently in the process of a divorce and it has hit me like a tone of bricks.

As pathetic as most will think I am, I like my lifestyle and no longer have an emotional attachment to him so i put it to the back of mind an carried on! But watching someone else not accept it, who loved their spouse but still walked away has made me think. Fuck, I might just be worth more

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2020 23:02

Has he offered any explanation as to WHY he keeps doing this?!

Any "explanation" is bullshit and irrelevant.

Summerhillsquare · 24/11/2020 23:04

You can leave your marriage for any reason. You can stay in it for any reason too.

mildlymiffed · 24/11/2020 23:04

FOUR?! As someone else said upthread- EA's are as damaging (if not more so) then purely physical affairs.

Your partner has a poor moral compass. And do you want to be with someone who evidently disrespects you to this extent? And makes you feel second fiddle? And puts the needs of those outside of your relationship first time and time again?

Ugh. What a tosspot. I'd leave him.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2020 23:04

Fuck, I might just be worth more

You think? Of course you fucking are. You are living an absolute lie, and you will be left with nothing but regret if you stay with this shit of a man. Your family member knows this and that's why they are getting a divorce.

Savourysenorita · 24/11/2020 23:05

Older generations don't believe in or acknowledge emotional affairs. They'll see it as our new age snow flakey fancy dancy made up crap. My parents would react very similarly. Learn from this that your parents are not your people to go to for advice on issues in your personal life. I learnt this sadly too. Doesn't mean you can't have a loving and great relationship but learn to have boundaries on what you tell them for a bit of self protection. You'll end up with rock bottom self worth otherwise. What on earth is your dh "missing" so badly that he keeps sniffing out other "companionships"? Has he ever given "reasons"? Either way he clearly hasn't got the hint that it's totally disrespectful and cheating behaviour after 4 times? I really don't think you deserve this....

CounsellorTroi · 24/11/2020 23:06

My husband has had 4 emotional affairs during our relationship. To him, although he tried to take things further, they were never sexual affairs therefore doesn't count and I should get over it!

But the intention was there! That's almost as bad as if they were sexual affairs!

Badwill · 24/11/2020 23:14

Ah OP come ON! Get rid of this waste of space.

Original poster
yesbutiwasverydrunk · 24/11/2020 23:20

His reasonings:
1: he wanted affection and didn't get it from me. This is true. After the first one I found out about I switched off, he didn't try to make sure I felt secure or loved. I put the kids first and frankly cringe when he hugged or kissed me.

2: his parents didn't show him much love, they are not affectionate ppl, very keeping up with the Jones's. He believes this is why he is constantly looking for it....I can't say I care and chuckle every time I'm given this excuse.

3: He resented me for a friendship I had with a man I worked with. Now this I could understand, if, I wasn't clear I wouldn't be friends with him if it upset my h. That we only socialised with our spouses who were also friends. That he was not my only male friend and there was no difference in this friendship than any others. He says that he chased a women and had emotional affair with her because of this. He says he felt threatened and I guess tit for tat....? I took his paranoia seriously I ensured he knew I put him first but instead of accepting this or moving on he chose to cheat on me. Again if only didn't go further because he was caught out first.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 24/11/2020 23:23

OP, this is a bit more complex than just his affairs - which I think you acknowledge.

Get some couple counselling - it’s cheaper than divorce.

Original poster
yesbutiwasverydrunk · 24/11/2020 23:49

Yes, nothing is straightforward.

He choose to have an affair to get back at me for an imagined transgression. He was friends with this couple, i was never alone with this male friend, even when at work. I was transparent. He had access to all social media passwords, bank account I had nothing to hide and did all I could to prove this. He lied about the extent of this affair for 12 years! He not only choose to have that affair but continued the same pattern and did all he could to make me feel worthless

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/11/2020 00:07

All of the years of your life you have wasted in this sham of a marriage is absolutely tragic.

IdblowJonSnow · 25/09/2021 09:38

Get rid op. Stop listening to your parents. You're a grown woman.

You're completely switched off from this man - I dont blame you - there is no reason to stay.

You don't need anyone's approval or agreement to walk away.

Life is short. Remember that. Also this marriage is not a good example for your kids to see.

caketiger · 25/09/2021 10:14

I genuinely think that sometimes parents just want the boat not to be rocked. Better a bird in the band etc. You are worth far more. If rather my OH slept with someone than had an emotional affair.

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